Debabblings

Joy

2012-01-29T20:51:00.000-08:00

Hard to believe she's close to a year old already! In some ways, the year has flown by. And in some ways, it feels so much longer. Still, I'm not ready for how grown up she already is, let alone all the growing up that is just around the corner.

She is walking now. She has been since Christmas Eve. Her first step was just a few days before that, but that was when she started going for it. She has been pulling herself up to stand and cruising along furniture for months, so I knew it was just a matter of time. Once she realized she could actually take a step without seriously hurting herself, she was otherwise ready.

She finally got her first tooth. Well, it's still coming in. It first appeared earlier this month. And now her second tooth is also emerging.

She still doesn't really like to eat too much food, so most of her nutrition comes from formula. She's not too keen on switching from bottles to sippy cups, so that's a struggle, and when she does eat food, it's mostly just a few bites.

She's got such a fun little personality, and she is so small compared to many other babies I've seen that are her same age. It's been fun to meet other local moms with kids the same age and see the similarities and differences between them as well as make new friends.

I know this is short, but I'm tired and should get myself to bed. But if you have any tips to get her to be more into sippy cups, I'd love to hear them!

Boogers and Poop

2011-11-07T11:59:00.000-08:00

Watching Joy poop makes me laugh. Especially when she's on all fours like right now and just kind stops what she's doing (crawling) and grunts. Also when Joe is home and gets to change the poopy diaper instead of me.

Also, cleaning Joy's nose makes me gag. Her dry snot and boogers aren't as gross to me as the slimy ones, but I still get grossed out either way. And yet, I also kind of silently cheer when I pick her nose and pull out a big booger. It's probably the weirdest combination of emotions I've ever felt.

Oh, how my life has changed in less than 9 months!

Unremarkable

2011-09-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

Maybe not all of us have felt this way at some point in time in our life, but I think many of us have. For several days I have found myself feeling this way. I'm not looking for pity. I hate attention I get from people when they feel sorry for me. And I know that I've done things to be proud of. I know I'm a good person inside. I know I have good intentions. I know I have done things that have touched others. But so what? There are so many people out there who have done the same things I have done. There are so many people out there who have done better things than I have. Does it mean I'm going to stop trying to be more, be better, try harder? Absolutely not. One day, I'd like to mean something more. I'd like not to be overlooked. I'd like not to be so easily forgotten. I'd like not to be so easily judged (erroneously, too). I'd like to feel appreciated and liked and accepted for who I am and not expected to be someone or something else. So I work and will continue to do so, even though I'm not sure if this is realistic.

Normalcy

2011-08-15T12:56:00.000-07:00

I stopped pumping and breastfeeding. I'm 100% okay with my decision. In fact, I'm quite happy with it right now. My stress levels are much more manageable, and I feel like I can be a better mom for Joy. My hormones already are starting to feel like they're getting back to normal, and my appetite is back to normal. It's so great not feeling like I haven't eaten for at least a day when I wake up in the morning! It's great eating a meal and not being hungry almost immediately after. I feel like I have a lot more time to exercise and clean and play with Joy and sleep. It's fantastic!

So much for perky boobs

2011-08-08T08:45:00.000-07:00

If my boobs were high school cheerleaders, they would be kicked off the team. They don't have any team spirit and instead are depressing me!

First, I have supply issues. They refuse to make enough milk to feed my baby. They always have. 'Fine, boobs. You win this round!' I conceded after many tears and ridiculous amounts of desperate measures and unsolicited and unhelpful advice. So life went on. But now it appears as though they've decided to fight me some more, drizzling out barely any milk. The past few days have been brutal. Do I really want to keep up with all this torturous extra work and frustration just to get a handful of ounces of milk for my growing girl? I'm *thisclose* to just throwing in the nursing pads, so to speak.

Which brings another thought to my mind. Why is it that my boobs, even though they've CLEARLY never held much milk, still leak? I can't pump from both sides at once, because pumping requires one hand to hold the pump forcefully to my boob (leaving lovely circle indents after the fact) while the other squeezes away, like trying to get water from a rock. And while I am emptying Tightey, Lucy leaks. So I recently tried starting with Lucy, which doesn't tend to make Tightey leak as much, but also seems to have led to Tightey producing less milk. Ugh! As it is, the constant squeezing has led to my discovering I apparently have arthritis in my hands. Thanks boobs! You are real... boobs! If my boobs were a person, I'd probably murder that person by strangulation with my own bare, arthritic hands.

In other news, Joy is becoming more mobile every day. We relocated our coffee table from the family room to the guest room. I want to get rid of it, actually, but it'll stay there for now, I guess. So now our family room is not only more open, but there's space for her to entertain herself on the floor and, as she just demonstrated her capability, move from the middle of a quilt on the floor all the way to the side of the couch, backwards. Honestly, I'm not quite sure how she arrived at her final destination, as I was pumping & checking email, so my laptop screen was in the way. But then all of a sudden, I felt her ribs touching the side of my foot and looked down to revel in her accomplishments. And cry. I am so not ready for this. Couldn't she continue to sleep for like 18 hours a day or something?

She recently started saying "mamamama" and "babababa" and sometimes even "mama" itself. Joe thinks it makes a good excuse to get out of holding her or something and pass her off to me because "she's calling for YOU." I told him she doesn't know what she's saying, but I do wonder if sometimes she actually does, the way she says it while whimpering or crying and looking at me. She's often staring at me. It's kind of creepy. This "mama" wishes she'd learn to say "dada" soon like a good girl. I'm working on trying to teach that to her, I assure you.

Joy doesn't laugh much. Most of the time she does, it's when she's getting her diaper changed. Yeah, I'm not really sure what to think of that one either. Maybe I'm partly to blame. I started singing to her when changing her diaper when she was a newborn because I didn't want her to scream or hate it when she had it changed. I can say that at least she doesn't hate it, but the removal of a pee-soaked or foul-smelling diaper isn't as funny as I am. Her farts are, but she only rarely chuckles at those. We need to work on that kid's sense of humor (or lack thereof).

How about instead of "mama" you stroke my ego a bit by laughing when I want you to? After all, I and my boobs sacrifice a LOT for you!

Sleepy photos

2011-06-26T21:50:00.000-07:00

I remember when Joy was first born, and most of the pictures I took of her were when she was sleeping or fighting it and losing, since she seemed to spend her entire day eating or sleeping. I like to look at the photos and smile or laugh.

This is still one of my favorite pictures I have of her, sleeping on Daddy when she was 2 days old:

Sometimes, Joy simply surrenders to sleep:

Here she is as a baby burrito, swaddled and bibbed:

Nothing prepares her for a nap better than milk:

She enjoys passing out with Daddy (and the cats):

She falls alseep and slides herself into all sorts of weird positions:

She manages to get her bib twisted and looking like a cape:

And she does interesting things with her hands (some I wish I would've captured on camera) while sleeping:

She sleeps like a frog at times too:

And she even hides from the paparazzi in her sleep:

She cracks me up, sleeping or awake! I just wish she'd stay asleep after I move her off of me when she falls asleep that way and that she'd take longer naps during the day. And why is it that she can sleep through various noises yet the teeniest whimper from her wakes me from a dead sleep in the middle of the night when I'm running on fumes of sugar? At least she entertains me to help me get through the day since I'm always sleepy but unable to pass out whenever and wherever I'd like the way she does.

Some of the joys of being a mom

2011-06-18T15:54:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's just me, but I find that there are about a billion bits of information floating around in my head at all times. It's hard to keep things straight. It's hard to remember what's-her-face's-name or even finish a sentence because my normal vocabulary now consists primarily of a bunch of words I had no use for before and my audience doesn't have a clue what I'm saying and doesn't care as long as she gets my undivided attention.

I swear I almost went to church last week without actually putting on a skirt. Not that Joe would've purposely let me get out the front door with only nude-colored Spanks and a white half slip with slits in it hugging my ample butt and thighs, looking like a person would look hugging a big tub of Jell-o (is it weird that now I'm craving Jell-o, among every other unhealthy and delicious food item I've ever consumed in my lifetime thanks to writing that?). Still, I felt very proud of myself for noticing the almost-error before I was potentially seen by some unsuspecting poor soul driving or walking past our house at the exact WRONG moment.

And I feel bad for our neighbors. I really do. After all, nothing is sexier than seeing an overweight woman with a flabby baby gut who hasn't showered for at least a day (most likely) saunter past the window with a boob or two hanging out while she scrambles to soothe a crying child before she loses her sanity. Note to self: make sure blinds are closed and invest in blinds or at least curtains where there aren't any. And why might I be in this state of half-dress without being with the baby? Pumping breast milk.

Pumping is not fun. Not only do I feel like an actual cow while hooked up to the machine, but I'm just stuck there next to it until the torture is over. Some women rave about the hands-free bras. Seriously, those would make me feel MORE like a cow, and I don't think they'd get the job done for me. It's not like I have fountains of milk pouring out of me and only need to direct that milk into a container. And then there's the fact that I have to squeeze my one boob that is attached to the pump (I can't do both at the same time for this very reason) so I can get every drop possible of milk out or I feel like a cow failure. So I sit and pump while watching the TV or praying my child doesn't start screaming bloody murder or one-handed typing between unattractive squeezes of boob flesh and feeling like a complete moron.

And that's another thing. The whole TMI concept apparently doesn't exist for me anymore. I guess after being spit up on and race pooping to get back to a fussy baby and flashing neighbors and walking around half dressed because I can't justify the time it would take to find a shirt and pants that are actually clean and put them on while the baby's screams indicate she needs me NOW, I just don't care anymore. I gag when I have to yank the snot out of my daughter's nose or stick my finger in her ear to get a healthy amount of ear wax out or change a diaper full of oddly covered mounds of baby poop. But I still do it. So I figure if I have to suffer through those things, someone can read about how I have to do them and think, "Eww, TMI! TMI, lady!" Not that anyone mistakes me for a lady these days, but still.

I also have to plan outings around when I will need to pump or feed the baby or change her diaper or when she might nap or go to bed for the night. And if I don't and I'm not prepared to deal with the consequences, HELLO leaky boobs and the ever-stylish accompanying wet nipple look or screaming, demanding, headache-inducing child or yellowish-brown crap-covered baby clothes in the most inconvenient time and place EVER or panic attack about how the heck I'm going to deal with my oversight.

So my lack of posts these days aren't because I have nothing to write about. I know that no one really wants to READ about what I have to write about (but I did take a picture of a poopy diaper that literally looked like someone had squeezed a jar of mustard into it and sent it to Joe because I just HAD to share that with SOMEONE, even if he couldn't scratch & sniff the picture). And one-handed typing takes AGES and drives me crazy. So instead I post an occasional picture of my baby. I realize not everyone recognizes her as The Cutest Thing Alive and The Center of The Universe, but that's how my life has changed. And that's my biggest Joy.

How could I not love this adorable little face?

2011-06-15T14:10:00.000-07:00

Entertainment

2011-06-09T14:46:00.000-07:00

I find all sorts of ways to entertain myself while at home with the baby. Many of these ways would not be approved by the older version of Joy. Good thing she doesn't have a say!

But seriously, these were the smallest glasses we could find (there was one other pair with much smaller lenses, but they weren't as cute)... and she needs some sunglasses, so this is what we bought! Just call her our little Elvis or Elton John impersonator or our little Diva. Okay, please don't call her the last one. Just thinking of that made me throw up a little in my mouth.

Before I was a mother...

2011-05-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize what a luxury taking a hot shower and shaving my legs could be!

I didn't value getting outside for a minute as much, even if it is only to get the mail.

I didn't long for trips alone to the grocery store as a sort of mini-vacation.

I didn't think I would relish my alone time while pumping in the wee hours of the morning.

I didn't realize I could carry on conversations with someone who couldn't talk back and enjoy myself so much.

I didn't think I would be so grateful to get sleep at stretches of 6 hours at a time.

I didn't know how funny baby farts are.

I didn't understand how I could love someone else so unconditionally.
I didn't truly understand or appreciate my own mother.

Joy's Easter dress

2011-04-25T17:15:00.000-07:00

It was a present from her Aunt Lori when she was in town and decided Joy needed a cute newborn dress. Unfortunately, the dress was way too large for Joy at the time (about 1 1/2 months ago), but it saved us from having to find an Easter dress.

Sleepy time

2011-04-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

Green light for sex

2011-04-04T20:22:00.000-07:00

Today I saw my OB to see how my womanly parts are managing after the tears (rhymes with bears)and tears (rhymes with beers) of pregnancy and delivery. He said everything looks like it has healed well. I didn't get any suggestions for how to deal with the back spasms I am getting on occasion (I thought they were gone, but I had a small-ish one yesterday and another today). But we did have some other fun conversations, like discussing the state of my breasts and birth control options and how the next couple times my husband and I do the horizontal tango we should go nice and slow like Usher knows a woman wants to be pleasured and there may be some discomfort involved for me.

He also let me know that while I now officially have the go-ahead to have sex (several women I've talked to don't wait to get their doctor's approval or for anywhere close to the recommended period of time), it's okay if I don't feel quite ready to do it. You mean that having boobs that leak everywhere and get hard and sore, and a newborn who poops in her diaper minutes after I change it or wants to be fed shortly after I just finished feeding her, and being so sleep deprived that I fantasize about sleeping in or taking naps and then talk myself out of those fantasies at times because of the aforementioned leaky boobs might make getting naked and having relations something not only off my radar but the exact opposite of appealing? And that's normal? Gee, I never would have guessed.

Joy's one month check-up appointment

2011-03-25T13:55:00.000-07:00

Today Joy went in to see the pediatrician for her one month check-up. Her previous appointment was when she was 2 weeks old, and she weighed 6 pounds 14 ounces. She'd been gaining one ounce a day. I'd supplemented her for a few days after her very first pediatrician's appointment, and then I stopped. I thought she was getting enough breast milk because the pediatrician was satisfied with her weight gain. So I didn't do anything different.

And then I got something in the mail from Similac earlier this week. It talked about how frequently and how much milk babies should eat at each feeding. That's when I got concerned. I thought it was weird that some of her newborn clothes are still too big, but other people were saying she was getting bigger, so I figured maybe I just didn't notice it as much because I was spending all day every day with her.

When I was asked today if I had any questions or concerns by the nurse at today's appointment, I brought up my concern about whether or not she was getting enough food, especially when I heard her weight... she is only at 7 pounds 4 ounces, meaning she only gained 6 ounces since her last appointment 2 weeks ago! The nurse didn't say anything. But when the doctor came in, I talked to him about my concern, and he said she is definitely not eating enough. He told me she's not "malnourished," but she is "undernourished." And he said I need to supplement. But it's not something he wants me to do just for a period of time but rather for good.

I have been doing several things to try to increase my milk supply since learning she lost 11% of her birth weight between her birth and when she met the pediatrician 2 days later. I will keep doing them. But they just aren't really working enough. And now I feel like a terrible mother and a failure since I can't provide enough milk to give my baby all the nourishment she needs and I didn't recognize there was a problem and contact the pediatrician earlier to correct it earlier.

My poor baby! I feel so guilty and terrible!

Joy's birth story

2011-03-23T18:42:00.000-07:00

I finally took some time to get Joy's birth story written down, which I figured I should before I forget any more details. I wanted to do it earlier, but I just never had the opportunity. I know that what I’ve written all happened, but I may have the timing of a few details mixed up. I really didn’t have much of a concept of time as things were going on. Since giving birth, I have learned the truth to the statement that new moms can’t always find time to fit in a shower, and if a new mom gets one or two things accomplished during the early days of a baby’s life, that’s a lot.

I woke up sometime around 11:30 pm on the 21st to my first real contraction. There was no doubt in my mind that was what was going on. I had a lot of back pain with it too and was pretty sure that I was having back labor, despite not ever learning much about it or anything about how to deal with it. I had heard that first time moms were normally in labor close to twenty-four hours, so I figured if I was actually in labor and not just having contractions, it would last quite a while. Because of that, I didn’t bother timing my contractions, but the next one came about three to five minutes later, which surprised me. I also had to go to the bathroom and didn’t want to wake up Joe, so I used our upstairs bathroom outside the master bedroom.

I had another contraction while I was on the toilet, but noticed that in that position I got a little relief from the back pain. I went back to bed and noticed it was around 11:45 at that time. I had another contraction or two and then decided I was going to go back to the bathroom where I could be a little more comfortable anyway. It dawned on me while I sat there contracting that I was definitely in labor. And with the amount of pain I was already feeling, I wanted medication stronger than anything I had at home. So I was more than ready to get to the hospital to get pain relief and because things were progressing faster than I had been told they would.

I walked back to the bedroom, opened the door, turned on the light, and woke Joe up, telling him it was time to go to the hospital. It took him a little while to wake up and grasp what I was saying, as neither of us was expecting anything like this to happen that night. My contractions continued at regular intervals, and the back pain continued along with them. So I had to have Joe help me get
dressed and finish packing the hospital bag. We left the house around 12:30 and got to the hospital around 1:00.

Joe drove the car up to the emergency room entrance and went inside the ER to get a wheelchair. A security guard came out with a wheelchair, helped me get from the car into the chair, and wheeled me in to the check-in desk while Joe parked the car. Joe met me inside, and we were taken to a room where I had to sign papers. Then we were sent to the hallway to wait for someone to come and get us from labor and delivery. We waited and waited and waited. The woman that helped us with the paperwork came out and apologized that it was taking so long (she said it’d been 30 minutes, but with all the contractions and pain, I didn’t really have any concept of time). She said she would call up there to see what was taking so long and if somebody didn’t come in a few minutes, she would have someone take us up to labor and delivery. More time and contractions passed, and so she grabbed somebody to take us up. When we were almost to the elevators we intercepted two women from labor and delivery who had brought a wheelchair for me, not realizing I was already in one. They tried to ask me questions on the way up to labor and delivery, and I had to wait until I was between contractions before I was able to answer them. All I could think of was how much I wanted pain medication.

I was taken to triage and measured and was told I was at four centimeters. While I was in the bed, I heard an anesthesiologist outside the room saying he’d heard there was an epidural. And I heard the nurse tell him that they were doing blood work first. I was given fluids via an IV and had blood drawn for testing. I told the nurse about my DVT, bilateral pulmonary embolisms, and my blood thinner medication. This information was passed to the anesthesiologist, who then came into the room to tell me I would NOT be getting an epidural or spinal. He said he was concerned about the Heparin I was on increasing the risk of me bleeding into my spine. And then he said that most people who bleed into their spines end up paralyzed. At this point in time, I said I just wanted SOMETHING and asked if that was possible. I was told that I could get something. Finally, I was given an injection into my hip that took the edge off, but it only lasted for about 1 ½ hours.

After triage, I was moved into the room where I would deliver. Joe was given two small mats so he could lie down and get some rest. Unfortunately for him, he really didn’t get the chance. I needed him to help me get through the contractions. He made sure I had water when I asked for it and gave me my iPod to listen to. He also put pressure on my lower back, which seemed to help alleviate the pain slightly. The nurse strapped a heating pad to my back once the injection wore off, so the combination of the heat and the pressure helped a teeny bit. I’d asked for more of the narcotic injection as soon as it wore off, but the nurse said it was too early to get more, so this was her solution for pain relief. She’d also suggested a bath, but I could barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom and give a urine sample as they’d requested, so taking a bath didn’t sound feasible at all.

After some time, I realized I had the urge to push, but I fought it, since it was only Joe and I in the room. Not only that, but I was in enough pain as it was, and I didn’t want to push until I was able to get more pain medication (which I was certain would happen any minute, especially if I kept bugging the nurse about it). Eventually I made Joe go get the nurse (even though he’d placed the call button right next to my head; I apparently refused to use it). I told her about my urges and she told me not to fight them and to go ahead and push. She had checked me a while before and I was at a 7. As the urges to push hit me, I went ahead and did it, despite the pain. Soon I was checked again and was told I was at a 9. I was also told my bag of waters was in the way, preventing me from being fully dilated, but I was told that when I pushed and it broke, that would fully dilate me. The on-call doctor was called into the room.

I pushed and my water broke. I heard them say there was meconium in the amniotic fluid, and I started to worry about what that would mean for Joy’s health. I was told not to push anymore and listened as people from the NICU were called into the room so they could suction off the baby before she breathed in anything she shouldn’t. Once they were in the room I was given the go-ahead. I pushed and the baby must’ve crowned. Joe said that the OB had to hurry and put her gloves on, like she thought that the baby wasn’t going to be coming that quickly.

I’m a verbal person and was in pain. While I pushed, I made some noises, and one of the nurses told me more than once not to make any noises. I wanted to punch her in the face! A nurse (not sure if it was the same one or a different nurse) also told me to hold my breath after I had already been pushing and holding my breath for several seconds while I was pushing, making me want to punch her. How long did they think I could or should be able to hold my breath anyway? Anyway, during one of the pushes, I felt some terrible pain. I saw the OB and thought she had given me an episiotomy and wanted to (and almost did) yell at her, “What did you just do?” But then the more rational part of me figured that I must have just torn. I continued pushing through the pain. As the baby’s head started to emerge, they asked me if I wanted to touch it. I was using my hands to push down on the bed and didn’t want to move them. I was shocked by the question and let out a surprised, “No!” But I pushed a few more times, and the baby’s head was eventually fully out.

Then everyone told me to stop pushing as a handful of people swarmed on the baby to suction her face off. I remember thinking that I had absolutely no control over my body at that time, and if it was determined to keep pushing, it probably would. But I apparently managed not to push until it was okay to do so, and getting the rest of her out was much easier. They didn’t ask Joe if he’d wanted to cut the umbilical cord, which he had said he'd like to do when I asked him about it in our birth planning. Instead, they just did it, right away. I’d wanted to delay the clamping and cutting of the cord, but with all the pain I’d been in, thinking about going over my birth plan with this group of
strangers never even entered my mind.

