If you don't have something nice to say...

I know it's been a while since I've written, but I feel that I have a reasonable explanation for it. Someone said I always complain. I knew he wasn't correct, but it sure got me thinking. And so I decided to make a conscious effort not to complain so much. When there isn't a whole lot positive to write about, I've chosen not to write.

However, writing itself is very therapeutic to me. I've been writing more these days in my personal journal than I have on my blog. But I don't get the understanding, empathy, feedback, etc from private entries.

So, I've decided to write something in hopes that someone might be able to help me. And even if not, it's nice to get it out, put it out there, and hopefully be able to move on to my NaNoWriMo writing which has fallen quite behind.

I feel so left out and lonely. I'm a member of a church that puts quite an emphasis on family, which I think is great. I love my siblings, and my heart breaks when I hear of siblings not getting along. I'm quite an emotional person and have always been. I get overcome with emotion and cry, but not always because I'm sad. I heard some children singing at church a couple weeks ago, and my heart was full of God's love for them, and I cried like a baby.

I have a large family and large extended family, both by birth and by marriage. Plus, I feel like I also have a church family. But I don't feel like I fit in there. Sometimes, I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. The desire of my heart is to have a child. I cry about it and pray for it so strongly. I think I see something that is a sign of pregnancy and tell myself not to get my hopes up, because my heart will just break. But I can't help it. Sometimes I feel like I will never be complete until I am a mother. And, to be perfectly honest, it hurts to hear people gushing about their kids, pregnancies, etc. I am happy for them and want to be, but it also serves as painful reminders that I am not there myself. I wonder if I will ever be.

I have told Joe that if I'm not pregnant by the time I'm 30, I would see a fertility specialist and possibly start the adoption process. But I have decided not to wait until then, and I'm working up the nerve to see a fertility specialist now. And I'm terrified about it. It just doesn't seem fair to me that pregnancy seems to come so easy at times to people who may not even want it, when there are people out here like me who would LOVE to have children.

So I have tried to find ways to distract myself from my sadness and pain. I have been reading and watching TV and writing and sleeping and (of course) looking for a job. But they only work for short periods of time before I'm feeling restless, hopeless, frustrated, and/or alone again. Sometimes it's hard to be positive or look on the bright side of things.

Photo courtesy of David Smith

I'm an Examiner!

I feel like I'm an official author now. I know I have a long way to go, but I got hired by Examiner.com to be the Seattle Infertility & Miscarriage Examiner. You can check out my page here and leave a comment if you feel so inclined. I've got my first article published, and I'm going to try to write 3-4 a week. I get paid based on how many people read my articles and things like that, so there isn't any guaranteed salary. We'll see how it goes and how I like it. In the meantime, I'm still looking for a part-time or full-time job and excited about NaNoWriMo.

Writing and Facebook and More

I think I'm done with Facebook. However, despite the reasons I want to quit, I kind of feel bad doing so, so maybe I will go back to it. I have a while before they permanently delete my profile (and all I have to do to cancel that request is log in), so I'm doing a lot of internal debate about whether or not I should give it another go. I was *thisclose* to deleting my account a while back, but I think I want to more now.

While at the writers retreat earlier this month, I received some inspiration. After a long day, I returned with my roommates back to our cabin and fell asleep quickly with my headphones in and iPod playing. I woke up not too long after to lots of loud laughter that the music could not drown out. I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep, but I couldn't, and my curiosity got the best of me. So I eventually got up and learned that a lizard and then a mouse had scampered across the floor of our cabin, alarming some of my roommates (and I don't blame them-- I would've been freaked out if I'd have seen it and probably would've been freaked out anyway if I wasn't so tired). But they were starting to calm down about the time that I decided to get up, so they headed to bed and I tried to go back to sleep myself. But as I stared into the darkness, sleep eluded me. Then ideas started running through my mind. I grabbed my notebook and started writing them down- first in the dark and soon by the light of my cell phone because the ideas wouldn't stop coming.

I felt great and was able to fall asleep after I got all the ideas on paper. This lead to me deciding that I should participate in National Novel Writing Month again this year. However, because I am writing about myself and