Basically NOTHING happened as I’d thought it would. Things progressed much more quickly. It was very stressful on my body to go through so much in such a short period of time. The tips I’d learned in my childbirth education class weren’t really helpful, and the things that everyone told me I’d experience didn’t happen. Regardless, Joy Alexis was born at 5:52 am weighing 6 pounds 15 ounces and measuring 19 ¾ inches long after approximately 6 hours of labor.

Joy was whisked away to be cleaned off, weighed, etc. Joe had the camera to take pictures. Meanwhile, I was stuck on the bed, in pain, while the OB stitched up my tears. I asked her what degree my tearing was, and she said it was second degree. I don’t know how many stitches she put in, but I do know that it seemed to take quite some time. I was told that in addition to my second degree tear, my labia tore. And I think that is where a lot of the pain came from. I also had to have a local anesthetic injection before the OB was able to stitch up that tear, and the pain from the injection was comparable to the pain of giving birth, even though it didn’t take all that long to inject the anesthetic.

Before too long, we were moved into our recovery room on a different floor. Joy stayed with us the whole time we were in there. Joe was able to eventually get some sleep on a cot in the room. I was also able to eventually get some sleep. The whole pregnancy and birth process was a big physical and emotional challenge for me, but I was so happy to welcome my beautiful, healthy baby girl!

Pictures of Joy

2011-03-10T16:40:00.000-08:00

Here are some more pictures of Joy.

Joy Alexis arrived!

2011-02-24T21:31:00.000-08:00

I'll post full details soon (I have been trying to catch up with some other things first and feel like I should be caught up soon), but I wanted to share the news... Joy was born on the 22nd just before 6 am and after a labor that lasted just over 6 hours total. I'm in incredible pain but just so happy that she is finally here and healthy! We are totally in love with her!

My 40 week pregnant baby bump

2011-02-21T12:10:00.000-08:00

I realized last night that I was wearing the same thing I was when Joe took my other belly shot at 30 weeks, so I figured I'd have him take another one for comparison and prosperity sake before we went to bed. I had an incredible headache (that I still have, actually) and was exhausted. But I did try to fake it.

Full moon tonight and drop in barometric pressure

2011-02-17T18:38:00.000-08:00

Does that mean the baby will decide to come tonight? I'm not holding my breath, but I wouldn't mind if she did!

I still don't have an induction scheduled, and I don't want one if there's no medical reason to have one. But my doctor said that if I don't have the baby by 41 weeks, we'll schedule one. In the meantime, I have my next appointment on Monday, which is my official due date.

So far she's been very compliant. I told her she was grounded and couldn't come before February. Then I told her she couldn't come until after Valentine's Day. Now I've let her know she can come any time she's ready.

Woo hoo! Finally!

2011-02-04T13:35:00.000-08:00

I have been waiting for MONTHS to have the carpet cleaned in our house. I was tempted on more than one occasion to rent (or even buy) a carpet cleaner and go after it myself. However, hearing that someone had offered to do it for free kept me from giving in to that temptation. Unfortunately, we didn't end up getting it done for free, but we did finally get it done. It only cost $100 for the whole house (and they were done in less than an hour). Now when the carpet in the nursery is adequately dry, we can put that together.

Someone online today mentioned that due dates aren't calculated correctly... she said you're not really "due" at 40 weeks. She said it's more like 40 weeks plus 10 days for first time moms. I don't know how much truth there is to that, but it made me realize that I could potentially have a March baby instead of a February baby. I guess I'm okay with that! She'll come when she wants. I'm hoping it's not before Valentine's Day, because I have a lot of things going on next week and then have to teach in church (assuming I'm able) on the 13th.

I'm now having an internal debate as to whether I should go back to Lovenox injections after she is here or go on Coumadin. My OB said I should be on the blood thinner medication for 6 months. With Lovenox, I wouldn't have to have my blood drawn as frequently to check the levels of it in my blood, and it won't pass to the baby through my breast milk. With Coumadin, I wouldn't have to do any injections, as it's a pill. However, it might be more tricky to get and keep my levels in the proper ranges, which means I could have my blood drawn 2 or more times a month. I do have offers to watch the baby while I get my blood drawn, which is nice. I'm still not sure which route I want to go!

My 37 week OB check

2011-02-02T16:05:00.000-08:00

Today's appointment wasn't very long. I had to have the Heparin levels in my blood checked at 9:00 am. From there I went into the doctor's office to wait for my 10:00 appointment, hoping they'd squeeze me in early but prepared with a library book.

The appointment itself was fairly short and uneventful. The doctor gave me instructions as to when I should go into labor & delivery. That's when it really hit me that she could be coming any time!

So, do you have any guesses as to the date and time of her arrival? What do you think her measurements will be?

Ugh

2011-01-31T14:12:00.000-08:00

I have to increase my Heparin injection dose amount again. I'm not sure how different my blood levels would have come out if the lab would've actually drawn my blood in time (they were 30 minutes late drawing it), but oh well! I will get another blood draw on Wednesday. What a fun life I lead!

And here are my fur babies:

Why I'm stressed & down

2011-01-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

In July I developed a blood clot (DVT) in my calf. Part of it broke off and traveled to my lungs, resulting in large blood clots in both lungs (pulmonary embolisms). I have been on blood thinner medication (Lovenox injections, two times a day) since then.

My OB said I had 2 options: 1) stay on Lovenox until 39 weeks pregnant and schedule an induction, or 2) switch to Heparin injections at 36 weeks and take them until I go into labor on my own.

I decided to go with option #2 because I’d like to avoid an induction if at all possible. I had an OB appointment scheduled for 35 weeks. I called the OB about a week before I would run out of Lovenox injections (which would be a few days before 36 weeks) because I knew how difficult it was to get those injections, and I wanted enough time to get injections before I ran out. I was reassured that Heparin injections would be much easier to get than Lovenox, and I was told I’d get a prescription at my appointment.

I have had difficulties with Target pharmacy since I started switching prescriptions to them in 2010 (I kept getting coupons for $10 gift cards to Target when filling a new prescription or transferring a prescription to Target, which is why I still did it despite the difficulties.), and so I had been thinking I should get the Heparin prescription filled elsewhere. But I was at Target running errands anyway, so I took the prescription to the pharmacy and asked if it’d be difficult to get it filled there. I was falsely assured by the employee that it wouldn’t be a problem. She said I should be able to pick up the medications the next day, over a day before I would run out of the Lovenox.

The next day, instead of getting the 90 vials (3 vials a day- a 30 day supply), they called to tell me they had 3 vials in that I could pick up but should have the rest of the medication by the following day (Friday). I decided not to take an extra trip to Target and take Lovenox another day instead. Friday came, and Target said they’d only received one box of vials, giving me a total of 25 out of the 90 vials. Still, no more would come in until Monday, and I would run out of Lovenox on Saturday, so I had to pick up what they had.

When I went to pick up my partially filled prescription, they learned I didn’t have any syringes at home I would need to take the medication (Lovenox came pre-filled, so this was all new to me). The employee "helping" me was kind of rude and frustrated about it, but I figured they’d just call my OB and get the needed prescription. I waited while they sorted things out and finally left Target with the 25 vials and 25 syringes. They said the rest of the medication should be in on Monday.

I hadn’t heard anything on Monday, and I’d had to go in to the lab to check the level of the Heparin in my system. I kept calling the OB office for the results, thinking it might be easier to get my prescription changed if needed (the doctor said he’d anticipated my levels would probably be a little low) before I picked up the rest of the vials. Unfortunately, I didn’t hear the results of the lab draw until Wednesday (the levels were indeed low). However, I hadn’t picked up the rest of the prescription yet (I'd gotten a call on Tuesday letting me know the rest of the vials and syringes were in the store and waiting). So I headed back to Target right after my appointment to see if they could adjust my prescription. I learned that they wouldn’t do it. They told me to simply take the new dose and then let them know when I was running out of the medication. Then they’d fill my new prescription, letting my insurance company know the early refill request was due to a dose change.

But I let them know that the syringes that were ready for me to pick up were too small for the new dose I needed to take, so I would need different syringes. And that started a bunch more drama and complications. The COMPLETELY unhelpful pharmacist sent me away from the store about an hour later with 5 syringes that she figured would be adequate enough to last me until they could order and get in a more appropriate size.

By the time I left Target, it was already past time when I should’ve taken my next dosage, so I decided to inject myself in my car. I pulled out one of the syringes Target sold me (yes, the pharmacist made me pay 25 cents a syringe, saying the rest of the syringes should be cheaper since I’d be buying them in bulk or through my insurance or something) and pulled out a couple vials. When I took the cap off the needle, I realized this had to be wrong.

My injections are supposed to be subcutaneous. The gauges are larger for subcutaneous needles (meaning the needle isn’t as wide around), and the needles themselves aren’t very long. This needle was very long and wide. I started crying out of frustration, since I'd been told by the pharmacist this was all they had. I knew I had to use it if I wanted my injection. So I started pulling up the medication into the syringe, which was challenging enough, and injected myself, only pushing the needle in about 1/3 of the way. The area continued to bleed for several minutes, even with applied pressure. And I realized that a fair amount of the medication was actually stuck in the syringe, meaning I didn't get the new dose anyway.

I called my OB office while I was still sitting in my car to see if they had any syringes I could use until Target could get the right syringes in. One of the nurses there put me on hold while she looked, eventually telling me that she found a box. I headed back to the office to pick them up. When I got there, Target pharmacy was on the phone with my OB office saying they needed a prescription for the syringes and trying to find out what the specifics were for the syringes I would need. I looked at the syringes the nurse gave me and was confused, because it didn’t seem possible that the syringes themselves were anywhere NEAR large enough to fit my entire dose (the old or new dose) in it. However, I accepted them gratefully anyway and left, when the nurse said they should work just fine, hearing her tell the pharmacist I wouldn’t need syringes through Target after all. I figured I’d know in another 8 hours whether or not the syringes would work, and I had 2 syringes that would accommodate my old dosage if all else failed.

Sure enough, the OB’s syringes were way too small. So instead of starting my new dosage, I had to take my old dose. And I saw all the bruises on my stomach and cried out of all the stress and frustration I’ve gone through this pregnancy in general and the past couple weeks more specifically. While crying, I started grieving, realizing that I don’t think I have it in me to go through an entire pregnancy’s worth of injections plus an additional 6 months post-pregnancy of blood thinners, blood draws, etc, and all the health risks again. I’m all but 100% certain this will be my only pregnancy, and I grieve for that loss. I want more kids, but I don’t think I can physically, mentally, and emotionally go through this again. I cried myself to sleep while my husband tried to comfort me.

Yesterday I started making some calls to find out what size syringes I needed (how the heck am I supposed to know?) and where I could get them. I had to drive about 30 minutes each way to get syringes, but I was glad to have them when all was said and done.

This picture shows a standard sized pen for comparison’s sake, followed next by the original syringes I got from Target (they hold 1 ml of Heparin, my old dose and have a ½ inch length needle and a 27 gauge), followed by one of the 5 syringes Target gave me for my new dose (they hold 3 ml of Heparin, much more than my new dose, and have a 1 ½ inch length needle and a 21 gauge), followed by the syringes from my OB (they only hold 3/10 of a ml, I realized, and they’re supposed to be for insulin, I guess), followed by the new syringes I picked up yesterday (they also hold 3 ml of Heparin, but the needle size is only 5/8 inch and the gauge is 25).

So I went back in to the lab today to check my Heparin levels again. The lab was short-staffed, and I ended up getting my blood drawn 4 ½ hours after my injection, instead of the 4 hours it was supposed to be. Grr! Hopefully that won’t affect my levels too much! And hopefully I don’t have to adjust my levels anymore before the baby comes. I do plan on going back to Target to get that prescription they haven’t filled so I can have it filled elsewhere and canceling all my auto-refill medications with Target and transferring them elsewhere too.

But I still grieve that this will be the only pregnancy I likely experience, and any more children we have will likely be adopted. I worry about my baby’s health, even though things look okay with her on ultrasounds. And if something is wrong with her, I will fully blame myself and hold myself accountable for the rest of my life.

35 week ultrasound and pictures

2011-01-25T07:08:00.000-08:00

Last week I went in to have another growth ultrasound completed. The doctor wanted to make sure there weren't any medical reasons for me to start having NSTs as well as to check on the baby. Joe left work early so he could attend with me, and it was a really good appointment. I love how my doctor takes the time to sit down with us and answer any questions we have! He is so thorough I swear it's like he anticipates questions we may have and explains things more thoroughly than he needs to just so that we don't have any questions that pop up later!

The ultrasound tech measured the baby's head and some other bones. We were told she is in the 48th percentile weighing approx 5 pounds and 13 ounces right now. We were also told she is measuring 2 days ahead, which we don't quite understand. However, I think that may have to do with the size of her head, as I noticed from the measurements of her head that it was measuring 2 days larger (however they determine all that). I know ultrasound measurements aren't exact or anything, but I have been told the baby gains about an ounce a day now, and so it would appear that I most likely will not end up with a baby that weighs near as much as Joe did when he was born (over 9 pounds), thank goodness!

Here's her profile:

After all the measurements were taken, the tech switched from the regular ultrasound wand to another wand, and a 3D image popped up on the screen. It was so cool! And while I think Joy may have been annoyed at the pressure (she kept blocking one side of her face with her hand), this particular image that was captured turned out pretty neat!

I just love that little nose! I am so excited to meet her!

I have awesome friends

2011-01-24T11:23:00.000-08:00

I am so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life! My friend Stacy threw a baby shower for me at her home on Saturday, with my friend Denise helping out with the organizing and decorating of the shower as well. And my friend Nancy helped out with the yummy food (I ate 3 freaking delicious cupcakes and more than my share of other heavenly food too!). I saw some extended family that I haven't seen for quite some time and learned that a couple of them didn't even know I was pregnant until they got the invitation to the shower! I guess we have to do a better job of spreading our news personally instead of expecting other family members to help us spread it!

Anyway, the decorations were lovely. Denise made an adorable diaper cake as a centerpiece as well. People showed up (which I was extremely grateful for!) and brought wonderful gifts. We ate and chatted and played some fun games. And now Joy has a sea of adorable baby girl clothes and lots of necessities like wipes and baby powder and diapers and so on. I am getting so excited to welcome my baby girl into our family, even though she already feels like a part of it!

I even have such thoughtful friends who live out of state or who couldn't make it to the shower give us gifts! It is such a blessing to know such wonderful, giving, loving, sweet people!

Here are a few pictures from the shower. I wish I would've given my camera to someone to take pictures while I was opening up all the presents, and I wish I would've gotten more pictures of the games and people just chatting and having a good time! Oh well! Thank you so much to my friends!

A cute mirror decoration:

My chair:

Vivian, Linda, and Laura:

Jennifer & Jennifer:

The table (the "cake" in the middle is the diaper cake):

Jodi, Jeani, and Nancy:

Everyone who attended (except Tammy, who had to leave early):

Thanks for the memories and for the celebration for Joy! I look so big! Guess that means she's almost here!

Our Christmas and New Years

2011-01-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

Joe and I were fortunate enough to be invited to spend time at Christmas and New Years with my aunt & uncle (and my 2 cousins and their families). We went to my cousin Kristine's house for dinner on Christmas Eve. Her kids were all there, the two oldest with their new spouses, and we played games after dinner before heading home.

We slept in on Christmas morning and woke to a quiet house. We had a nice breakfast and a relaxing morning, our only agenda items to prepare rolls for Christmas dinner, head to my aunt & uncle's house to open presents, and have dinner at their house. In the early afternoon, we drove to their house and opened presents (we were so touched that they bought us gifts as they clearly didn't have to). Then we hung out for a while and chatted before we had to head home to get the rolls ready. In the later afternoon, we headed back over to their house with the rolls in tow for a yummy Christmas turkey dinner. Everyone who had been at the Christmas Eve dinner was there with the exception of my cousin Clay and his wife, who were spending Christmas Day with her parents. My uncle's old navy buddy and his wife were there (we have met them a couple previous times at their home), and we had a nice dinner. Then we played some games before calling it a night.

We weren't sure what we were going to do for New Year's Eve, but some friends from church invited us over to their home to play games and eat snacks. We took them up on this offer and had a nice time. I was actually surprised I was able to stay up until midnight this year (we failed miserably last year), and impressed that Joe was as well, since he'd been up well before the sun to work that day.

On the first, we were invited to a late lunch/early dinner at my aunt and uncle's home. In addition, Joe had spent a few hours in the morning helping someone from church move out of their home.

So while our holidays were relatively quiet and uneventful, we had a nice relaxing time and were able to get in some extra sleep and time together. I hope you enjoyed your holidays and are looking forward to a good 2011 (and I hope it is good to you!).

Blog changes

2010-12-30T14:32:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to decide if I should keep this as more-or-less a personal blog or if I should change it to a "family blog." I know my husband has the ability to make posts on here, but he has only done so once. And I have seen time and time again when people have kids (especially their first) that most of anything they post online is related to their children. So I was thinking maybe I could change this to a family blog and just post general updates about the family. If I don't do that, I may start a second blog with family-type updates but have that be private with required permissions to read. What do you think?

My year in summary

2010-12-26T11:51:00.000-08:00

In January I started working with a fertility specialist. I'd only been pregnant very briefly in 2009, so I wasn't sure if my body could handle a pregnancy. I have PCOS, so my cycles have been very irregular since about 2006, which I was sure didn't help matters any. The fertility specialist ran some tests and started me on Metformin to help regulate my cycle.

In March I joined Sparkpeople.com and started tracking my food and exercise there. I lost 25 pounds by the end of May, still being able to enjoy my dark chocolate and some other indulgences. The organizer part of me enjoys the charts and graphs and the lazy part of me enjoys just how easy it has been to track my nutrition and exercise without having to do so much math. I enter my favorite foods in the database if they aren't already there, which makes it so much easier down the road. Tracking my food really increased my awareness and motivated me to add exercise and watch my portions better so I wouldn't have to ban sugar or any specific foods I enjoy from my diet. I even started looking at restaurant nutrition menus online and planning what I was going to order before going out to eat so that I could stay in the ranges I should be in and indulge guilt-free.

In April I followed up with the fertility specialist, thinking that my cycles were becoming more regular but still not quite how they used to be or should be. Ultrasounds were completed to track my ovulation, but my body wasn't fully cooperating, so I was started on Clomid to see if that would help me ovulate. More ultrasounds were taken in May so further testing could be completed around the time of my ovulation. But in between the second and third May ultrasounds, I unexpectedly ovulated. The tests would have been put off for another month, but I ended up getting pregnant with that ovulation, so further testing was no longer needed.

However, I went back in to the fertility specialist's office for a blood pregnancy test to confirm the pregnancy and also have my progesterone levels checked. The progesterone levels were low, which could have potentially ended in miscarriage. So I was put on some progesterone pills and had my levels tested again later to see how that was working and was told my levels were much better.

While all of this was going on, I also did some temporary work grading national testing writing papers for elementary school aged children for a couple weeks in May. It was an interesting but also at times frustrating experience. Still, I kept with it because we needed to get extra income any way we could, and it gave me something to do!

In July my parents came for a brief visit. Around that same time, I was offered a part-time job I'd had a handful of interviews for, working as a supervisor in a bookstore. I let them know I had just found out I was pregnant, and they said it was okay and offered me the job anyway. I was excited to start the job but nervous about potentially spending all my income there! Shortly after my parents left, my job started. Along with it, my morning sickness also started. I had to call in sick one day and leave work after only being there a while another day my first week of work thanks to vomiting. Luckily, my new boss was very understanding!

Before my first week was over, I ended up in the ER, all but 100% sure I had a blood clot in my left calf (I'd had one there previously back in 2003 after breaking my left foot). Not only was I told that I did, indeed, have a blood clot in my calf, but I also learned part of the blood clot had broken off and traveled to both my lungs, where apparently there were substantially sized blood clots in both lungs that could have killed me. I was admitted to the hospital and ended up staying in there for a week. While there, I had an IVC filter surgically placed in my vein so that if more of the blood clot were to break off, it would be caught there before it could get to my lungs or anywhere else.

My new employer was very patient and understanding during all of this, covering my shifts as needed while I was in the hospital and then being willing to give me a couple weeks or so off as needed after getting out of the hospital to recuperate. However, I began working with a perinatologist (high risk OB) after being released from the hospital, and he said I could not work until after the baby was born, so I had to quit my job. He also told me a while later no flying or extensive car rides (unless I get out to walk around every couple hours) for the rest of my pregnancy as well, meaning we wouldn't be seeing any out of state family for the holidays.

Since my hospital release, I have had alarms going off twice a day to remind myself to inject blood thinner medication into my stomach so my baby and I are safe (oral blood thinner medication would kill her). She appears to be healthy and growing well and is due in February. Meanwhile, I'm still throwing up and now experiencing other wonderful joys of being pregnant like back pain and shortness of breath and so on. But otherwise, I appear to be doing okay myself.

In September Joe and I paid off the last of our credit card debt (which in and of itself was a miracle, considering my extensive medical bills and almost 2 years of being unemployed, minus the two-week long temporary assignment and couple days of part-time work I got in before going into the hospital) and started planning a cheap, local vacation to celebrate. We figured it might be the last time we'd be vacationing before the baby comes. We took an off-season vacation to Ocean Shores, WA in late October and spent most of the stormy weekend in our hotel room playing games and relaxing. It was heavenly!

In November I participated in National Novel Writing Month. I successfully completed the first draft of a novel I've been wanting to write but hadn't gotten around to putting to paper. Now I just need to figure out how to get in lots of editing until the novel resembles a little better the idea I've had in my head.

In addition, to help pass the time this year, I have been attending various meetings put on by the community. They have helped me and Joe think of things we can do to help get ourselves ready for emergencies and then help out our community in case of such emergencies. We have slowly been purchasing and putting together supplies, such as food storage, 72 hour kits, emergency evacuation plans, and so on. We feel a lot better prepared for what might come our way than we were even earlier this year! I am also doing some volunteer driving with a company called Senior Services, doing some online education, and volunteering with the homeowners association. Plus, I have to admit that I've loved all the extra time I have had this year to read!

We are lucky to have some extended family members who are nearby. We've gotten together with some of Joe's cousins a handful of times over the year. And just this past week we met up with Joe's step-brother and his family for lunch and to catch up. And we spent Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas with my aunt & uncle and their family.

We're excited and nervous to be new parents. We don't know how to really prepare our cats for the arrival of a baby, but I think they know something is up, as some small and not-so-small changes have started taking place all around them. We've started getting a few baby gifts, painted the nursery lavender, and purchased a couple items that are helping us realize that the birth is just around the corner! We start childbirth preparation classes fairly soon as well!

So while we've definitely had our trials in 2010, we have also had many blessings and opportunities for personal growth and development. I am so grateful that I've had such wonderful support around me, in the form of family and friends. I am especially grateful for my hard working, loving, patient, spiritual, inspiring, entertaining, handsome husband. I am looking forward to 2011 and the new addition to our humble and happy family.

Another power outage and blessings from paying tithing

2010-12-21T11:18:00.000-08:00

Man, we just have great luck where we live, I guess. Yesterday, the power went out again. This time, I think it was for about 2 hours, but it meant no shower for me (gross! lol). What's ironic is that our power lines are buried, and yet we have friends who live fairly close with normal power lines who haven't lost electricity a couple of the times we have. I think we must be on the grid with some areas nearby that don't have buried lines. Still, we have no idea what caused the outage yesterday. Oh well! I'm just glad I didn't have to clean out the fridge again and re-buy any more groceries!

Joe got a Christmas bonus yesterday. Neither of us has ever had one before, and we have been stressed about money a lot over the past several months (if not longer). Still, we have continued to pay tithing at church because we believe that as we make sacrifices to help others (we also fast each month and donate a check equivalent to the cost of the 2 meals we've fasted) and pay tithes as Jesus taught, we will be blessed. And we have been, time and time again! I am so humbled by the generosity of people around us, offering to give or lend us baby items so we have less to buy. We've also all but emptied our savings and checking accounts a couple times recently to pay medical bills only to find money in unexpected places. I do believe God has blessed us greatly and continues to do so as we strive to be good people.

Now if I can finish up these Christmas cards (yeah, I know, we're slackers!) and the electricity stays on, I want to get some holiday baking done! I'd like to give some goodies to some neighbors and friends!

Then later I will have my first prenatal massage. I can have up to 20 massages covered a year by my insurance company, with only a co-pay on my end. I'm totally looking forward to it, as I have had a lot of back pain lately! This will be my 3rd professional massage ever. I hope it's nice (my second massage was on our cruise last summer and resulted in back pain for me for at least a couple days afterward) and relaxing!

Belly picture

2010-12-16T14:16:00.000-08:00

I keep getting requests from people to post a picture of my belly... so here it is. I've got about 10 weeks left.

An open invitation

2010-12-13T14:46:00.000-08:00

I was starting to get worried about how emotional I've been lately. But then I read my weekly pregnancy updates and saw that it's normal to start feeling that way in the third trimester. I swear every little thing is making me cry... and sometimes I'm not even sure why I'm crying.

Also, I must face the reality that I can't depend on my mom coming to visit when the baby is born (something I started depending on a few years ago when I first asked her if she'd do that). I can't get my hopes up that she'll be able to make it, because odds are that she won't. When I first heard the news that she and my dad were planning on a mission, I figured that meant she wouldn't be coming, and I was crushed. But when I talked to her, she said she was still planning on coming, and I got my hopes up. But now that they've got official plans to leave for their mission about a month before the baby is due, I am again faced with the reality that it just doesn't appear likely. And that crushed me all over again.

I thought about my 4 sisters who have had babies within the past couple years, and my other siblings with young kids of their own to take care of. I wondered where and how I'd get support, longing to get some from family I know and trust. I emailed my oldest sister today, and in an answer to my prayers, she responded almost immediately with a very enthusiastic yes that she'd come to help out. I know she may only be here for a few days, but I miss my family terribly and don't know when I'll see any of them again. And that sucks. It hurts.

I also miss my friends. Even some of my local friends are so busy with their own families and lives that we rarely see each other. I know it's just going to get harder to coordinate things when the baby arrives, and that saddens me.

So, I may want a couple days to spend with just my husband and baby when she first comes, although I may instead already have fifty million parenting questions I want to ask the experts that are in my life and long for support. For my friends and family near and far, I invite you to come spend some time with me and the baby when she comes, if you can. If you're busy with your own family, I totally understand. But know that I love and miss you and would love to see you!

Ultrasound pictures

2010-12-02T14:26:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have procrastinated long enough. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, I have been all but glued to my desktop since yesterday afternoon working on restoring my iTunes as much as I possibly can. I decided to take advantage of some of that time yesterday and scan my ultrasound photos so I could share them.

I had another OB appointment today (the first ultrasound in 10 weeks), but there weren't any pictures. No matter, since there weren't any head or body or hand or feet shots. But I did get to see her practicing breathing and kept hearing from the ultrasound tech and the doctor how good things look. I have approx 12 weeks left before she's here! My OB has extensive training with blood clotting disorders, and she gave me some tips for injecting myself (much different than those I got from the hospital) that will hopefully help reduce my belly tenderness and bruising.

One of the nice things about my health problems is that it has resulted in a lot of ultrasound pictures tracking the baby's growth, which has been fun to see.

Here she is at approximately 6 weeks (at the fertility clinic):

And again at approximately 10 weeks (after I got out of the hospital at my original OB's office):

Then 11 weeks (my first appointment with the perinatologist's office):

Then again at approximately 12 weeks:

The next 4 are from the full fetal scan (at about 18 weeks) where they measured everything. The last picture is the "money shot" that shows it's a girl:

Today was more measuring, although not quite as extensive. They said she's weighing in at about 2 pounds 11 ounces and is in the 42nd percentile. Her kidneys and bladder look good, as well as the placenta and fluid levels. So while I'm not yet really gaining weight (and only have about 12 weeks left to go), I should start gaining about a pound a week now, I've heard/read. That'd put me right at my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm totally okay with that.

She's been moving around quite a bit, and her head seems to be putting pressure on my bladder. Luckily, it doesn't seem to be causing too many bathroom trips throughout the day and night just yet! We've got her nursery painted lavender now, but that's about it as far as baby preparations so far. We are praying that somehow everything works out okay! I have a sister-in-law who has some hand-me-down stuff for us in Utah, but I don't know how we're going to get it from there to here (she said it's 3 boxes full of things including clothes, a really nice breast pump, a travel bed, and some other items) before the baby is born. We're hoping somehow to get them here so we can actually use them!

If I ever get any belly pics taken that don't make me look stoned or like a half-drowned animal, I'll post those. I wish I was more photogenic!

Challenge yourself!

2010-11-30T13:13:00.000-08:00

I was just reading a friend's blog about how she talked herself out of taking the easy way out of something and pushed herself, feeling great after what she accomplished. I know that I often do something, whether it's eating unhealthy, skipping exercise, sitting in front of the TV, or something else because it's "easy" or "simple" or "comfortable." However, when I push myself past those normal routines and comfort levels to achieve a goal, I feel a great sense of accomplishment and pride when all is said and done.

This month, I wrote a 50,000+ word novel in 30 days. I did it for the first time back in 2008 and felt great. That was the first novel I'd ever written, even though I've considered myself a writer at heart (if not in practice) for a long time and have found passion in writing. What I wrote in 2008 didn't really matter to me. It was just about the process. I started and finished something, ignoring my inner editor that often thwarts my progression. But the story itself was crap. I didn't have any real idea of what I wanted to happen in the story, and I just wrote by the seat of my pants until it was done. The process was still rewarding, but for my next challenge I wanted to push myself again past my known limits.

Last year, I tried to participate but didn't get anywhere near that 50,000 word mark. I was participating as a "rebel", writing non-fiction stories about my life. While I'd still like to complete this task, since it wasn't actually writing a novel, I didn't get into the whole spirit of the month of writing as much as I had the previous year. So when I started running low on stories and realized that I would have to embellish or rack my brain for more stories to tell on my theme to get to the 50,000 word mark, I basically quit.

Determined to give myself another growth opportunity this year, I finally sat down and thought through some basics of a story idea that had been floating around in my head since about the time I finished that first novel. This was a story I wanted to write while maintaining the integrity of my idea, as it is a story I wanted to TELL to be READ and ENJOYED. So I started out with some basics and a lot of questions. The writing process was extremely difficult at times (and as I've only written a very rough first draft so far, I know there's a lot more difficulty ahead). In fact, as I neared the end of the story late last night, I was sitting at my computer and thinking, "How do I want this to end?" It's a question I'm still asking myself, as I'm not anywhere near satisfied with how it has ended for now. But I know that I will be working more on this novel down the road.

I am so grateful that despite challenges I faced this month, I set a goal for myself and accomplished it! I feel that this has been a real learning experience for me about myself, and while writing was at times painful because of the difficulties, I feel stronger and more confident (and even a little bit of pride) as a result of my accomplishment.

I encourage you to take one of your passions and set a goal relating to it that requires some sacrifice, pain, challenge, etc. Don't talk yourself out of reaching for that goal. Don't worry if you don't quite reach it the first time either. Just keep trying! It will be worth it in the end!

My favorite quote on the subject is: "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it, you will land among the stars." -Les Brown

Attempted murder she wrote

2010-11-30T00:30:00.000-08:00

And now I'm done with my second novel (well, the first draft, anyway)!!! I must say it is heads and shoulders above the quality of my first NaNoWriMo novel. I'm excited to do lots of polishing on this one instead of leaving it to be a big pile of horse dung like the one I wrote in 2008. I actually like the story line and think it has potential. Now, off to bed!

Winter Weather

2010-11-19T13:26:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons I moved to Washington from Arizona was because I wanted cooler temperatures and more rain. I don't do well in extreme heat or cold weather and was told to avoid extremes as much as possible because of my skin. Something else that appealed to me about Washington (at least the area I live in) is that it's not really snowy in the winter. Sure, there might be a couple days of snow each year on average, but it's not the whole you-need-snow-chains-to-drive or even the snow-stays-around-for-days situation. So I don't mind it when it happens.

And yet, that hasn't exactly been my personal experience in Washington yet. I got my first taste of Washington winter weather about 2 months before moving here. I arrived the day after the ice storm of 2006. Electricity was out for most of my trip, which was quite an experience. But I heard that was abnormal and then moved here.

I got a job at the end of 2007 working about an hour or so away from where I lived. I gave myself 2 hours to get to work because I didn't want to be late due to traffic, and so I was usually around 30 minutes early. And I had to drive up and down some scary hills in snow a couple times that had me scared to death. My husband was out of town at an army training while I was trying not to die or crash my car on my ride home. Again, I heard that wasn't exactly normal around here.

Then we bought our house. We experienced more than average snow (or so I heard) in the winter of 2008. But I didn't have any real reasons that I "had" to leave the house (I was working from home at the time), so I didn't mind so much. My husband even got a couple extra days off work because of the weather, so we had some nice time together right around Christmas. We went out for walks in the snow a couple times too. But I realized I didn't have adequate shoes for snow.

So one day we walked to the Fred Meyer just over a mile from our house (up a hill) to buy me shoes. They didn't have any in stock at the time (possibly because they'd all been sold due to the weather). I slipped and slid and fell a couple times, twisting my ankle while walking home from the store where I'd gone to buy shoes that would prevent me from doing just that. Figures!

I was grateful to have a "milder than normal" winter last year, even though after my experience in 2008, I bought more cold weather clothing and supplies (I still don't have a whole lot, but it's tough when you need to basically change your entire wardrobe due to a move). I don't recall any snow sticking at all, even though I believe some did fall.

But now they say this winter could be worse than usual, and we have snow in our forecast for the weekend. In fact, it may be a fun snow/rain slush mix on Monday. But at least it's supposed to be sunny on Tuesday and then not rain for a few days after that so I don't have to worry about the Thanksgiving drive a few miles away to my cousin's house for dinner. I may have to drive a bit during the snow on Sunday, but that's probably all (and I'll probably have my husband do it instead if it makes me nervous). And now I've got some shoes that should be more appropriate for the weather. And I can still zip my baby belly into my winter coats (for now, anyway). So I'm hoping I'm good to go!

On writing

2010-11-13T14:59:00.000-08:00

I'll be the first to admit that my imagination isn't near what it used to be as a child. However, I haven't given up on some of my dreams and even catch myself daydreaming at times. I enjoy writing, not just about myself to feel self-important, but to have a creative outlet. I'm not a crafty person. I'm not a fabulous baker or cook. I know where my interests and skills are, and I try to push myself from within those confines, hoping to have some sort of growth breakthrough.

But writing itself is often a painful process for me. I'm not talking about physical pain but an indescribable pain. When thoughts form in my head, they are pure, unfiltered, perfect representations of my weaning imagination. And the process of trying to find words to describe those thoughts adequately, to give them justice and life, is quite a challenge.

I know this story I'm writing right now is just a rough draft. It will need extensive revision and further contemplation before the polished work comes close to resembling the blooming story as it is forming in my mind. But even the process of searching for words that maintain the integrity of my thoughts is strenuous. It is exhausting. I figure out an acceptable short-term way to write a particular passage, and then I mentally collapse, begging myself for a reprieve. Yet I continue to push myself, and I actually enjoy the challenge.

Since my last blog entry, I have not written every day. I missed one day unintentionally (I simply ran out of time and energy before I'd been able to write a word). On the days I have written, I haven't always met even the minimum word count requirement, as is illustrated by the calendar widget I have posted on the side bar of the blog (green are days I get in the "minimum," while my "minimum" should now be higher because I'm behind; red means I didn't write on those days at all; orange means I wrote something but not near enough; yellow means I wrote close to the minimum without reaching it). However, I know the writing process isn't just about writing for me. I am giving myself opportunity to learn and grow, and that is the great fruit that the finished story will represent. So I will continue plugging on.

And, as motivation to stick with it without procrastinating until the end of the month, when running out of time could become a serious issue, I have vowed that I will not see Harry Potter until I'm at least caught up with the suggested daily word count totals for that particular day.

Nanowrimo

2010-11-06T16:22:00.000-07:00

Today is six days into November, and my plans aren't working out so well. I have been sick all week. Joe has been sick for the past few days, but whatever he has is worse than what I have, so I'm not sure that he got it from me. Anyway, as a result of feeling sick, I haven't been doing much writing or studying. I have been doing a lot of reading.

The first day of the month, I wrote about 1800 words. I hadn't written any more until today. I've doubled my word count, but I know there's no way I will catch up by the end of the day today. I don't want to just write 1667 more words each day (or even 2000), as it will take a long time before I'm caught up if I do that, and it doesn't allow me to have any more "off" days without falling further behind. Therefore, I'm giving myself until the end of the day on Monday to get caught up. And if Joe returns to work on Monday (which he's currently planning on doing even though we're both not feeling well yet), it may be a little easier for me to get writing in.

November plans

2010-10-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

The holidays are right around the corner. I've actually been thinking about them for some time now, and I am excited about them. It'll be our last holiday season before our family increases by one, and it'll really give us opportunities to enjoy each other's company without (hopefully) too much stress that can come during that time of year. I already feel like November is going to be busy, but I'm looking forward to it!

I would like to participate in (and win!) NaNoWriMo again this year. I have plans to write the first draft of a 50,000+ word novel during that time. But I don't want that to be all my thoughts are about during the month! I have a lot more I want to do, so I'm going to need to plan, plan, plan and schedule out my days.

I'd also like to start getting in more exercise. I'm not feeling nauseated quite as frequently as I was before (although I am still dealing with both that and vomiting), and I seem to have at least a bit more energy when I'm awake (I still sleep a lot!). So I'd like to use the treadmill at least 3 days a week again. I don't think that should be too difficult to schedule in.

And I need to get back to work on this medical transcription program. It has fallen so low on my priority and interest list lately that I haven't done a THING toward completing the program. I am a procrastinator by nature, but I know that I can't shove more hours into a day than exist to get it finished in time. Still, I'd like to try to complete it by the end of March so I don't have to pay extra to get an extension. When I plan out my schedule, I'll figure out how many hours a day/week are realistic to work on that and go from there.

We need to get to work on getting the nursery ready. We still have to pick out paint and then paint the room. Then we need to clean the carpets (anyone have a carpet cleaner we can borrow???). And we need to keep our eyes open for some second-hand furniture and other supplies, as we are strapped TIGHT thanks to medical bills.

I may end up having my baby shower in November, but I don't know if that's realistic because the date that was thrown out there is quickly approaching. I'll have to talk to the people who offered to throw it for me and see what they think. My mom thinks it's too soon and we should just plan it for January, but I'd kind of like to know sooner rather than later what gaps we will have in baby items so we can (somehow) figure out how to budget those in the remaining months of the pregnancy.

Other than that, I can't think of much else that is or should be pressing issues. That, of course, doesn't mean something won't come up between now and the end of November, but hopefully with a plan of attack I won't feel so overwhelmed come December!

Babymoon

2010-10-26T12:15:00.000-07:00

Joe and I aren't able to see family for the holidays. We also have a very limited budget thanks to medical bills and my "temporary disability." But we set goals for ourselves individually and as a couple, and we reached a goal and earned the reward. One of our goals was to pay off our credit cards. We had made some adjustments to our expenses earlier this year and aggressively tackled our credit card debt. I am to blame for a lot of it, as I didn't always live within my means as a single adult. I am glad I learned my lessons before getting married, however, and adjusted my lifestyle. I'm also grateful that Joe was willing to marry me with my debts (I just wish I could magically make these student loans disappear!) when I've heard of that being a deal-breaker for some.

So, to celebrate paying off our credit cards, we put less money than we were putting into a monthly credit card payment into a mini-vacation. Babymoons, as pre-baby vacations are being called by many these days, are increasing in popularity. And when I realized it might be a while before we get the opportunity to go on a vacation after the baby comes, the idea appealed even more. So, we booked a hotel room in Ocean Shores, WA for a couple nights and eagerly looked forward to our trip.

Joe decided to take Friday and Monday off work. I asked him if he'd like a day to just do whatever by himself since I'm always around at home now, and he (kind of) took me up on that offer. We went to Sonic for breakfast on Friday and ran an errand in that neighborhood. When we got home, I spent a few hours reading a book in the living room while he watched some movies and spent some time on his computer in the family room. Then we watched a bit of TV together. That night, we went to the Moore Theater in Seattle to see Mike Birbiglia perform. We enjoyed the show, which was more like a story-time than stand-up comedy, but which provided plenty of laughs anyway. Then we came home and crashed.

On Saturday we slept in a bit before heading to Carnation, WA and Camp Korey for their fall activities. We went through a corn maze (and found a fire pit where we roasted s'mores in the middle of the maze), ate pumpkin pancakes, sipped on hot chocolate, and took a hay ride. It was enjoyable (and cheap). Our whole drive from here to Carnation (about an hour away) was rainy, but the weather cooperated the entire time we were there, which was pleasantly surprising.

On our way home, we stopped by the grocery store to get some snacks for our trip and some other groceries. Then we headed home, packed, and made the two-plus hour drive to the coast. The weather wasn't very cooperative on our drive there either, but it was a nice, peaceful drive without too many other cars on the road once we got through Tacoma. We'd been contacted on Friday because we had unknowingly booked a room that was handicapped-accessible to see if we were able to switch rooms as it was needed by another guest. Of course, we agreed, and were told we were actually getting a room "upgrade" to the "most popular room in the hotel." We spent the weekend relaxing as storms raged outside, playing games together, watching movies, reading, window shopping, and checking out local cuisine. We even managed to get a short walk on the beach in between showers (it started raining again almost right as we returned to the car).

We headed home yesterday and relaxed at home before going out to dinner to celebrate Joe's birthday. I've realized that while I appreciate getting away from routines and creating new memories, it's always nice at the end of those trips to come home to the conveniences and familiarity of home. I'm glad we were able to enjoy these various activities relatively frugally so we wouldn't have to stress about how we were going to pay for anything. And it was nice having that extra time to spend with my sweetheart creating memories that we'll cherish.

Inhaling

2010-10-19T11:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a huge appetite yet in this pregnancy, but I have had some hungry days. I swear, no matter what I ate on Sunday, it just wasn't enough! I had a granola bar as a snack while at church and felt like I hadn't eaten for a day when I got home about 1 1/2 hours later. I ate all day long.

Yesterday I woke up feeling just as famished, but eventually the sensation went away, more or less. Thank goodness! If I ate like that every day for the rest of my pregnancy, I could see myself gaining at least 20 pounds!

Because of my pulmonary embolisms, breathing deeply has been a challenge since early on in my pregnancy. I'd read about people becoming short of breath or whatever as their organs moved and got squished a bit, and so I think I attributed at least part of the breathing challenges to that both before & after the hospital. Still, while it seems to actually be getting easier to breathe during the second trimester for the most part, I do find myself winded when I carry a heavy load of laundry up or down the stairs. Guess I may have to start using our ghetto laundry chute again.

Yes, we have a laundry chute, but it's nothing to brag about. It was made (by the previous owners) by cutting a hole in the ground and covering it with a raised piece of wood. The chute itself is a rectangular section of a vent that was attached to the wall in our laundry room and then painted over so it would "blend in" a bit. The clothes then fall into a little squarish area cut out of the cabinetry in the laundry room. Still, that might be better than hauling clothes down the stairs and huffing and puffing, especially as I get bigger (I wish that didn't have to happen!).

Shoot!

2010-10-18T16:27:00.000-07:00

I just signed on to Target's website to add one of the items from my baby registry there onto my Amazon wish list in hopes of winning The Wish & Win $100,000 Sweepstakes (a girl can dream, right?). And I noticed that several items from my baby registry were "no longer available." Crap. Guess I get to spend several more hours trying to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to add to the registry, compare that to my list to see what is still on there, and then try to fill in the holes.

And in other fun news, I learned something very frustrating on Friday about our finances and insurance. If I wasn't already wondering how to make ends meet without me having to get clearance and go back to work ASAP after the baby is born (and then wondering where she'll spend her days and what sorts of influences she'll be subjected to), this definitely would've made me. As it is, however, it's just another stress I don't feel like I need right now. Guess that answers the question as to whether or not I'll be getting this beauty for Christmas or a baby gift for myself or anything... It's going to be a cheap, cheap Christmas!

Movement

2010-10-17T18:36:00.000-07:00

I love feeling my baby girl moving around inside me. I haven't been able to feel it for very long, but in a short period of time, I went from not being able to feel her move to faintly feeling her move from the outside. I took Joe's hand and placed it on my stomach while she was moving around yesterday, and he said he felt a small movement.

She's moving right now, in fact.

We had dinner with three of Joe's cousins and two spouses to celebrate a birthday for one of them. They're pretty much the only family on his side still left in this state, so it's nice when we can get together. One of his cousins is pregnant and due in early December, and we chatted a bit about being pregnant. She told me that while she can tell I have a baby bump now, I also look like I'm skinnier. Hey, I'll take it! I definitely feel like my belly is getting bigger, but I know that even the maternity jeans I bought recently seem a little large for me (especially in certain areas). I know I can't credit it to wonderful eating while pregnant, but I am trying to get in various nutrients daily and not just munching on chocolate (or foods garnished in chocolate). I do admit I had some chocolate milk with dinner, and it was delicious!

Overwhelmed

2010-10-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

While I sleep at least 8-9 hours most nights and then spend the majority of my days on the couch, nauseous and exhausted, it's not how I was expecting pregnancy to be. I love my friend Nancy for sharing so candidly her thoughts and feelings about being pregnant. Some people like to gloat that they feel so beautiful and wonderful and love being pregnant. Ugh. I want to punch those people right about now, lol.
Thursday morning I woke up all but screaming with the most intense leg pain I've had since I tore my MCL and meniscus. Yowza! I remembered all the tips I'd read on dealing with leg cramps, and I tried to flex my foot toward my knee. But it wouldn't move. I had to put my foot on the ground and kind of lean down into it to simulate the flexing motion. The pain then moved around in my leg and eventually (after what seemed like 10 minutes but was probably closer to 3-5 minutes) the pain went away. I had some soreness to deal with the rest of the day but figured that was normal.
On Friday I was up at about 4:00 am. I wanted to sleep desperately, but I just couldn't. And so, as I laid in bed, thoughts of what I *could* be doing instead flooded my head. Within a few minutes, I decided to just get up and get started. I organized one of our hall closets. I found a place to put some items that had just been lying on my bedroom floor for lack of a better place to put them. I organized the cupboard under the bathroom sink. I vacuumed the nursery. I washed (and even put away!) some laundry. I vacuumed the hall. I cleaned. I read. I wrote. I checked emails. I'd made a big to-do list and got a lot accomplished on it.
When Joe got home from work, we ended up taking a nap, as we were both sleep deprived (he more so than I, but no matter how many hours I do sleep, I often FEEL sleep deprived). Then we headed out to get some fast food and Dairy Queen blizzards (we had coupons for both) and to see Alice in Chains in concert. My leg was still sore, but I wasn't too worried about it. I did mention before bed that if it was still sore in the morning, I'd check in with my doctor's office just to be safe.
It was still sore, and so I did check in. I also followed up with the OB yesterday, per the recommendation of the physician-on-call I spoke with on Saturday. Today I will have the levels of my blood thinner checked to make sure they're still in the therapeutic range. If the blood thinner levels are fine and this soreness is a blood clot, the doctor believes it must be small since my leg isn't swollen, red, or warm, and I'm already on therapy for that, so there isn't much else to be done.
I'm over halfway done with the pregnancy. We have picked out a first name and started a baby registry, and that's about it. We need to have the carpet cleaned in the nursery and we need to paint it. We need to buy whatever furniture and other items we don't receive when/if we have a baby shower (and Joe has a couple co-workers who are giving us some "baby stuff," but we don't know what that'll be except some clothes their baby girls have outgrown). We need to tour the hospital (I'm still bummed I don't even have the OPTION of a home birth or working with a midwife because of my health problems). We would like to take a prenatal class or two but haven't picked anything out or signed up yet. We need to create wills, living wills, power of attorneys, and whatever other legal forms (I'm so worried something bad might happen when I go into labor or between now and then since I almost died already in this pregnancy). I need the flu shot still (but was denied it yesterday because I may be getting a cold). I am supposed to pick out a pediatrician before the baby comes. When it gets closer to the date, I want to make some freezer meals to have on hand for when the baby comes. We have baby-proofing to do, lots of expenses to take care of (but not the money to do so, which is a whole different worry of mine), and various other items to take care of pre-baby. Plus, there are the holidays coming up and everything that goes along with them.
Meanwhile, yes, I still have morning sickness. I throw up a few times a week, so I'm just glad it's not more. But I have such food and smell aversions that lots of the tips people have given me and those I've read just aren't working. For example, nothing ginger helps at all. I'm just doing the best I can, eating what seems like it will stay down. I've had to stop eating something after a bite or two when the nausea gets really bad on multiple occasions. And sometimes those are things I had no problem eating before. I did have really strong cravings for Taco Bell bean burritos a while back, but those are gone and the burritos have made me throw up the last couple times I've tried to eat them. I also feel like I'm running out of places on my stomach to inject myself with my blood thinner because of all the tenderness and bruising there.
I know things aren't going to get any easier when the baby arrives, and I am trying my best to "enjoy" this time I have to read and relax and sleep. But frankly, I'm not really enjoying it.

Cat nap

2010-10-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

I swear, at least 5 hours a day my cats can be found here:

Apparently it's very hard work being so adorable and lazy.

Frustration

2010-09-29T12:34:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I can blog anymore. I'd explain why, but I don't feel comfortable talking about my feelings on my own blog, which is pretty much explanation enough.

Pregnancy Cravings?

2010-09-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

What sorts of things have you mothers craved during your pregnancies?

I don't eat very much fast food-- maybe once or twice a month, if that. However, I have had fast food a LOT during August. Taco Bell has been the main thing I've been craving. And not just Taco Bell, but their bean burritos. I just realized today how much sodium is in one of those things (and I threw up right after I finished eating it), so hopefully that craving is over.

But other than that, I've been craving mostly bland and/or cold stuff. I've eaten a lot of bread, drank a lot of milk and chocolate milk, enjoyed Dreyer's Strawberry Fruit Bars, ice cream, yogurt, pudding and sherbet. I've craved Jello a lot, but I haven't made any to eat, so I just shrug off that craving when it comes. Joe was telling me he was glad I didn't have any "weird" food combo cravings. And the same day he said that, I made myself a peanut butter, jelly, banana, and chip sandwich. It's not TOO far off what I've had before, but I've never had that combo before, and I really was craving all those things specifically... so I combined them.

Our renter moved out last week. The room may sit empty for a while. But in about 3 weeks we should find out the sex of the baby, and then we may paint it and get ideas about how we want to get the room ready.

I went to Target's website to create a baby registry and was happy to find the Puj tubs my old high school friend, Katie Richardson, created available to add to the registry. I knew I wanted one of those long before I was pregnant! I added a couple other things, but I felt completely overwhelmed by all the choices and decided to stop for the time being. I think I may need one of my friends who is a mom to help me know the sorts of things I should add to the registry and what we don't need. It sounds like Joe may be interested in creating a registry on Amazon too. What are your "must-haves" for babies? What gadgets could you do without?

Sonic Boom

2010-08-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I heard a sonic boom. It freaked me out. I was standing outside doing a little trimming while an auto-glass repairman was putting on some finishing touches on Joe's windshield. There was an extremely loud "boom, boom" followed a few seconds later by another identical "boom, boom" (the echo, maybe?). The repairman asked me if there was a range nearby, and I told him I had no idea what the sound was from. I figured I'd probably find something out later and kind of shrugged it off. I thought maybe something had exploded.

I told Joe about it, but he hadn't heard anything from where he was. He did hear what the noise was from on his way home from work, and he emailed me a link to a story about it.

The president was in Seattle yesterday, and an aircraft flew into the restricted airspace. In response, two F15 military fighter jets were scrambled from Portland. They accelerated to supersonic speed, but the small aircraft had left the restricted airspace before the jets arrived. The violating plane landed on Lake Washington, where the pilot and his female passenger were questioned by Secret Service.

911 call centers were overloaded as a result of the incident, and people reported their houses being shaken.

Genetic Condition and Blood Clot

2010-08-16T19:26:00.000-07:00

With all the blood testing I had done earlier this month, everything came back normal, except I have a genetic condition that predisposes me to getting a blood clot at 3x the rate of the general population. This condition, called factor V Leiden is the most common blood clotting disorder, according to an article I read in a magazine just today. It has been recommended that my siblings are tested for it, as it is hereditary. My doctor does think that had I not broken my foot back in 2003, I probably never would have developed the first blood clot, despite having the condition. And if I hadn't developed that first blood clot, he thinks I probably would have never gotten this one, either.

Regardless, certain factors substantially raise your risk of developing DVT-- a blood clot in the deep veins (usually the thighs or legs). These include recent elective hip or knee joint replacement surgery; broken hip, pelvis or leg within the last month; serious trauma within the last month (a fall, broken bone, car accident, etc); spinal cord injury resulting in paralysis within the last month; pregnancy or obesity; and personal or family history of blood clots or a blood clotting disorder.

I also learned from the article I read that about 600,000 people in the US are hospitalized with DVT each year, and a whopping 300,000 die from pulmonary embolisms (which can occur when a blood clot breaks off and travels to the lungs, like happened in my case), according to The Coalition to Prevent Deep-Vein Thrombosis. What this means is that more people die from DVT-related complications than from breast cancer, diabetes or AIDS.

To learn more, visit preventdvt.org or clotcare.com

Okay, okay

2010-08-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

My last post was just for fun... we will be making the room into the baby's room. Of course, we don't need to do that right away or anything, but I probably will. I want to start keeping my eyes peeled for a rocking chair at a thrift store or something. And then before too long, I'll probably start looking for other pieces of furniture for the room. But if I get a rocking chair and that's the only thing in the room for a while, maybe it'll be used for reading/meditation until it is needed.

I had an ultrasound on Wednesday as part of the first part of a screening to see if the baby is at risk for Down Syndrome. Luckily, everything looked okay there. There was also a blood test that was part of the screening, but I won't get that part of the results for a few more days.

My next appointment is scheduled in 6 weeks. At that appointment, I'll have another ultrasound and blood test as the second part of the screening. And, if we're lucky, we'll find out the sex of the baby at that time.

In the meantime, I'm hoping this morning sickness goes away soon. It seems like there are a few different foods that don't tend to make me throw up, but the majority of "tips" I've tried to help lessen it haven't worked. I'm just glad I'm not feeling nauseous right now. Even though I tend to only throw up once or twice a day, and not daily, I feel nauseous a fair amount of the time.

And now to talk about something other than my pregnancy...

2010-08-09T12:56:00.000-07:00

We have been renting out one of our bedrooms to a friend from church for about a year. She's not home very often these days (she's working 60 hours a week right now and spends most of her free time out of the home), so it's easy to forget we have a roommate. We have enjoyed having the extra income and extra person to play games with (although we haven't done that for a while). And now she'll be moving out by the end of the month.

Last night Joe asked me what I want to do with the room. Oh, the possibilities! I could use the walls as a over-sized canvas and practice finger painting. Or I could spend my days in the room, depriving myself of light and comforts to feed my inner writer with ideas. We could get rid of the litter boxes and build a sandbox in the room, converting it into our cats' walk-in toilet. I could hang a bunch of shelves and rods and make the ultimate walk-in closet. We could turn it into a time-out room or a sex room or a meditation room. If we knew someone else who needed a place to stay, we could just rent it out again.

What would you do with an extra bedroom (not too large, not too small, blackout blinds, ceiling fan, carpeted, closet)?

Another ER visit

2010-08-06T17:53:00.000-07:00

I went back to the ER today with chest pain. They didn't figure out where the chest pain was coming from, but they ruled out some various causes and then sent me home. They said the treatment I'm on right now for my blood clots is really the best treatment for me at this time, and I'll be following up with my doctor. In the meantime, the woman who did my CAT scan just had to say something that will make me worry about whether or not my baby will have mental retardation as a result of the tests they've run. Gee, thanks.

I think the pain is probably a result of part of the blood clot in my leg breaking off and getting caught in the filter they installed to do just that. It is more noticeable when I'm more active and not really noticeable at all when I'm lying down. So I guess I'll be doing yet more of that (just when I was starting to feel like I could walk around and get around more with less pain in my leg).

The perinatologist visit

2010-08-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

Today was my first official OB appointment. There was no physical, but I sat with a nurse for over an hour, answering questions about my medical history and going over some various pregnancy information together. Unfortunately, I won't be giving birth at the local hospital like I was hoping to, but there's not much I can do about that, since I'm seeing a specialist. The nurse did another ultrasound, and I got to see the baby moving around quite a bit. She ordered some lab work but wanted to make sure the doctor didn't have any other labs he wanted done at this time (she was thinking he might want to get some genetic testing done to see if that explains the blood clots), but the doctor was out to a "business lunch," so I grabbed some fast food and headed back to the office to find out what he wanted. Unfortunately, by the time the doctor and nurse talked, it was too late in the day for me to get the lab work done today, so I have to go back in tomorrow to get the lab work done. However, the doctor did come out to the waiting room and talk to me briefly after he met with the nurse. He said that I can't go back to work (in retail anyway) because he's worried about me getting another blood clot. I didn't think to ask him if that was just a temporary thing or if he meant during my entire pregnancy, but I figured I'd left the job hanging long enough, so I called and told the supervisor the bad news. At least I will have more time to devote to school, and I hope I will be able to finish before I give birth. I do have an appointment scheduled with the doctor next week, so I will be sure to get more clarification as to my work situation and also ask any questions that may come up.

Blood clot information and thanks

2010-07-28T16:47:00.000-07:00

So while I've been scolded lovingly by some (and told by a friend that she was mad at me for not going to the ER sooner), I have been VERY upset with myself. I was *sure* the pain in my leg would go away and that it was just a sore muscle from being on my feet more than usual for my new job. And there were times where the pain did seem to go away, reaffirming my belief that I was just making a big deal out of nothing. Until, that is, I realized that it was what I'd feared... a blood clot. And by that point in time, it may have already spread to my lungs. I'm grateful that I'm still alive, knowing full well just how close I was to dying. I know I'm not in the clear and will be on high alert for the rest of my pregnancy and then the rest of my life, but I'm grateful for the gift of my life and grateful the baby appears to be okay.

I wanted to thank everyone for their support as I've been going through this. I received various texts, phone calls, emails, visits, prayers, comments on blogs, etc during this time, which has helped me realize I'm not alone. And when you're stuck in a hospital bed for about a week, it can be easy to feel alone at times!

So, I have an acute blood clot in my left leg. Apparently it starts around mid-calf and goes up past my knee (holy cow, this thing must be huge!). And part of it broke off and traveled to my lungs. I have bilateral pulmonary emboli (or, in other words, blood clots in both my lungs), but I don't know how large they are. I do know that I started breathing well enough to get off of oxygen on Wednesday or Thursday last week, so I'm taking that as a good sign. I still feel a little short of breath sometimes, especially after walking or talking a lot, but I seem to notice it less and less.

I am on blood thinners and will be taking them the rest of my pregnancy and after. However, the pill-form of the blood thinners are not safe to take during pregnancy, so I will be giving myself injections in my stomach twice a day for the rest of my pregnancy. I did talk to a doctor who recommends being on blood thinners the rest of my life, but I may be able to switch from the injections after I'm no longer pregnant. Blood thinners don't help dissolve the blood clots or help with pain. They simply prevent any future blood clots from forming.

Your body slowly breaks down the blood clots on its own, which I was told might take a few weeks. In the meantime, I'm still in pain, but I have found that lying down with my legs up seems to hurt the least. However, walking helps promote circulation, so I was told to walk around as much as I can handle with the pain but not to push myself too hard. I will be wearing compression stockings too, which will help with circulation.

Other than the blood thinners, I’m not on any different medications than I was when I went in to the hospital. In a couple weeks (when I’m 12 weeks along), I will stop taking both Metformin and progesterone, which I am happy about.

So what caused the blood clot? I have no idea. I didn’t go from being really active to being inactive. In fact, I’d say I was pretty active right up to when I got the blood clot (and even attempting to continue being really active despite the pain the blood clot in my leg resulted in). I didn’t go flying. I did have some risk factors for developing one, which include having had one before, being pregnant, and being on progesterone. But as to whether any or all of these played a role, I doubt I’ll know. A doctor I met in the hospital wants to run some genetic tests after I’m no longer pregnant because he said that despite my risk factors, it is very abnormal that I would get a blood clot on two different occasions by my age.

What is to prevent the blood clot from breaking off more and traveling to my lungs or elsewhere? When I had my first blood clot, I was sent to the ER right away and given injections in my stomach for (I think) 5 days, which I was told would help the blood clot from breaking off. So now that I’m actually on those same injections, I guess that will help. But an IVC filter (or blood clot filter, also known as a vena cava filter) was surgically placed through my neck into the large vein that carries blood from my lower extremities. So it will catch any clots that might break off before they make it to my lungs or heart.

I went to my OB today for a follow-up appointment from the hospital. She did an ultrasound and the baby looked okay. I heard the heartbeat, and the baby measured at 10 weeks 4 days (although I’m pretty certain that is at least 2 days later than it should be, and it is 4 days later than the baby measured when I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks 2 days). The OB said she wanted to refer me to a perinatologist, and she gave one a call. The two of them decided I should transfer my care from my OB to the perinatologist. So, I have my first appointment with him on Monday. I hope I like him. And I hope I can deal with the pain in my leg long enough to make it through the 90-minute appointment.

I am also grateful that I had the blood clot I did back in 2003, because the blood clot in my leg felt the same and was more or less in the same place. If I hadn’t experienced that blood clot, I might not have realized what was going on until I was in much worse shape than I was (which was bad enough, granted).

And, again, I am grateful for all the support I have received and am still receiving. I know that many people out there were worried about and praying for me, and I have felt a lot of love at this difficult time despite the trials I’m going through. So thank you!

FINALLY home!

2010-07-26T16:27:00.000-07:00

I have a long recovery still ahead of me, but I am home from the hospital and hanging out on my couch with my leg propped up. I finally got discharged this afternoon around 2 and my cousin Kristine picked me up from the hospital and drove me home. It was a painful ride. Right now, I can only spend about 3-5 minutes sitting with my leg down or walking before the pain starts to increase more and more. My leg turns a purplish tinge as the blood rushes to it. And apparently I'm still getting wiped out when even walking short distances. So I'm going to be making myself quite comfortable on my couch for the next week or two or three until this blood clot has dissolved more. I'm so glad to be home! And I'm so grateful for everyone who visited or called or texted or emailed or even just prayed for me during this tough time. I'm trying not to stress too much as I continue to deal with this throughout the rest of my pregnancy (and prepare for lifelong treatment), praying that I have a healthy pregnancy despite this challenge.

Where I've been since Monday

2010-07-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

While my super sweet, supportive, sleepy husband takes a nap in the recliner next to my hospital bed, I figured I could take this opportunity to update my blog with the events of my crazy week. This is the first I've been on a computer since early Monday.
I thought I had a blood clot in my leg as early as last Wednesday or Thursday but hoped it was just some sore muscles from standing on my feet much more than I was used to with my new job. By the time Sunday rolled around, however, I was pretty sure it was a blood clot. And still, I didn't want to have to pay an ER bill if I could get testing done to confirm it in another way. I had Monday off work, so I figured I would call my OB's office and see what she suggested I do. I didn't get to talk to her, but a nurse told me to go to the ER to get a doppler on my leg (and medication for a blood clot if I actually did have one) because they wouldn't be able to do that at their office anyway.

So I let Joe and my parents know I was going to the ER. Then I took a shower. Right after the shower, I had to lay down and prop up my leg because of the pain. After a while, I got up again and dressed, but I had to lay down and prop up my leg again. Clearly something was wrong. I finally got to the ER. There was one other person who was waiting to be taken back as well, but when the check-in desk saw that my heart rate was 130 and my blood pressure was something like 140/101, as well as the fact I was pregnant and had a history of a blood clot and was short of breath, they took me back to a room quickly.
I had an EKG done immediately. I also had blood work done. I was put on oxygen and a blood thinner, given a doppler and an ultrasound, given a CAT scan on my chest, and was admitted to the hospital.

Not only do I have a blood clot in my calf, but the blood clot in my calf extends up the back of my calf past my knee and part of it had broken off and traveled to my lungs. So I have blood clots in my lungs too.

On Tuesday I was taken in to surgery to have a filter put in to catch any more blood clots that might break off so no more travel to critical organs (I'm really lucky to be alive, actually). Because I'm pregnant, I can't take the most common blood thinner out there (which is a pill form) and instead have to give myself shots in the stomach twice a day throughout the rest of my pregnancy (and a doctor recommended that I be on blood thinners the rest of my life). Eventually, my body will dissolve the blood clots that are in my leg and lungs, but I am having some shortness of breath (mostly after talking and walking) and pain my leg (especially when I'm not lying down with my leg elevated). So I will be out of work for a few weeks when I return home from the hospital.

I had to stay to make sure there was a therapeutic level of the blood thinner in my blood (too much or too little is a very bad thing!) and was supposed to be released on Thursday. However, the hospital learned (on Thursday) that my insurance company won't cover the blood thinner injections they started giving me on Tuesday, so they'd have to switch to a different brand and make sure I was at a therapeutic level of that blood thinner. That extended my stay until today.

But I'm still in the hospital and will be here until Monday. Apparently pharmacies don't carry the dose of the blood thinner I will be taking and will have to special order it, which takes overnight. However, apparently pharmacies don't do the overnight deliveries from Saturday night to Sunday, so the blood thinner won't make it in to the pharmacy until some time on Monday (my doctor made it sound like it might not get there until Monday evening). So once I'm given my first injection on Monday, I will finally get to go home! But I won't be very mobile for a while!

I have had a lot of visitors, which I appreciate. I have some nice flowers to look at which helps improve the view some. We're going to have dinners brought over for at least a couple days when I get out, which will also be nice. My OB came in to the hospital on Tuesday and met me, and I will be seeing her on Wednesday after getting out. I'll also be buying $200 compression stockings to help with my leg circulation (and hopefully the pain eventually). I have a feeling I'm going to be basically hanging out on the couch for a couple weeks.

"Morning" sickness? Yeah, right!

2010-07-17T17:48:00.000-07:00

So, I've heard some people say that while their morning sickness consisted of nausea, they never threw up. I was hoping that might be the worst I'd get it. If only!

And why do they call it morning sickness? For the past few days, I've been sick every time of day EXCEPT the morning. I've already had to call in sick to work once and left early today after puking in the store's bathroom (I'd puked at home right before leaving for my shift, so I let my supervisor know I'd still come in but might need to leave early today). I told my boss I'd understand if he decided the job wouldn't work out for me because of what I'm going through, but I'd like to work 4 days a week instead of 5 as long as this morning sickness lasts, hoping that extra rest might be helpful in getting me through the shifts I do work. Guess we'll see.

Timing

2010-07-15T14:03:00.000-07:00

As I write this, I'm feeling kind of depressed. Yes, I'm glad to finally have a job, even if it's part time without benefits (except for a discount on purchases) and is so far away that I have to work almost an hour just to pay for my gas to and from work (or spend about 2 hours each way on a bus to get to work, still paying about the cost of a gallon of gas each bus ride). However, it's depressing to think that retail is all I can get (and not even a local retail job) after getting not just a bachelor's degree, but a master's degree as well.

Still, I'm trying to have a grateful attitude about the whole thing. I made it through the first two days at work, and I came home with very tired, aching legs. It's been a long time since I worked a job that required me to be on my feet basically the entire shift (as a waitress when I first started grad school), and even longer since I worked retail (as a second job after getting my bachelor's degree). I have to get used to being on my feet so much.

Plus, while the timing seems to be completely off to start a job, especially one that requires me to be on my feet so much, even though I don't exactly want to share this news right now but may as well since the cat is out of the bag, I'm pregnant. And today I am nauseous. I don't know if it's stress related or the first signs of morning sickness, but I am miserable. So, while today should be my third day on the job, I'm calling in sick, filling up my water bottle, emptying my garbage can, and going back to bed. I'm smelling I-don't-know-what that is making my stomach turn like crazy and I'm feeling beat up.

I'm about 8 weeks along and the due date is February 21st, 2011. I have my first OB appointment next week, but I've already had an ultrasound (at about 6 weeks) and saw the heartbeat. Other than some cramps early on in the pregnancy and low progesterone levels discovered early on (and for which I'm currently taking progesterone twice a day), things seem to be going well. If I can't handle this job and being pregnant at the same time, I will quit the job in a heartbeat. If I do, we may have some financial challenges as a result, but having a healthy pregnancy is my number one priority (and it's already a high-risk pregnancy too).

I went in to the fertility clinic I've been frequenting since January again today. Our insurance changed over as of July 1st, and the fertility clinic doesn't take the new insurance (even though I could've sworn I saw my doctor's name on the insurance company's website when I looked it up). So while I was going to have a second ultrasound today, it wouldn't be covered and would cost about $300. I passed. Too bad I didn't figure that out before dragging myself out of bed this morning and making the drive to Tacoma. Oh well!

I got a job

2010-07-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

So I will be starting work in Bellevue (about a 45-minute drive) next week, working about 30 hours a week. I'll be working in a church bookstore. I hope I can keep myself from spending all my money on books.

Family

2010-07-05T10:57:00.000-07:00

So there was a cousins' reunion going on in Utah, starting around the 1st of the month and ending right around now. I wish I could've gone. But I had previously planned on attending a cousin's wedding here on Friday (which was a nice wedding and reception), and the thought of spending 12 or more hours driving to Utah to spend what would amount to approximately one day with family, only to spend another 12 or so hours driving back just made it difficult to talk myself into.

I miss my family and wish they were closer. I'm so glad I have an aunt & uncle and cousins who live close. We attended a BBQ at my cousin's house on Thursday night (she had a lot of family in town for her daughter's wedding the next day) and then attended a BBQ of leftovers at my aunt & uncle's house yesterday. It's not quite the same as spending time with my parents or my siblings, but it's nice to know that they treat us like family and welcome us to their get-togethers.

I wish I had more money so I could visit my family regularly. I'm so glad I'll get to spend a handful of days with my parents this week. It's looking like we probably won't be going on any vacations that aren't local and cheap for the rest of 2010 and maybe even a decent part of 2011.

An explanation

2010-07-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

So I mentioned the job didn't work out, but I didn't go into it too much. I figured I have some time right now, so I might as well. But first, a little background...

I have a bachelor's degree in psychology and a master's degree in counseling. I have a little over 2 years experience working with seriously mentally ill adults. (I received that experience after receiving my bachelor's degree. I decided I wanted to do a little more than what my job description entailed, so I ended up going back to school for my master's degree.)

I was what was called a case manager. And after a year doing that, I got a "promotion" to a team where I'd work with acutely ill clients who needed more attention, so I had a smaller case load. I also had to be on call, and my job title was changed to mental health worker.

After receiving my counseling degree, I ended up moving from Arizona to Washington. The mental health field has been difficult for me to get into up here. Most jobs that require a master's degree are looking for one in social work (and although I have applied for some of those jobs, I haven't been interviewed for even one of them), or they also want you to be licensed (which you have to have post-master's experience to get). So I have been looking into jobs that don't necessarily require a master's degree. I'm "over-qualified" for some of these jobs, but I need to get my foot in the door. Some of them require certification as a Mental Health Professional (MHP). In order to get that certification (which doesn't exist in Arizona, by the way), you have to have 2 years experience working in mental health (got that) under someone who is a MHP (don't have that, because the certification doesn't exist in Arizona).

So when I was told about an administrative job (clearly not my ideal or anywhere near it, but I'm desperate!) with a company that provides mental health services, I looked into other jobs with that company on their website before the interview. Unfortunately, I didn't find any I would be qualified for. So I went to the interview for the administrative job anyway. And while there, they saw my experience and education and suggested I apply for a job title very similar to Mental Health Professional and told me that working in the job would help me get the MHP certification (at least a step in the right direction to finally open some doors after living here 3 1/2 years). I told them I either didn't see it on the website or realized I wasn't fully qualified for it. But the man interviewing me insisted I was qualified and suggested I apply. So I told him I would when I got home.

Looking at the qualifications for that position, I definitely didn't feel qualified. But I took their word for it and applied anyway. And they hired me. Why didn't I feel qualified? Well, they wanted someone with knowledge of basic nursing skills, including nursing interventions. And they said certification as a CNA or its equivalent was acceptable to indicate the nursing skills knowledge.

So when I showed up for my first day of on-the-job orientation, I wasn't feeling very confident about the job. And within the first 10 minutes, I knew I was not in the right place. The position is basically an orderly position. I finally got my hands on a position description and understood why the nursing skills part was important. In the job description there are lots of things I'm comfortable with or even would be okay with (although not ideal). However, the "collects stool, urine and other specimens, as requested, on assigned clients" was a HUGE red flag for me. Yeah. There's a reason I didn't go into nursing. And there was also the "assists clients with hygienic care" part I wasn't comfortable with. I'd been told that first day something about wiping adults' butts when they refused to after they used the facilities. I honestly don't think I could handle that. I also was offered a series of the Hep B vaccine, with a warning that I might be exposed to various diseases through contact with bodily fluids, etc (I'd been told people might fling bodily fluids at me). There's even a note on the job description that indicates I'd be working with bio-hazards such as blood borne pathogens, sewage, hospital waste, etc. Woah. SO out of my league.

I admire people who can do that sort of thing, but I know I'm not one of them. Besides, while the pay was decent, I don't think I should have to go to work and suffer doing things that make me want to vomit or otherwise repulse me (or even make me extremely uncomfortable) just for the sake of having a job.
Administrative work is sounding mighty appealing if this is the only kind of mental health job I can get.

Yeah... not so much

2010-06-29T18:18:00.000-07:00

Well, the job was a bust. Today was my first day of on-the-floor orientation, and within 10 minutes, I realized I was in the completely wrong place. There's a reason I didn't go into nursing... so why the heck would I work a job that really belongs to someone interested in nursing or nursing type things? I didn't make it through the end of the day today. Oh well!

My Job

2010-06-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a pre-employment physical. The physical itself seemed quite simple and even a bit silly. But with the paperwork I filled out before the appointment, I started to become really worried that I might not "pass" the physical. Joe tells me I shouldn't worry, and I'm trying not to. Unless I hear something to the contrary today or tomorrow, I'll be going in on Monday for my orientation. And then I'll be scheduled for my 3 day orientation on the floor. I'm hoping I can get time off to spend with my parents while they're in town and so I can still attend two of my cousins' weddings. And I also have some appointments scheduled in July. But the nurse who hired me made it sound like it wouldn't be difficult to get time off, so I'm glad to hear it. I guess now I just wait for Monday!

I accepted

2010-06-17T18:02:00.000-07:00

So it's official. I have a job. And just today I had a really good second interview for another job. But it's only a part-time job, it's in Bellevue, and it pays about $4-5 an hour less. I have to have a physical and TB tests, and then I'll be scheduled for orientation and whatnot. Man, it'll be tough working opposite hours as my super-busy husband, but it's necessary. Hopefully I'll be able to switch shifts before too long.

A weird job offer

2010-06-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

I was offered a temporary job at the same place I worked a while ago, doing basically the same thing. At first they wanted an answer by the 18th, but then they emailed back and said they wanted an answer by today. The job isn't until August, so I was a little ambivalent about accepting or declining. But I figured I might as well accept it, and if I got a permanent job offer between now and then, I could always tell them I was no longer available for the job (even though I hate to do that).

And sure enough, I got a call the day after I accepted the temporary job from a company I interviewed with a couple weeks ago. They wanted me to come back for a second interview. It's kind of a long story, but when I went in for the first interview, it was through a staffing agency for an administrative job. But I ended up applying for a non-administrative job with the company as well, and they seemed like they'd be more interested in me for the non-administrative job.

So when I arrived yesterday for my interview, I went to the office of the person who had done my first interview, as I was told by the staffing agency that I'd be interviewing with him and another woman. But he said he was on a conference call and directed me to the main entrance for visitors so I could meet with the other woman. She greeted me and walked me to a conference room. But then she started talking to me about the non-administrative job. I tried to stop her and tell her I was told this interview was a second interview for the administrative job, but she was insistent. She offered me the non-administrative job.

And then I had to go home and call the staffing agency to tell them how the interview went. I wanted to be honest, so I told them about how I'd applied for the other job (which they were NOT happy about) and I was interviewed for and offered that job and had told the company I was interested. Anyway, the woman from the staffing agency ended up calling the man who I interviewed with and confirmed that the interview was indeed supposed to be a second interview for the administrative position. So right now I'm not sure if I still have that job offer, but I'm supposed to go back in on Monday and meet with the woman again for a second interview for the administrative job, which seems ridiculous to me. But I can see how they want to keep the staffing agency happy, so maybe it's just a formality. I'd love to just talk to the woman I interviewed with yesterday (or even the man), but I don't know that they're supposed to talk to me. So I'm thinking that maybe I should call the staffing agency and tell them the second interview is pointless or something. I don't know. Ugh.

Financial challenges

2010-06-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

My husband and I are getting a bit creative with our finances. We had a pretty good budgeting system in place, but then we lost a HUGE chunk of our income last month. With some divine intervention, I was able to find a temporary job that helped fill in that gap just a little bit. And this month, the challenge has again presented itself. We are so grateful despite these challenges we're facing that we're able to keep things like home phone and Internet service and our Netflix subscription. But there are definitely sacrifices we've both had to make so that we are still living within our means.

One of the sacrifices we are making is our vacations. We've never been the kind of people to regularly take trips or even be extravagant when we do take trips. We bargain shop and plan ahead for flights, hotels (the couple times we've stayed in one versus staying with family), entertainment, etc. But it's a luxury we're not going to be able to afford. This really bums me out, because I have a cousin I was pretty close to before moving away getting married. And I can't make the trip to see her at this milestone in her life. I also have many other cousins I don't know very well at all because of age differences and physical distances between us, and I'm missing an opportunity to get to spend some time with them because I just can't afford the trip. Plus it's looking like we won't even be able to travel for Thanksgiving or Christmas, even if we started saving for it now.

Instead, we have looked at some of our priorities. One of those has been to find out if we can have kids or should start the adoption process. This has meant spending well over what it would've cost us for two plane tickets to see family over the course of the last two months alone for tests. And we still have tests to come. In fact, I honestly don't think we're any closer to having an answer, but that doesn't mean I've lost hope. In fact, I have a lot of hope right now, and I think that will carry me through for a while at least.

I am so grateful for the tools that are all around us and the support we receive that tell us that financial decisions we are making and sacrifices we are making are what we are supposed to be doing at this point in time. We really have been blessed with so much, and during challenging times I have found that I am reminded just how much I have been blessed.

Rearranging

2010-06-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

My husband thinks it's amusing, but I enjoy rearranging furniture. Unfortunately for me, there's only so many ways my creativity sees that I can rearrange furniture. In some rooms, it seems like the task would be impossible. For example, our family room only has three walls, and the large windows on two walls prove obstacles. I wouldn't want to cover up one or more of the windows with an entertainment center, so there's really only one wall that can go on. Then with the couch and love seat size, there really aren't exactly options as to where those can be placed.

So I find my living room both nice because I can rearrange the furniture and yet challenging at the same time. I believe the arrangement we have in there right now is the fourth we've had since living in this house. But I begged my husband to "humor me" and help me rearrange the seating configurations the other day, despite his insistence that it just wouldn't look right. I don't love how it turned out, but I like it. And with some of the challenges our living room presents, each arrangement seems okay but a little off. This arrangement is fresh and new. It's almost like going somewhere I haven't been before. So I find myself more interested in grabbing a book and sitting in there now than I was when the old arrangement became a little bit stale.

But rearranging the living room (or any other rooms for that matter) isn't the only rearranging I've done. Honestly, since I started getting serious about my weight loss, I've noticed my thoughts and actions starting to rearrange themselves a bit. My habits are being altered as a result--and in positive ways. Sure, I have quite a long way to go before I'm where I want to be. Shoot, I even have a long way to go before I'm anywhere NEAR where I want to be. But instead of letting that frustrate me and keep me from acting, my rearranged thoughts have rearranged my attitudes and actions.

I have definitely made some positive progress in bettering myself, which is something I think I will be working on my entire life. But now I don't hate myself. I'm actually kind of starting to like the person I see inside and out. She's not as weak as I once believed. She's not as pathetic as I once believed. She's not a pushover. She's not worthless.

What can you rearrange in your environment to change things up a bit (or a lot) for the better?

Canning Party

2010-05-28T14:23:00.000-07:00

I'm hosting a canning party next week. I'm excited about it, despite the fact that many people I've invited can't come or didn't RSVP (which I'm taking to mean that they're not coming). It's too bad that more people can't make it because I received party favors to give away to 15 people... more stuff for me, I guess.

I also now have canning equipment. I'm super excited about that. I know nothing about canning (but, luckily, some people who are coming do know a thing or two about it), but we're trying out a couple recipes that sound yummy and learning a new skill that I have wanted to learn for some time. Seriously, my family room is a mess right now with all the stuff I got spread everywhere. It's like Christmas!

If you haven't RSVP'd for it, please let me know if you're planning on coming or not. PLEASE. If I didn't invite you but you would like to come, let me know and I'll send an invite to you. I tried to garner interest on Facebook before closing my account, but at least one or two people who said they wanted to come ended up RSVPing no. Let me know. You get free goodies and a couple hours away from home!

Dealing with Infertility

2010-05-22T16:35:00.000-07:00

I know there are people out there who think I am just being too over-sensitive about my fertility challenges. I have been told several times to just "relax" and then I'll get pregnant, or other such unhelpful and hurtful things. Is it easy to forget about a broken foot and just keep walking on it, thinking that if you don't focus on it, it'll go away? I know this is a struggle I must work through, and I am working through it, with the help of my doctor, my husband, and my Savior.

So when I read this article today, I was reminded that while I am vocal about my struggle, there are people out there who are struggling silently. There are probably people I know who are struggling with the same sorts of issues. I know I wouldn't be able to do much to help them through their challenges except to say that I'm going through it right now myself. I know people who have overcome fertility issues, but I know it is through VARIOUS different methods based on differing circumstances and needs and abilities that those issues are overcome.

I'm still in the stage where I don't know if I can have a child. The miscarriage I had a year ago gives me some hope, but I'm still looking for answers. All I want from others is non-judgment and maybe a little sympathy or understanding. It is SO hard for me to be around a group of my mom-friends to hear them go on and on about their children. It isn't like I don't expect friends with kids to talk about their kids or bring their kids around me. But those conversations don't include me. And they act as a reminder that I'm not a mom yet. So when it's complaints about kids misbehaving all the time as though a woman wishes she didn't have kids, it is especially tough for me to hear.

How to talk to someone trying to lose weight

2010-05-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

Read the MSN article about things you shouldn't say to someone losing weight and things you should say instead. Luckily, I don't have to deal with most of these things on a regular basis, but as someone who is losing weight, I have to say I agree with them. I've found myself wishing several times that I could do things with friends not revolving around food (we do sometimes, but not nearly enough). I also feel that well-meaning family or friends are kind of insulting with some comments. What are your thoughts about the different points made in this article?

Bye, bye Facebook!

2010-05-20T19:04:00.000-07:00

I deleted both of my Facebook accounts earlier this week. I had a good friend ask me why today. There were lots of reasons behind it. I was sick of having to reset my privacy settings every time they made a change. I was sick of sending messages and leaving comments on people's walls, trying to communicate with them, and having them ignore me. I was sick of feeling like I "should" friend certain people who don't even really talk to me in person. And I was sick of feeling left out when I kept reading about all the fun things people did with others that I wasn't invited to or was otherwise left out from. Well, this kind of over-simplifies my feelings.

I've always been a very sensitive and emotional person, and I know I sometimes overreact. I know that my overactive imagination doesn't help matters. I realized I wasn't happy with Facebook or on Facebook, and I didn't like the amount of time I spent on there looking for some kind of human connection. I guess I have gotten so used to the online human connections I've made over the years and have felt really close to many of my online friends, but I find that a lot of the online communication I have with my local friends and my family actually makes me feel more more distant from them unless it's used as a way to plan in-person events (which it sometimes was, but not always). Instead of having personal phone calls or email exchanges, it's like we all expect people to read about our lives on Facebook and/or blogs and think that is doing our duty as friends or family. It's sad, because it really takes away from the personalization and human connection that I really desire. So, I know that I'm going to reach out more to people in my life, and if they really want to be part of my life, they'll accept it when I reach out and do some reaching out as well.

A terrorist attack

2010-05-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

I came home on Thursday and sat on the couch, so grateful I'd managed to get through the day at work. And then I heard tapping. It didn't go away, and I soon realized we had a woodpecker pecking at our house. I walked outside and it flew away. But after I came back inside and sat down again, the courageous woodpecker flew back and started rapping on the house. So after chasing it off again, I opened the blinds in our room, hoping it would see my cats moving around and stay away. Alas, it didn't. Increasingly frustrated, I chased it off a third time, opened the windows, and flipped on the TV, hoping that as long as there was sound on, it would stay away. So I parked myself in front of the TV for the rest of the night, which wasn't what I really wanted to do. But the woodpecker didn't come back

When I was talking to my husband about it, he said he had heard it in the morning before he went to work. So I figure it was basically on the house all day, pecking away. And it definitely left its mark! There are 3 holes on one piece of wood, and it even chipped the paint off a section about 18 inches long!

As I was getting ready for work yesterday, I heard it again. I knew I didn't want to call in to work and spend the day on the couch (tempting as that idea sounded), but I didn't want to come home to any more damage to the side of our house than there already was. So I opened a window and turned on the radio, very grateful we have an alarm I could set so I had some peace of mind. We haven't heard it since. I hope it found a new place to peck!

Convection ovens

2010-04-29T15:11:00.000-07:00

I finally got a convection oven in the not-too-distant-past. Joe really just wanted a toaster, but I've wanted one of these bad boys for quite a while. So when we went shopping for a new toaster, I pointed out various convection ovens and we got one of them instead, for pretty close to the same price.

So far, I'm really enjoying it. We've used it to bake breakfast foods twice and just a handful of cookies (from a tub of cookie dough we got recently) multiple times. We're still getting used to it, but we love how quickly it preheats. And it cooks things faster too, which is nice.

I'm still finding that I'm having difficulty figuring out how to adjust the temperatures (if at all) and the recommended cooking/baking time on products, as well as trying to figure out which position to have the rack in. I haven't started doing searches for pages or blogs where people talk about their love for their convection ovens, but I'm just about there.

Instead, I thought I'd ask if any of you have ever used one and if you have any expertise to share with me. So, can anyone reading this help me out?

Looking on the bright side of things

2010-04-24T19:46:00.000-07:00

"No change," the nurse informed me after jabbing at my girly parts with the ultrasound wand. Those two words weren't near as crushing as they were on Wednesday when I heard them at the second ultrasound of the week. Why? Because I figured if I hadn't ovulated or even shown any signs of pending ovulation by Wednesday (which was day 14 of my cycle), chances were that there would be nothing to see today either.

And I decided to look at what this means in a more positive light (I'm trying VERY hard here, okay?) instead of feeling down.

1. The later in the year I have a baby, the greater the tax benefit. I have heard the best time to have a baby is around the end of the year, because you get the same tax deduction whether you give birth on January 1st or December 31st.

2. I have more time to focus on jamming through my medical transcription program without having to worry about morning sickness or the like getting in the way.

3. I have more time to work on getting healthier before getting pregnant. Every pound I lose now will make it easier when I do get pregnant. This is the most important benefit to me.

4. I have more time to find a job, which is SUPER stressful. I understand being pregnant is stressful for your body. Really, anything that is stressful can take its toll on your body. So if I find a job and don't have to worry about that stress piled on top of the physical stress of carrying a baby, I'll be better off.

5. If I get a job, I may also get some better benefits than I have right now. I'm on my husband's health insurance (glad I have SOMETHING!), and it's not very good. I know he said it's changing sometime in the near future (hopefully to something better!), but maybe I could even get something like maternity leave with a job of my own!

6. I have a little longer to enjoy my husband and plan vacations without having to worry about a baby taking up our time and energy and making it difficult (or possibly impossible) to go on vacations.

7. I have more family members and friends realizing what a struggle this has been for us, so they can celebrate with us when we are able to finally conceive (or, if we find out we can't, when we adopt).

8. I know this one will sound weird, but there are some people I know (a lot more than I realized not too long ago) who I would like to have some success either before or (basically) at the same time we do. I know how easy it is to feel left out when it seems like everyone around you is expecting or done having kids, and I don't want people I care about to hurt any more. I want to be able to share their happiness with them and not feel guilty if I get pregnant and they're still not at that point in their lives. I know me, and I know I'd feel very bad sharing my excitement with them. I'd feel sorry for them, the way I sometimes feel for myself right now.

Yeah, I know it's kind of a stretch, seeing as it's just one month's ovulation I'm talking about here. And that's the point. It's not the end of the world. It's just one month that I'm not ovulating. And I'll be seeing the doctor on Tuesday so he can help figure out what we need to do to correct that. Then we'll be working on what we need to do to get me pregnant when I do ovulate (assuming that's possible, which I think it is because I have had a miscarriage before). I'm really trying to "let go and let God."

Another ultrasound, another $110 down the drain

2010-04-22T14:47:00.000-07:00

When I saw my fertility specialist last week, he had me come back in on Sunday to have an ultrasound from the nurse on duty. The plan was to have my follicles measured so they would know approximately when I'd ovulate. Then, when I do ovulate, they can run some tests to make sure my lady parts are conducive to having kids. In fact, they'd also make sure my husband's manly parts were up to snuff for baby-making.

So I went in on Sunday and the nurse talked me through what she was looking at. She measured my follicles but said they were too small. She scheduled me to come back on Wednesday. I paid my $110 and left. I went back on Wednesday for the ultrasound performed by a different nurse. She didn't measure anything with the ultrasound machine but basically said there wasn't any change from Sunday. This is not good news. She had me scheduled for one last ultrasound (at least for now, anyway) on Saturday. She said that if there is no change by then, they will send me back to see the doctor for steps as to what to do next. And what the doctor will do, I don't know. I paid yet another $110 and left. But this time, I was very down. I have been feeling at least a little heartbroken since then, knowing that my body isn't ovulating the way it is supposed to be, even with me being on this medication now since January. Is adding Clomid the next step? Will I quit taking Metformin and start something else instead? Am I starting all over again?

I seriously don't know how much more of this I can emotionally (and financially) take. It's like I see a little progress and get my hopes up just to have them dashed to pieces again. I'm just about to the point where I want to throw in the towel and start the adoption process. Of course that's a huge chunk of change that we don't have right there, so I'm praying that I will find a job as well as answers to this infertility journey.

The "no" experiment: I said no!

2010-04-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't had an opportunity to say no to a favor asked to me this month... until last night. But honestly, when I said no, I wasn't thinking about the "no" experiment I am doing. I was just thinking about how much I didn't want to do it and just felt unwilling to make that sacrifice.

Our phone rang just before 10 pm, which is no big deal when Joe works the late shift, but it is very frustrating and annoying when he has to get up around 3:30 am to go to work. He'd been sleeping for about an hour, and I was just starting to fall asleep when the phone rang. It woke him up and he was about to answer it when I told him to give it to me.

I answered the phone and it was someone who knows Joe better than me (we've only talked a couple times very briefly) but talks to me like we're best buds anyway. He asked for "two favors," one of which was to have Joe call him when he got home from work. I told him Joe was home and asked if he wanted to talk to him. He said he did but after he talked to me. Then he basically gave the phone to his sister, someone I don't know at all. Before she started talking to me, she asked me for a favor. I didn't agree. I asked instead, "What's up?" She started telling me about a job she just started and wanted to set up a demonstration of a product she is trying to sell. She said I didn't have to buy anything, but I turned her down for the demonstration. She tried to push it still, but I said no again and she finally said, "I understand" and hung up. So I have no idea what her brother ever wanted to say to Joe.

I don't like the social pressure of buying things from friends. It's like there's some unwritten rule stating, "If you are my friend and you really like me and want to see me succeed professionally, you will help me do so by buying what I'm selling." Even if I only had to give up an hour or so of my time to listen to a sales pitch to help someone get practice or feedback or an opportunity to sell me something, I'm buying something by just agreeing to that, because it's costing my time.

So, I didn't allow myself to feel guilty for saying no, but I can't help but wonder if it would've been harder if I would have been friends with the woman or man who asked for the favor. I was mad about them calling so late, and I felt as though they were trying to take advantage of an established relationship he has with my husband for their financial gain. If I ever work in a sales position, I will let my friends know what I'm selling, but I will never PUSH a product or service on them. I know how much it sucks when someone tries to do that to me!

Another appointment with the fertility specialist

2010-04-13T18:59:00.000-07:00

Today I had a follow-up appointment with the fertility specialist. There was no examination or anything, but the doctor and I had a good talk. I am supposed to return on Sunday to have an ultrasound. The doctor may want to put me on Clomid, but that depends on the results of tests that he will be starting. Because I have been having more regular menstrual cycles since starting the Metformin, he said that is encouraging and might be enough to help increase my odds of getting pregnant. He is going to test the hormone levels in my egg when I ovulate again to make sure everything is okay there. And some other tests will be run. Depending on what the results are, I may need some additional tests. So the nurse I spoke to after my appointment today said to prepare for some appointments with little warning, as they will be scheduled depending on what goes on with my body. Fun stuff! But it gives me hope and helps me feel like I may be that much closer to getting pregnant.

I was reading 1 Samuel chapter 1 today and started crying, reading about Hannah being overcome with sorrow at not being able to have kids and pleading with God to open her womb. I know that God knows what I'm going through and will comfort me through my trials. I also have faith that I will be able to get pregnant if I am meant to get pregnant, in God's own time. So I prayed for comfort, patience, and strength as I wait for God's timeline for me and strive to understand his plan for me as well. I know he has not forgotten or abandoned me.

Antibacterial soap is bad

2010-04-01T22:30:00.000-07:00

I rarely use hand sanitizer, preferring the old soap-and-water method whenever possible. And I don't buy antibacterial soap. It is getting increasingly harder to find soap that isn't antibacterial, but I know it isn't good. Did you know that using this regularly can cause bacteria to mutate and become immune to antibiotics like cMRSA? If you don't believe me, check out the Center for Disease Control's website.

In fact, early exposure to environmental bacteria can reduce a child's risk of developing allergies as he/she gets older. And there are some other benefits to children's health being exposed to non-sterile environments. So get rid of the antibacterial soap, let companies know that they need to make more options that aren't antibacterial (I have contacted a couple myself) or they will lose your business, and don't fret if your house isn't always clean! In fact, a little bit of exposure to pets and allergens may help your kids' health!

The "No" Experiment

2010-03-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

I am sick of being a "yes" woman. I'm one of those people you call if you need something, because I'll rearrange my schedule and/or priorities and come running. I give and give and give until I have nothing left for myself. I run on fumes (and chocolate). Today, I gave so much of myself that I am exhausted. And yet I came home at 4:00 pm and signed myself up to give some more. So it goes from me doing things out of the goodness of my heart to doing things because I feel guilty saying no when I know that it's POSSIBLE for me to do something for others, even if it isn't in my best interests. I feel guilty letting friends, family, or ANYONE down.

I was at WalMart today with a legally blind woman I gave a ride to so she could "buy canned goods." She left spending over $200, and less than a fourth of that was on canned goods. I helped her haul her booty up to her apartment and reluctantly gave her my phone number when she asked for it. I have no idea why I did that. I shouldn't have and definitely didn't need to. I spent over 3 hours with her when her request was for something that shouldn't have taken more than 20-30 minutes.

So people call and ask if I can help with this or that. I only say no if I have prior obligations or plans with someone else. If it only effects me and requires some small or great sacrifice on my part, I oblige them. And, like I'm doing right now, I end up fuming and cursing myself for saying yes. I go into the "service" activity with a terrible attitude and feeling more negative toward the person for asking me when I "know" he or she could have called someone else. In fact, sometimes I encourage people to do just that but end up feeling so guilty I call back and say, "Okay. I can do it," when I mentally, physically, and/or emotionally just shouldn't do it.

What is wrong with me?

One of my friends wrote something on Facebook that got me to venting (which I desperately need to do). She responded that I need to just say no. I told her that sometimes when I actually do say no, I feel as though the person I'm saying no to is trying to give me a guilt trip, so I feel the need to justify my no with all the reasons why I mean it. She told me not to give excuses and just say no.

So, I'm challenging myself. I have reasons, but April is an especially good month for me to say no, and it's just around the corner. For the whole month of April, I'm going to say no to those extra "little" requests from people. I'm not going to give reasons or excuses. I'm just going to say no. Even saying I'm going to do this petrifies me, so that just shows me how much I need to do it!

Happy Endings

2010-03-24T16:56:00.001-07:00

It didn't seem all that long ago that I worried I'd never get married. I had failed relationship after failed relationship. It was especially difficult at times when I met someone I seemed to mesh well with but things just didn't work out. Or I thought I was a good match for someone who didn't feel the same way about me. Still, in their own timeframe, things worked out. Despite the challenges we had early on in our marriage, we are strong and deeply in love. I ran across this story I wrote about Joe on MySpace back in August of 2006 (I have changed it very slightly). Joe and I were still friends, but we weren't dating at the time, but I knew he was special anyway.

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About 2 years ago, I started talking more one-on-one with someone. We'd met in an online community, and we found that we had a lot in common. Of course, he had interests that didn't really interest me, such as video games, Japanimation, and cars, but the way he talked about ANYTHING didn't bore me. He was an amazing listener, and I just always felt so at ease with him. I'd sit in my LoveSac with my webcam turned on and talk to him on the phone for hours. It'd feel like only minutes had gone by, and I gladly gave up a lot of sleep for that pleasure.

Before long, we arranged a meeting. I'd never been to Washington, so I decided I'd visit him and make it a nice excuse for a vacation, regardless of how things turned out (yes, I took precautions). My plane landed, and when I saw him at the airport, I wanted to puke on my shoes out of nervous anticipation.

The drive to his mother's house was nice, and she greeted me warmly with a delicious toasted turkey, avocado, and pesto sandwich (which I'd never had before but is now one of my favorites!). The three of us chatted, and then he showed me to the room where I would be sleeping (yes, I stayed at his mother's house).

The two of us continued to chat, and he pleasantly surprised me by telling me that he really wanted to kiss me. I believe "okay" was my delighted response, and so we did. It was magical. We kissed a bit and talked a bunch, and he eventually excused himself to make the drive to his place for the night as I settled in, already dreaming of him even though I was wide awake.

Over the course of my stay, we had the opportunity to kiss much more, fog up car windows, chat endlessly, enjoy the beauty of Washington, and enjoy each other's company. I met many of his family members. I mean siblings, nieces and nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, the whole nine yards. I felt like I'd found a place I could call home. I felt like I somehow belonged with the group of strangers who were not strange or intimidating at all to me (which is weird because I'm so shy at times that people just think I'm stuck up).

In thinking back over the course of that trip, there wasn't necessarily one favorite time we shared together. I mean, I really enjoyed exploring the science museum (geeky of me, but true), being held in his strong arms as I looked in awe at the view of Seattle's city lights below the Space Needle and then kissing him as we stood above the city, walking on the downtown city streets, driving through the parts of town where he grew up, hanging at a family birthday celebration, dancing to horrible music together, making out, dining at his favorite Teriyaki restaurant, listening to his mixed CDs in the car as we ventured from place to place, attending church together, and enjoying the sight, smell, and feel of Snoqualmie Falls together. I enjoyed every minute of my trip and still cherish those memories made during that time. As he dropped me off at the airport, he gave me a small "gift." Although it may be weird to many, it was and still is very cherished to me.

As I waited in the airport to board the plane back home, I wrote in my journal about our time together. I wrote about my feelings, my dreams, and the peace and joy I felt. I will never forget that weekend. Or that wonderful man. We still talk. I still adore him.

I guess this explains why I'm so optimistic about everything, despite all that I've experienced (or maybe because of it). I do believe in happy endings. I do believe that I can feel this way again in my life and build a wonderful life with a fabulous partner by my side every step of the way. I don't care if it's considered too "Hollywood" or unrealistic for some. It's out there. He's out there. We'll find each other, or I'll die trying. And I will NEVER, EVER feel the need to "settle."

------------

I'm glad Joe finally came to his senses! I never did find anyone who compared to him or who made me feel the way I felt being around him or even talking to him from afar. Shortly after writing this, we reignited our relationship and it continued to grow and grow. He made a trip to Arizona to meet my family and to see me after all that time (it had been about 2 years since my trip to Washington) and proposed on the last day of his trip. And so when I left Arizona to move to Washington, I was a happily engaged woman and soon afterward married the love of my life. I love our story. And I love being in love with my best friend.

Does anyone still read my blog?

2010-03-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I'm not sure if I should keep blogging here. I try to remember to update my online personal journal on a regular basis and sometimes struggle with that. A few weeks ago, I joined a http://www.sparkpeople.com/ and have been entering daily blogs there (mostly about my weight loss journey), so I have been neglecting this blog. But I looked back at some of my previous and admittedly kind of lame entries and noticed it doesn't appear that anyone has read them. Or maybe you did but thought they were so lame that you didn't comment.

I know I have some issues. This isn't a new realization on my part. But back when I was in grad school, I was quite active on the Love and Relationship chat boards on MySpace. I would leave for work around 5:30 in the morning and get home after 8:00 at night during my internship year. I lived alone. I was just a face in a sea of single adults at church. I didn't have any close friends outside of work, and the friends I was closest to at work ended up moving on to different positions anyway. Joe and I eventually reconnected during that year (I'd decided I was going to move to Washington after school ended and told him that), but I didn't have much of a social life. Sure, I'd try to squeeze in some time with friends on Saturdays when I wasn't busy with my internship and errands and wanting to relax, but I felt like I needed more social interaction than that. So MySpace kind of filled in the gaps, even if the friends I made on there are people I may very well never meet face to face. But I realized eventually that I was spending way too much time in my online reality and still missing out on human interaction. I eventually quit.

Then I realized I had done this before. Joe and I met on a networking site, after all. But when I left that site, most of the people I had met forgot about me. Some even hated me (because I attempted long distance relationships that didn't work out and flirted shamelessly and acted self-absorbed and childish) and slandered me.

Joe told me about a free online gaming site. A lot of the games appealed to me at first, but I found myself enjoying chatting with people more and spending a lot of time on there. Yet I want to interact more with people closer to my age (a lot of my "friends" on the site were several years younger than me, and some were in their early teens) and face-to-face. I closed out that account. SparkPeople has message boards, but I don't think I will have to worry too much about getting hooked on those and spending all day posting in there. At least, I hope I don't get hooked on those.

I have enjoyed the website so far. I've lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks. I am exercising more and eating less junk food (and smaller portions sometimes too). I am a visual learner, so having the numbers and graphs right in my face on there helps tremendously. Plus, I'm very competitive, and so I find myself pushing myself to get as many points as I can each day (you get little "trophies" for your profile with different levels of points). I'm really enjoying making this lifestyle change that for me is sustainable. Sometimes people have thrown me ideas that don't appeal at all, because I know it's not something I would stick with. But this doesn't seem so hard. And it's so organized! I LOVE being organized! I LOVE having everything in one place... support, an online food journal, a place to track measurements and workouts, and people like me! I belong to an infertility group where I can vent about how people around me are getting pregnant and having kids and somehow surrounding me (I swear I saw no less than 5 pregnant people in a recent trip to Target), reminding me of how inadequate, heartbroken, etc I feel.

So, I've been a little bit wrapped up in that the past few weeks. But I think that's okay. I'm thinking my obsessiveness about it will slowly die down a little bit and I remember that life isn't all about how much I weigh or how much I want to weigh.

For something else: Joe and I are celebrating our anniversary this week. We're going to be taking a mini vacation, for which I am very excited (especially since we're doing it on the cheap). For our anniversary gift, we picked up a blu-ray player yesterday. We love it so far. I'd purchased Discovery Channel's Planet Earth on blu-ray a while back because it was an AWESOME deal (and I've heard such great things about it), so we checked out the quality of that on our player for a few minutes yesterday after Joe set it up. He's been asking if we can watch more of that ever since. And we headed back to Best Buy (where he bought the player) and picked up a couple more blu-ray discs, which I know he wants to watch as soon as possible.

Volunteer

2010-03-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

When I started volunteering in February, I thought about learning how to drive a shuttle, but then I thought it wouldn't really be fair for me to get all that training and then only do it temporarily until I find a job, so I started volunteering to drive through Senior Services driving my own car. Still, I just got this information in an email and thought I'd post it in case anyone is looking for a volunteer opportunity or knows someone who might be interested.

Seniors in our communities urgently need your help! Senior Services Transportation Program operates shuttles in Des Moines-Normandy Park, Burien-Highline and Shoreline-Lake Forest Park. The Senior Shuttles take seniors to buy groceries, get to medical appointments and run other local errands. Because of a shortage in volunteers to drive the shuttle, routes are being canceled and many seniors are finding it harder than ever to get around. Volunteer to drive the Senior Shuttles and you’ll meet new people while helping seniors remain independent and in their own homes. Choose your weekly shifts and receive free training in defensive driving and passenger assistance. You do not need a special driver’s license and do no lifting or bearing of weight. Interested? Call Melissa at (206) 748-7588, email melissat@seniorservices.org, or visit www.seniorservices.org for more information.

Gratitude

2010-03-09T09:57:00.000-08:00

We had a great little reminder last night that we need to show gratitude more. I make a conscious effort to show gratitude, but I know I could be doing more, especially when it comes to certain people or certain areas in my life. When I think of trials I've been through over the past year, especially losing my job and having a miscarriage, my heart is saddened. I have a hard time thinking of how I can be grateful for these types of things. But then I remember Sunday's lesson on Abraham and Isaac and think that maybe part of the reason I've gone through certain trials is because I need to learn a little more about myself. Of course, through trials I have been grateful for friends who have been there for me, and I hope I have expressed my gratitude for them adequately. But I also know as a result of those trials that I can get through tough things in life BECAUSE of supports around me. I also know now that I'm stronger than I thought I was, and I know that when I need to, I turn to God instead of away from Him. Of course, I SHOULD turn to Him all the time, but it's easier for me to remember during trials. I know that when I do have kids, they won't have to question whether or not they were wanted or "accidents" or "mistakes" or the like. Despite my hesitation to do so, I know these experiences I have had are for my good, and for that I am grateful.

Why certain restaurants will lose my business

2010-03-06T11:45:00.001-08:00

Why certain restaurants will lose my business

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Sunshine!

2010-03-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

I noticed the first signs of spring growing in my yard this week. That doesn't mean it just started this week, but I can be slow sometimes. I've noticed more yellow, white, pink, purple and green as I've been driving around too. And there have been fewer rainy days. Plus, I can go outside without grabbing a coat. So I know spring is coming! I LOVE spring! It has always been my favorite time of year (not only because my birthday falls in the spring), but ever since I've moved to Washington, I have grown to love it even more! It is so beautiful here! I think I may actually mow the lawn tomorrow just to soak up some of the sun!

I know I'm not perfect...

2010-03-01T19:05:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I want to go postal at church. When I'm trying to teach to a group of women and there are some being so disruptive/chatty (or I'm leading music or something and they're whispering while looking at me, which makes me feel uncomfortable and automatically defensive and negative toward them), I want to start lecturing them about common courtesy (I guess it's not so common) or screaming or something. When I hear or see kids being totally loud and obnoxious and parents do nothing about it, letting their kids cause a huge distraction to everyone around, I want to go up to the kids and parent them. When adults and kids are rude, disrespectful, irreverent (yeah, I know "kids will be kids", but they learn proper behavior when their parents take time to teach them, or they learn to follow their parents' terrible example), pushy, obnoxious, loud, etc I think of Jesus throwing the moneychangers out of the temple and wish someone with more authority than me would set them straight. I know, I know... I need to work on being more Christlike and patient and loving and all that, but I just think of how my parents would never (now or when I was a kid) treat church like it was just some social parlor or let us kids act like we did on days other than Sundays or outside the walls of the sacred buildings. What kind of example are we setting?

Doing

2010-02-26T15:59:00.000-08:00

Helping other people always helps me feel good. While my favorite spot on the couch gets sad when I'm not sitting there at least 6 hours a day, I think it's nice to be in more than one area in the house and to actually get out of the house.

My volunteering is going well. I have been basically taking 3 seniors a week (one a day for 3 days) to doctor's appointments, sitting in a waiting room or in my car while they see the doctor, and then driving them home. It's not rocket science. But it does get me out of the house and is a way to help out people who can't drive. I've met some interesting people and have even driven a couple women who were in wheelchairs. I've got a handicapped sign I can hang from my rearview mirror when I need to, but I've only used it twice so far (with the women in wheelchairs). Next week, I will be driving my first male client. I'm getting reimbursed for miles driven, so I figure I should put the money I get from them into a new car/car repair/gas expense fund. I'm so exciting, I know.

I picked up the ceramic pieces we painted for Valentine's Day. Joe's wizard bank turned out nicely. Mine was quite disappointing: the red didn't show up very well at all. I'm glad I went over and over the heart on the front.

We got the futon for our guest room (YAY!) so it is *almost* officially done and ready for guests. We need to get some pictures or something up on the walls, clean out the dresser and closet, and install a ceiling fan. But it's usable! Come visit us!!!! We rock!

Today I spent about 3 hours down at the church building helping get it set up for the adult activity (dinner) tonight. I know I could just show up and eat and leave, but helping set up (and I volunteered to help with the dishes/clean up as well) will help me appreciate it more. So much work has gone into getting it ready!

I looked up some more specifics related to additional classes that will help me with my career, and I have some options. 1) I could use my master's degree and take some supplementary classes (and complete a 400 hour internship) to help me become a school counselor. 2) I could use my master's degree and take some supplementary classes to help me register as an associate therapist. I'd still have to work under a licensed marriage and family therapist to be able to be licensed as such myself, or I could look into (possibly) taking more classes and then working under any kind of therapist and becoming a generic therapist. 3) I could take a medical transcription program online and possibly even work from home part (or most) of the time. 4) I could take additional classes and complete an internship to become a teacher.

I know I have other options, but these are the same kinds of options that have been rolling around in my head for the past couple years or more. When I started looking into costs for the different options, I realized that #3 would be the most cost-effective. I think #1 would appeal to me more, but I don't know how hard it would be to get a job as a school counselor after all of that extra work, and I don't know if I'd be able to find a job that would allow me to work and still complete the internship. Also, when I talked with someone at a local school about that program, they said my transcripts would have to be evaluated, but I'd probably have to take about 5 units. And the cost for each unit is almost $3000, which is more than the entire medical transcription program.

So I'm thinking I can start with #3, and if I'm able to get a job doing that and decide I want to save up money for one of the other options, I can do that. Hopefully I can find either a part or full time job while I'm going to school for medical transcription, but the program is self-paced, and I suppose I could just work my butt off to finish it ASAP if I don't find a job in the meantime.

I didn't shoot my eye out

2010-02-16T14:24:00.001-08:00

Hope you all had a nice Valentine's Day or at least survived it without feeling too depressed.

Joe and I had a nice 4-day weekend. He took 2 mental health days off of work and we decided to do some things that were a little different than usual. We slept in on Friday, Saturday, and Monday (he did a little on Sunday, but I tend to sleep in anyway).

On Friday, I picked out our activities. We started by going bowling, where Joe kicked my butt at both games. I told him it tends to take me a couple games to "warm up" where I play terribly (my high score out of the two games was 69. Ouch, lol) and then I have maybe one or two good games and then I start doing poorly again. Well, he said his first game was his best game ever and he was very close to getting a turkey! His second game wasn't quite as good, but still better than mine (I was robbed from a couple strikes!). He isn't a big fan of bowling and we'd never done it together, but hopefully this might make him change his mind, because I enjoy it and hadn't gone bowling for well over 3 years.

After bowling, we hit up a Japanese sushi (& other Japanese foods) buffet. I wasn't all that hungry, but I piled my plate up before I sat down. And then I saw a sign that said there was a 20% charge for uneaten food. Joe had to help me clean my plate. The sushi was mediocre, but Joe said he wouldn't mind going their again. I should've looked harder for wasabi, which makes me enjoy sushi more.

Next we headed to a painting ceramics store. We didn't have anything specific in mind to paint, but he ended up painting a wizard bank for me and I ended up painting a vase for him. He wished he hadn't chosen something as detailed as he did while I wished I had chosen something that wasn't as much of a blank canvas. Our "creations" will be picked up today, and they are no masterpieces, but it was something neither of us had done before and enjoyed.

We decided to head home after painting and ended up staying home the rest of the evening. It was nice relaxing at home after having an active day together.

On Saturday, we didn't have anything major planned. We ate lunch at Red Robin and went futon shopping. First, we checked out futons at a local store, and then we went to Ikea. The products didn't compare at Ikea, so we decided to do a little more investigating online but figured we'd probably buy from the local store. We shopped online a bit but ended up going back to the first store to place our order. We were able to set the futon up to be delivered and set up for a very reasonable rate. We should get it in a couple weeks when the cover we ordered is available. We're really excited, because this will make our guest room more usable, and the futon seemed quite comfortable and sturdy.

After purchasing the futon, we went to a church Valentine's dance for adults. We snacked, chatted with some people we knew from church, and danced. It was the first time we'd really danced since our wedding (I say "really" because after we returned from our cruise without dancing-- and much to my dismay-- I made Joe dance with me in our family room). We only danced on the slow songs because Joe said he couldn't remember how to swing dance without a refresher class and he said he didn't know how to do any other kinds of dances. So we literally danced in circles. It brought me right back to dances as a teenager. We are definitely going to take a dancing class.

On Valentine's Day, we made breakfast together (German Oven Pancakes) and then headed to church. Joe didn't have any church-related meetings, which was very unusual but nice. So after church, we headed home, made lunch together, watched some TV, made dinner together, watched more TV, and played games. It was very relaxing and enjoyable.

Yesterday, Joe got to pick our activities out. We headed to Bellevue to go to an indoor shooting range. I had never fired a gun before in my life, but Joe wanted me to feel a little more comfortable with one, so he reviewed usage and safety information with me, showing me how to aim and all that fun stuff. Then he let me have a shot at it, literally. I swear my heart was beating so loudly in my chest that I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I got less than a dozen total shots off, but felt like that was plenty for my first time through. He said I did pretty well for my first time, but I was just glad to have that done with.

After the shooting range, we headed to an indoor go-kart racing track. We paid ridiculous amounts of money to ride in electric cars with 4 other people (including one young boy who kept getting in my way and annoying the crap out of me) around the track for a total of about 16 laps and then that was that.

We headed to downtown Bellevue to shop and eat. We wanted to eat first, but our first two choices for food were places that weren't yet open, so we ended up at Bellevue Square. While trying to figure out where we'd eat, I decided against shopping. We ended up having fabulous Italian food in a restaurant where we were literally the only customers there. Afterwards, we headed to Video Only and Best Buy to look for a blu-ray player (we couldn't find one we were interested enough in buying) and then headed home.

When Joe asked me yesterday what activities I liked the most, I had a hard time answering that. While everything we did was okay, nothing was spectacularly fun or anything. On the other hand, it was very nice spending so much time together without time restraints or specific obligations strewn throughout. The only thing that we'd planned that had a specific time frame was the dance on Saturday night, and that didn't come close to interfering with anything we were doing. I told him I liked being out of the house (I swear that doesn't happen nearly enough these days), enjoying the sun (yesterday, anyway), and just spending time with him. I even told him that getting out made the sitting at home and watching TVs and DVDs more enjoyable for me because it was more of a way to relax than just a way to pass the time.

Here goes...

2010-02-01T14:56:00.001-08:00

While we're on a tight budget right now (for various reasons, such as potentially owing money to the IRS, me not having a job, wanting to save up for a futon and some other home-improvement items, debt repayment), I am not against trying to lose weight. I know I need to. No one needs to convince me of that. I have doctor's recommendations that I'm following, but I have been curious about Weight Watchers and their points system for a while.

Still, I don't know how I feel about paying $40 a month to go to meetings. I have thought about joining the local community center, but that's $40 a month also. With the wii exercise games, workout DVDs and VHS tapes (yes, I still have VHS tapes: don't judge me), and the treadmill, I think I'll be okay with workout options (I'm a wuss from Arizona who doesn't really like to go walking in the rain, even if it isn't much more than a drizzle).

I got information about how to figure out Weight Watchers points from an anonymous friend (do they castrate you if they find out or something?), and I'm pretty excited about it. I LOVE charts and graphs and math and visual aids (I'm surprised I'm not some sort of accounting geek or something). So Joe and I sat down together and did some number crunching. I had some junk food today (bad girl!) and figured that into my daily allowance. I have enough points left to eat dinner (phew!) as long as I don't go crazy with what I eat. But I love that I can workout and gain more points that way. It's like instant gratification! I have been on the treadmill for 20 minutes so far today (I say "so far" because I don't want myself to think I'm off the hook now for the rest of the day) and earned 2 more points as a result. YAY!

My short term goal is to lose 30 pounds by May. I wanted to do 30 pounds by my birthday (the big 3-0), but I didn't really start with a bang in January. So hopefully I will take advantage of all the tools I have been given (I know what to do and have for a while as far as exercising and eating healthy is concerned, but it's harder for me to put it into practice when I get those chocolate cravings!) and make some progress! Cheer me on! I need all the support I can get!

Photo courtesy of Pavel Losevsky

Busy, busy bees

2010-02-01T10:29:00.000-08:00

Even though I'm not currently employed, I am trying very hard to stay busy. And I don't just mean stalking friends and family on Facebook, but I'm talking about being productive.

A couple weeks ago, I decided to paint two of the upstairs bedrooms. When we first moved into this house, we didn't have much use for four bedrooms, but we thought we might use them anyway while waiting for additions to our family to show up. Since I would soon be working from home, I got the largest non-master bedroom room for my home office. The smallest bedroom was dubbed Joe's office. Both of those rooms are carpet-free and face the front of the house. The fourth bedroom, furthest from our room, carpeted, and right next to the upstairs bathroom, became our guest bedroom.

I have wanted to do a lot of painting and work on this house, but I have learned that with an ever-growing list of house projects to work on and limited finances, it's not always easy to plan for or carry out renovations. When we decided to rent out our carpeted room, we allowed our tenant (my friend from church, Marie) to paint the room however she wanted. We helped her with the painting and removing of the border. And, eventually, Joe replaced the light fixture with a small ceiling fan.

Joe's office was more or less unused space, and he eventually sold his desk and it became the cats' room. While it was nice having a place to store their food, litter boxes, and toys out of our living space, it really wasn't necessary that they have their own room. The did, however get a lot of use out of it when they had fleas and were in quarantine!

Finally, we made painting and renovating the two offices more of a priority. Part of this was motivated by the fact that we no longer have the carpeted room as a guest bedroom and therefore have none. Another part was motivated by the possibility of flooding in a nearby town and a desire to help temporarily house someone if that happens. A third, but not final, motivation was Joe's mom and step-dad deciding to put their house up for sale and move to San Diego. We didn't know if they would need a temporary place to stay while finding jobs in San Diego or not, so we decided we'd offer up a bedroom for their temporary placement if needed. (It turns out that they declined our offer after considering it for a brief period of time, and they are already in San Diego with their house sold.)

So a couple weeks ago, I painted the cats' room (or Joe's old office). One wall is a shade of brown while the other three walls are a tan(ish) color. The following day (Saturday) Joe and I took apart my office desk and desktop and moved them into that room. The following Friday, I painted a wall in my old office a plum color, and the next day, Joe and I painted the other three walls gray. Joe's mom and step-dad have "loaned" us their treadmill, which this past Saturday found a home in the new guest room. We are hoping to purchase a relatively inexpensive futon for that room, give both the rooms new door handles and ceiling fans, and otherwise cozy up the room for future guests.

In addition, Joe sold his beloved Toyota Celica for another sporty car (a Dodge Neon SRT4), upgrading from a 1990 to a 2004 and two doors to four doors. He may try to sell the Neon and purchase a cheap commuter car that he enjoys driving so we can put the money toward paying off debt (like my student loans), but I'm not holding my breath on that happening.

I decided to start another blog here where I can share some organizational tips, preparedness tips, and other such items people might find useful to help them be more frugal. Of course, I'll be chronicling for better or worse some of our DIY household projects such as painting and renovating to help us save money. I am proud to say that we got $20 in rebates from the paint used in our project (BEHR paint and primer combo, purchased at Home Depot) and put $50 toward our purchase on a gift card given to us at Christmas, so not only did we save money by painting ourselves, but we also saved money by waiting to get paint when it would be cheaper and maximizing our gift! :)

Some answers

2010-01-19T17:46:00.001-08:00

I had a follow-up appointment today with the fertility clinic in Tacoma. I was nervous, because I knew the doctor would be reviewing my test results with me. He had my fasting glucose, insulin, and cholesterol levels checked. But I swear I thought somehow the result of the testing might be something like, "Put your head between your legs and kiss your butt goodbye! You're going to die!" Maybe that's because some days I actually *feel* like I could be dying. Trust me, after not having a period for close to four months, when it did happen, the sweet release of death was begged for silently at least once by me.

So, I talked with Joe last night about my concerns and fears and he gave me a blessing of comfort. Then, despite my allergies, I slept okay. It was hard to drag me out of bed for the appointment. I guess that's a result of my getting up whenever my body says, "I don't think I could sleep another SECOND right now. Maybe you could fall back asleep in an hour or two, but I'm pretty good at the moment." I still joke that I must be catching up on all the sleep I missed in college and grad school.

I arrived a little early for the appointment, and I didn't feel too concerned about what the doctor was going to say. It's like my friend Mark reminded me: if I was going to die, it was going to happen whether or not the doctor told me I was going to die. But I guess I was really worried that he'd say something like, "GIVE UP CHOCOLATE OR YOUR BOOBS WILL FALL OFF!" I begged the test results (and my blood) to do whatever voodoo magic they needed to do so that I wouldn't have high cholesterol or diabetes and I could continue inhaling my beloved chocolate as if it might go extinct any second.

The nurse told me the doctor wanted to probe my lady parts to make sure that the progesterone did its job. I disrobed from the waist down, sitting on the oh-so-comfortable exam table while my bum peeked out from under my sweater, just so it would be the first thing the doctor would see upon entering the room, and covered my lap with the flimsy blanket-o'-awkwardness. My doctor came in and sat across from me, watching me prudly squirm under the paper blanket as I attempted to keep it from escaping off my lap onto the floor and exposing my thunder thighs, joke of a shaving job, and gender identifier. He began by telling me that my insulin level was high, as expected, but my cholesterol and blood sugar levels were fine. Phew! He said this confirmed the PCOS diagnosis (although he just calls it PCO, which drives me bananas, but I'll let him slide since he's actually doing something HELPFUL), and then discussed the treatment plan while I sat, naked from the waist down, uncomfortably nodding and overly aware of the circumstances of my state of undress while praying in my head he would finish talking and get on with the show ASAP.

Ten million years later, he had me on my back, my feet quickly in stirrups and my rear perfectly situated like I was a professional gynecologist exam recipient. He chatted as though we were BFFs meeting over lunch as he squeezed some lube into the probe condom before sliding it on the ultrasound probe, and then commenced deep sea diving. He found the buried treasure that is my cervix, measured it, and pronounced the cervix size "acceptable." Just like that, the ultrasound and accompanying awkwardness was over. He instructed me to put some clothes on and meet him at the desk in the hallway where he gave me my prescription for Metformin.

So I start taking it tonight. It is typically given to diabetics to help reduce their blood sugar levels. But for people like me with high insulin levels and regular blood sugar levels, it helps reduce those insulin levels. I was given instructions on how to take it, as well as instructions to contact him if I have gastrointestinal issues while taking it, which may mean trying a different treatment route. I'll be following up with him in a couple months.

So wish me luck as I start this new journey. I sure hope my body cooperates and that this will lead to a pregnancy before I turn into fossil fuel!

I get paid to do this?

2010-01-18T15:33:00.000-08:00

You may remember back in October that I announced I'd gotten a job writing for Examiner.com as the Seattle Infertility & Miscarriage Examiner. Shortly afterward, I decided that topic was too narrow and depressing for me to write several articles on a regular basis about it. Instead, I am now the Tacoma Family Examiner. I am very happy about this change, as it is more in line with my educational background, and it is a much more broad and passionate topic for me.

If you have any questions you would like answered related to the topic of family, feel free to email me at debra.kaitschuck@live.com and I will be happy to respond to them in future columns (I'd like to do a weekly advice column in addition to my articles if the desire is there). Also, if you have any topics you would like covered, I will be happy to oblige.

Here is a link to my latest article: Setting and Achieving Goals as a Family

You can be an Examiner too!

Where's a haz-mat suit when you need one?

2010-01-07T15:46:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling fantastic. After all, my last period had been mid-September, so it's clear my body has been running like a well-oiled machine and all that. My first visit to the fertility clinic in Tacoma led to an ultrasound, where I got to see how my ovaries looked kind of like chocolate chip cookies (my doctor's words, not mine; I would never profane chocolate like that!) and my PCOS diagnosis was confirmed. We chit-chatted like 2 old college buds-- if one of those "buds" was a teacher trying to give a lecture and the other "bud" was an annoying class member whose hand kept shooting up to ask questions, interrupting the flow of the instructor's thoughts. But I got all my questions answered and my doctor formulated a game plan which required some testing before it could be put into action. So hopefully the game plan A or amended game plan B will be shared with me at my next appointment.

He sent me out of the office with a script for progesterone to take for 12 days. He said when I stopped taking it, my body would kind of "reset" itself and I'd finally have a period. So I dutifully took the pills, and now... the floodgates have been opened! Let me tell those of you who have never had the pleasure of experiencing a period after months off just how fun it is! I mean, if you ever wondered what it might feel like for you if someone had made a voodoo doll of you and stabbed it repeatedly in the lady parts with a ginormous sewing needle, just ask me!

So I'm in bed this morning, cursing Eve and womanhood and praying for sweet release by death when Joe comes out of the bathroom. "I think there's a dead bird in our yard," he pronounces, walking over to our bedroom window, peering out the blinds, and then walking back into the bathroom to shower. I don't care. I want to pull his tongue out of his mouth with my teeth for thinking I might even give that a second thought.

But since he said it, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Eventually, I peek outside from between the blinds and think what I see looks like it very well could be a bird. So when I head downstairs to consider having some nourishment with my Aleve cocktail, I open the blinds at the kitchen window and look out again. The view really isn't any better from here, directly below our bedroom, but I tell myself it probably is a bird and vow to stay away.

Being the good wife that I am, I decide to take out the garbage and recycling instead of making Joe take it out in the dark when he gets home tonight or letting it pile up for another day or two before I take it out. And while I'm outside, in the backyard, I can't stop staring at the pile of whatever-it-is about five feet away from the back fence. It does look bird-like, but it's kind of big. My curiosity wins out, so I creep toward the pile, my heart threatening to jump out of my chest as I do so.

I think I'm going to have a heart attack or vomit (not from pain but fright) as I get closer to the pile. It's clear now that it's a bird, but I don't want to get too close. Who knows what might be feeding on it, just out of my sight? My imagination takes over and I fear that maybe some wild animal killed it, left it there as bait, and is somehow in my backyard, lurking I-don't-know-where while waiting for a bigger meal to come along. Utterly freaked out, I hurry back inside.

So, of course, I update my Facebook status to let everyone I've ever known in my life share in my horrific experience. I know I won't touch the thing with my bare hands, with gloved hands, with a shovel, or with a 10-foot pole. Instead, I ask what to do about it. My friend Teri posts, and I am inspired by her posting to do an Internet search: what to do with a dead bird Washington state. A couple clicks later, and I find a phone number to the Washington State Department of Fish & Wildlife. I give them a call, silently praying that they'll rush to my house to dispose of the bird and offering money as a reward for calling them like a good petrified citizen.

Ella answers the phone and asks me some questions like, "What color is it?" and "Do you know the difference between hawks and owls?" and "Do you happen to live by a lake or anything?" I inform her that the wingspan is approximately 3 feet and I can't see the bird's head. She asks if there's any way I can take a picture of it and email it to her so she can identify the bird. I agree and slide my feet back into my flip flops, turn off the alarm, and grab my digital camera. As I open the door to head outside, I hear Marie coming down the stairs. I know she's watching my life-and-death adventure and will tell Joe of my untimely demise if necessary.

I creep up to the bird as close as I dare, practically shaking as I zoom in the camera. I take one shot:

Then I see the talons on this thing, peeking out from its tail feathers. Holy crap they're long! I say a silent prayer that the bird is actually dead and not faking its death so it can attack me and claw my eyes out as I inch around to the other side to get another picture showcasing the Talons of Death. I tell myself that if I look through my camera lens only, I will be safer somehow. I see the size of the talons and claws on my camera's screen and swear my mind must be playing tricks on me. So I bravely lower the camera to get a look at it with my naked eye, and they are even bigger. Holy crap! I decide I'm done with the photo shoot and hurry back into the safety of my house.

Marie tells me she observed me from the kitchen window and laughed at my stealthy and terrified gait. She refuses to go outside to get a closer look at the bird, so I show her the pictures as I upload them onto my computer. I email the pictures to Ella, who thinks the bird appears to be a hawk of some sort but says she can't be sure from its back. She reports that she will call a biologist in the area and have them contact me. I'm still waiting for the call. And if they don't contact me by tomorrow, she says I can dispose of it in the garbage, double bagged. If it gets to that point, Joe has the honors. After all, my body is in enough pain right now without possibly having to add "fight the bird flu" to its list of demands.

Books read in 2009

2010-01-04T11:24:00.000-08:00

If I could look at one thing I enjoyed throughout 2009, it was the free time I had to read. There were a handful of books I started reading but didn't finish (because I was distracted by other more engaging books) and one or two I simply started and quit reading. There were also books I wasn't impressed with and others that pleasantly surprised or entertained me. All in all, I read 60 books. It's not that impressive a number, but it's significantly more than I've read in a year before. Depending on how the job situation works out, I may be close to that this year. Some of the books took longer to read, and some were quite quick reads. I know that I read some books that people may find offensive, but I have thick skin or something, I guess.

Anyway, here are the books I read:

1-7. The Harry Potter series- I had read these books through once before, and I enjoyed reading them. I wasn't a HUGE fan of the Harry Potter movies I'd seen, but seeing the movies I'd seen got me interested in reading the books. After reading the books, I realized just how much was left out of the movies and how intricate the stories are. I think it is quite apparent that J. K. Rowling spent years and years and years outlining the story for the books, and I think she is a brilliant writer. So, when the series was finally available (and in paperback for much cheaper!), I jumped on the opportunity to own the books. The stories get longer and the writing more advanced as the series progresses, which is brilliant. After all, her young readers get hooked early on and develop along with Harry Potter himself. The language does get a bit more "adult" as well, but there aren't more than a spattering of words in the later books that people might deem unnecessary. I talked my husband into reading the first book, and he ended up reading the entire series. He would read a book, then I would re-read it, and we would watch the movie. The movies became a little disappointing after reading the books, but I fell in love with the series all over again.

8-12. Josi Kilpack is an LDS author I discovered in 2009 whose books I can't get through the library now fill my Amazon wish list. Our church book club read Lemon Tart, a somewhat predictable but entertaining culinary mystery with fattening and delicious recipes sprinkled throughout. One of the older women at church then checked out another of Ms. Kilpack's novels from the library and told me all about it, twice. So I checked out her books Unsung Lullaby (which really spoke to me and had me in tears more than once), Surrounded by Strangers, To Have or To Hold, and eventually the sequel to Lemon Tart, English Trifle. There are a few LDS references in some of her books, but I would venture to say that they are suitable for people who are not LDS if they don't mind the occasional references.

13. Pamela Hansen's Running With Angels- This was another book read through the church book club. It spoke to me in various ways and I thoroughly enjoyed it. This author has lived through some tough situations I couldn't even imagine, and I felt as though I was reading something from someone who understands what it's like to be overweight and live through tough challenges. I felt blessed in my own life as I read some of what she has gone through. What a strong woman! Her sequel, Finding the Angel Within, is on my reading list for 2010.

14-28. James Patterson- Most of his stuff is not for the easily offended (he has some young adult novels that are more clean and a few other books that are not offensive). While his books contain some sex and gore and language, they are not what I'd consider pornographic. They are murder mysteries/thrillers. And they are quick reads and enjoyable. I started out with 1st to Die, the first book of his Women's Murder Club series. I loved it so much, I caught up on the series, reading through 8th Confession and looking forward to the next installment. I was so engaged that I wanted to read more of his books. I recently started the Alex Cross series, finishing Along Came a Spider toward the end of the year. I also read his Sundays at Tiffany's about a woman falling in love with her imaginary friend (it was a very unusual story for him), The Beach House (another murder mystery), Against Medical Advice (a true- and interesting and insightful- story about Cory Friedman's fight against Tourette's and OCD), The Quickie (a disappointing murder mystery), and the first two books of his young adult series (apparently the stories are also available as graphic novels, which I may check out in 2010) Maximum Ride.

29-30. Simply Senusal & Lucky Streak by Carly Phillips- I think I've read one or two of her books before, but I couldn't remember whether or not I really liked them. The cover helped sell me on reading Simply Sensual, which was a very predictable romance novel about a PI hired to get information on a woman's granddaughter. And Lucky Streak was and entertaining-enough story about a couple who got married in Vegas the day they met.

31-32. Play Dirty & A Whole New Light by Sandra Brown- In the ridiculous story that is Play Dirty, an ex-con football player was hired to impregnate a multi-millionaire's wife. By the time I realized this was what was going on, I decided to finish the absurd story, but don't waste your time with it, even if you like romance novels and don't mind some sex. The only reason I read two of her books is because I recognized her name but forgot that I'd read Play Dirty when I picked up A Whole New Light from the library. The second book was better than the first, but still unimpressive.

33. The Reckoning by Jeff Long- An old co-worker of mine likes Jeff Long. So I finally decided to read one of his books. It was a little hard to get into, but the story was engaging, if not realistic. The story is of a search for lost soldiers' bodies in Cambodia. I don't know if I'll read more Jeff Long after reading this, but some people might enjoy it.

34. My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor- I bought this book after a recommendation from my older sister. I'm glad I did. This was one of my best reads in 2009. It has proved very insightful and will be read again (and again and again, most likely). I was surprised how much I liked hearing the story of a brain doctor's recovery from a stroke and the lessons she hopes others will learn from her experience. I definitely learned. She's a great teacher. Go buy this book.

35. The Hourglass Door by Lisa Mangum- This was a weird, original young adult novel. I believe it's going to become a several book series. I don't know how much I'll enjoy reading the following books, but I probably will read them anyway. It seems like another author's attempt to become the next J.K. Rowling.

36. Believe by Jennifer Silvera- This book was written to appeal to religious people. The author is not LDS, but you can tell she is spiritual. She spends the book talking about becoming a widow when her police officer husband is killed. I felt saddened for her, but the book wasn't nearly as interesting to me as My Stroke of Insight, Running with Angels or Against Medical Advice.

37. Night by Elie Wiesel- This book is engaging. It is heart-wrenching. I cried. And in 2009, I read it again. It served as a great reminder of my blessings and helped me appreciate them more. I will read it again. It is up there with Man's Search For Meaning as one of my all-time favorite books.

38. The Captain of Hear Heart by Anita Stansfield- I had heard of Anita Stansfield (an LDS romance novel author) before 2009, but I'd never read any of her books. My friend is a huge fan and has a lot of her novels. This is volume one of The Buchanan Saga. I have the other 3 books still to read, but it was easy to put off reading them. While the story was engaging and intriguing enough, I tend to have a difficult time getting into period-pieces. Set in the late 1700's, the love story of Kyrah, a servant girl, and Ritchard, an aristocrat, is fraught with challenges and heartache.

39. The Regulators by Stephen King as Richard Bachman- Man, there is gore in this book. I was so curious and interested in learning what was going to happen that I kept reading despite how bizarre the book is. I guess that's just par-for-course for Stephen King. And the book was based on notes from the late Richard Bachman, so I can understand why Stephen King was chosen to write the book.

40. Foul Play by Janet Evanovich- I enjoyed this romance novel about a dancing chicken who goes missing and the main suspect, Amy, working hard to clear her name.

41-44. Mitch Albom- Another author I'm happy to have discovered in 2009. I have actually had an interest in reading his books for quite some time, but I finally got to read For One More Day, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, Have a Little Faith, and Tuesdays With Morrie. They were all quick reads but captivating, interesting, inspirational, and thought provoking.

45. Certain Girls by Jennifer Weiner- This coming-of-age story illustrates how a Jewish mother and daughter learn more about each other. It was extremely hard for me to get through, and I didn't find it very fascinating or fulfilling. I should've stopped reading it at the first sign of boredom, but I guess I kept hoping it'd get better.

46. The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch- Randy Pausch was a professor at Carnegie Mellon University. He found out he had terminal cancer and spent some of his last days preparing to give his last lecture at the school. You can watch his last lecture on YouTube, but I would recommend reading the book instead (or first). He decided to make his lecture about achieving childhood dreams, and I have been inspired by his attitude when facing a terminal illness (much like I was in Tuesdays With Morrie).

47-48. Jason F. Wright's The Wednesday Letters and Christmas Jars- I was able to purchase both of these books for a great price, and I'm glad I did. These quick reads are inspirational. They have awakened in me a desire to start new traditions in my family to show my husband how much I love him and to share hope through service toward others. I read Christmas Jars over a month before Christmas, and it put and kept me in the Christmas spirit. I LOVED that.

49. Tower of Strength by Annette Lyon- This LDS romance novel is also a period time-piece. As such, I had some difficulty getting through it, but I did enjoy the story of two people falling in love in Manti after the deaths of their spouses.

50. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert- I have to say this was the biggest disappointment of 2009. I wanted to quit reading the book more than once, but I kept on, hoping there was some reason I'd heard rave reviews about it. Still, I found myself uninterested in the author's search for balance and moving on through visiting Italy, India, and Indonesia. Most of the story lacked depth and what I saw was a person I didn't care to know. I just don't get what the appeal is. Perhaps someone could explain it to me.

51. Restless Hearts by Marta Perry- I got this book in the mail for free. It was a clean romance novel that I enjoyed much more than I thought I would. The story is about a midwife named Fiona who moves to an area known as the Crossroads to start her own midwife business and gets to know her Amish family and history. The book was a pleasant surprise and not something I would have ever picked out to read on my own. I'm glad I hung on to it long enough to read without throwing it away or donating it.

52. The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks- This was the first novel I have ever read by Nicholas Sparks. I don't know why I waited so long to read it, because I loved the movie. The book was even better. I will read more Nicholas Sparks books in 2010.

53. The Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks- I decided to go with this book next because I bought it at a cheap price. It wasn't near as good as The Notebook, but I enjoyed it well enough. I just wish the main character's name was easier to pronounce. I kept wanting to pronounce it incorrectly too, because even though Nicholas Sparks included how to correctly pronounce it in the book, another character kept pronouncing it incorrectly. That made the reading more frustrating than I would have liked it to have been.

54. When Parents Love Too Much by Laurie Ashner & Mitch Meyerson- My divorced friend told me I needed to read this book before getting married. She thought it would give me insight into my (now) mother-in-law and possibly even help prevent some problems in our marriage as a result. I bought the book but hadn't read it. I'm glad I finally read it, because I think I may have received some insight to various people who are or were in my life.

55. Good Service is Good Business by Catherine DeVrye- Catherine goes over various concepts of how to provide good service. This is a great book for those who are running their own businesses, but the insights you can gain can be applied to various aspects of your life.

56. Chocolate Snowman Murders by JoAnna Carl- A murder mystery involving chocolate? I was sold right there. The book was a fairly quick, fairly entertaining read.

57. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold- I didn't realize until I had picked up this book from the library that it was being made into a movie. After reading the book, I'm kind of surprised at that. Unless the movie veers from the book a bit, I don't know that it could work as a movie. The story is not just about the murdered Susie Salmon observing those she left behind but also about how the people left behind try to cope with the loss and adjust to the new normal.

58. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte- I felt the book was somewhat predictable, but I liked it anyway. And no, I didn't know the story, although I had heard a few pieces of it.

59. Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcom Gladwell- My brother-in-law read and praised this book, and Joe and I had read two of Malcom Gladwell's other books in 2008, so I gave this one a read. The author used clear and compelling examples to back up his view that a mixture of luck and circumstances often play substantial roles in an individual's success, but I still want to believe that hard work and intellect play larger roles than he would have you think they do. Call me a dreamer, I guess.

60. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins- I was soooo happy to discover this book. It's book 1 of a new series by Suzanne Collins. I bought book 1 and book 2 at the same time, but I haven't had a chance to read book 2 yet, and yet I'm still already super excited for book 3 to come out later this year. This young adult novel is about adolescents fighting to the death (against their will) for some sort of sick entertainment by those in control. It reminded me of a mixture of several different kinds of story lines I've heard before, but it was unique and entertaining. I can't wait to see the movie either! :P

What were some of your favorite reads in 2009? What books did you waste your time on that I shouldn't bother reading, even if they are on the "best seller" list or recommended by Oprah or someone at the local library?

Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T18:05:00.000-08:00

I love celebrating full of hope and anticipation as each new year approaches. I imagine the next year bringing lots of blessings and happiness. But 2009 was certainly, without a doubt, a tough year for me. We had some fun on our cruise and our trip to Arizona for Thanksgiving, and we had a wonderful Christmas (more on that later). However, the year was full of it's share of trials. I don't know whether or not I've grown as a result of the trials I've gone through (and am currently going through), but I sure hope I have. And, frankly, I hope 2010 is a lot nicer to me. I can't hardly wait for the year to begin.

Joe and I are planning on playing games and snacking all night. Last year, I don't think we even made it to 10 pm, so we're hoping we can make it to the big 00:00. I went to the grocery store to grab some snacks, and ended up with a VERY full cart and over $160 lighter wallet (with over $100 of savings). I got home and plugged in the freezer in our garage, throwing a lot of my spoils into the freezer for future use. Just a couple hours ago, I got a 10% off coupon in my email for purchases today through the second, so I'm hoping they'll let me apply it to my purchase today.

I have a long list of resolutions for 2010. I have written them in the journal I take with me to church each week, and I'm hoping that reviewing them more regularly keep them forefront in my mind. I may add more as the year progresses, and some will definitely have an ending date prior to January 1, 2011 or beyond. I'm contemplating starting a side-project blog as part of a resolution idea I'm still throwing around in my head. If I do, I'll be sure to link it here.

I know 2009 wasn't a bad year for everyone, but it does seem like a lot of people I know are glad to see it gone. Whether or not you feel it was good to you, I hope you have a fantastic 2010!

It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Debra Needs Psychotherapy

2009-12-22T21:32:00.000-08:00

While I was growing up, my family had several traditions that they followed throughout the year. One tradition I complained about all the time was going around the neighborhood and singing Christmas carols to people who know me. The horror! And when we were younger, our parents made us bring along the instruments we could barely play to torture us even further.

So I decided I wanted to start some new traditions with Joe that we can torture our kids with every year. Last year, we took a cheesy Christmas photo of us and our kittens, and we decided to make that a yearly tradition. We went out of state for Christmas last year, and I was able to spend some time with some of my bajillion siblings. One of my older sisters said to another sister, "Did you get Debra's Christmas card? I'm worried about her! She's turning into Mom!" My oldest sister laughed, pretty sure the picture was in jest, as she told my other sister her opinion. But although my siblings were hopeful, I think they were a little nervous that the picture might not be a joke.

We went even cheesier this year, thanks in part to some AWESOME finds at the after-Christmas sale at Target. And yet I have found myself checking in with people I have sent the photo to, just to make sure they know we weren't serious.

Merry Christmas!

From the Crazy Cat Lady

The Christmas Letter conundrum

2009-12-15T12:02:00.000-08:00

After barely surviving yesterday mentally and emotionally, I am faced with the task of writing our Christmas letter. However, I'm finding this task to be especially hard this year. In fact, I think I may have to review my blog and journal entries looking for positive things to write, because other than the cruise in June and visiting my parents for Thanksgiving, there wasn't much I remember about 2009 that I liked. Man, I can't wait until I can say goodbye to this year!

Do you think it is okay if I mention some less-than-positive things that happened this year? I think I'm going to leave my miscarriage out of the letter, but I am leaning toward writing about losing my job and the cats getting fleas.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

2009-12-07T12:28:00.000-08:00

Ever since I have been married, I have regained enthusiasm, and even love, for the end of the year holidays. I get excited about Thanksgiving and find myself reflecting on all the things I'm grateful for and all I've been blessed with in my life. Then I indulge in some of my favorite foods (and I haven't been stuffing myself the past few years, so that's good).

This year, we went to Arizona for Thanksgiving, spending it with most of my family. We arrived on Thanksgiving day, stayed in a hotel by my parents' house for 3 of the 4 nights of our trip, and flew home early Monday morning. Friday morning, Joe and I had a room service breakfast (we had $150 credit to spend at the hotel). Then Joe dropped me off at my parents and drove to Mesa where he Joe went out to lunch with his friend Jacob, Jacob's wife Becky, and their newborn baby. The adult girls and two oldest nieces went out to lunch at Carlos O'Brien's and then shopping at the mall. Later that night, Joe and I went with my sister Lisa and her husband Tom to Chili's for dinner and then saw The Invention of Lying at the cheaper theaters. Saturday, we had breakfast at Sonic and then drove around a while before meeting my friend Erin, Jacob, Becky, and their baby for lunch at Oregano's. Afterward, we took a nap at the hotel before heading to my parents' house to figure out what the plan was for that night. The adults went to dinner at PF Chang's and then Joe and I headed back to our hotel room (after trying unsuccessfully to reach my old friend Kelli to meet up).

On Sunday, we headed to church and then hung out at my parents' house before going back to the church building for the baby blessings of my two newest nieces, Sarah and Kate. There were sandwiches and plenty of goodies to eat while we chatted with some extended family before heading home. So, it felt like a lot of the trip was centered around family and food, and that was quite alright with me.

Right after Thanksgiving is over, I'm more comfortable with the Christmas music playing everywhere, and I find myself choosing to listen to it and enjoying it immensely. When we got home on Monday, I popped in some of my own Christmas CDs and we start decorating. Now that I've experienced having a real tree, I'm okay with going back to a fake tree. This year, I also had some unopened decorations that I purchased after Christmas last year to enjoy. We even had a brand new, pre-lit slim tree (but I must admit that I'm disappointed by it).

Joe put some hooks up around the house previously, so he put lights up with ease this year. He even put some hooks up on the second story this year to hang lights from. And we now have a large star on the side of our house and a wreath on our front door. I picked up a few additional decorations and extension cords at Target and have been slowly finishing up the decorating (figuring out where to put what). I'm definitely in the holiday mood!

I still have some Christmas goodies I'd like to bake. And I have been enjoying watching Christmas movies (many made for TV on the Hallmark channel) and shopping for Joe. I told Joe I wanted to have a couple gifts to unwrap this year, as last year we just opened boxes from Amazon as they arrived, and it wasn't the same. So he wrapped a few gifts for me and put them under the tree, where they sat for less than a week. On Friday night when he got home from work, he insisted I open one gift and then gave me the option of opening a second gift. The first gift I opened was a wii workout game, so I figured I might as well open the other gift (figuring it was the wii itself). Joe purchased it used from a friend for a good price and set it up.

We had a busy day Saturday, without any real opportunities to try the game out. So this morning, Joe turned it on and tried out the game. He seemed to be enjoying himself, and I was amused at his "explanation" that he was trying to get me motivated/interested in playing the game by demonstrating it for me. Ha ha ha

A Yummy Recipe

2009-11-12T10:00:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure where it originated from, but my mom has been making this for Thanksgiving in the more recent past, and I love it. This is saying a lot, since I'm not a big yams fan and such a picky eater.

Texas Candied Yams and Apples

3 large apples
1 stick margarine
2 large cans yams (drained)
3 Tbls. cornstarch
1 c. sugar
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1 1/2 c. water
1 tsp. salt
Miniature marshmallows (opt.)

Peel and cut apples in wedges and place apples & cut up yams in a 9 x 13
inch casserole dish. Mix cinnamon, sugar, cornstarch and salt in
saucepan and add water and butter. Boil together until dissolved and
pour over yams and apples. Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour. If desired,
put marshmallows on top and return to over for 5 minutes. Serves 8.

If you don't have something nice to say...

2009-11-09T10:37:00.001-08:00

I know it's been a while since I've written, but I feel that I have a reasonable explanation for it. Someone said I always complain. I knew he wasn't correct, but it sure got me thinking. And so I decided to make a conscious effort not to complain so much. When there isn't a whole lot positive to write about, I've chosen not to write.

However, writing itself is very therapeutic to me. I've been writing more these days in my personal journal than I have on my blog. But I don't get the understanding, empathy, feedback, etc from private entries.

So, I've decided to write something in hopes that someone might be able to help me. And even if not, it's nice to get it out, put it out there, and hopefully be able to move on to my NaNoWriMo writing which has fallen quite behind.

I feel so left out and lonely. I'm a member of a church that puts quite an emphasis on family, which I think is great. I love my siblings, and my heart breaks when I hear of siblings not getting along. I'm quite an emotional person and have always been. I get overcome with emotion and cry, but not always because I'm sad. I heard some children singing at church a couple weeks ago, and my heart was full of God's love for them, and I cried like a baby.

I have a large family and large extended family, both by birth and by marriage. Plus, I feel like I also have a church family. But I don't feel like I fit in there. Sometimes, I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. The desire of my heart is to have a child. I cry about it and pray for it so strongly. I think I see something that is a sign of pregnancy and tell myself not to get my hopes up, because my heart will just break. But I can't help it. Sometimes I feel like I will never be complete until I am a mother. And, to be perfectly honest, it hurts to hear people gushing about their kids, pregnancies, etc. I am happy for them and want to be, but it also serves as painful reminders that I am not there myself. I wonder if I will ever be.

I have told Joe that if I'm not pregnant by the time I'm 30, I would see a fertility specialist and possibly start the adoption process. But I have decided not to wait until then, and I'm working up the nerve to see a fertility specialist now. And I'm terrified about it. It just doesn't seem fair to me that pregnancy seems to come so easy at times to people who may not even want it, when there are people out here like me who would LOVE to have children.

So I have tried to find ways to distract myself from my sadness and pain. I have been reading and watching TV and writing and sleeping and (of course) looking for a job. But they only work for short periods of time before I'm feeling restless, hopeless, frustrated, and/or alone again. Sometimes it's hard to be positive or look on the bright side of things.

Photo courtesy of David Smith

I'm an Examiner!

2009-10-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm an official author now. I know I have a long way to go, but I got hired by Examiner.com to be the Seattle Infertility & Miscarriage Examiner. You can check out my page here and leave a comment if you feel so inclined. I've got my first article published, and I'm going to try to write 3-4 a week. I get paid based on how many people read my articles and things like that, so there isn't any guaranteed salary. We'll see how it goes and how I like it. In the meantime, I'm still looking for a part-time or full-time job and excited about NaNoWriMo.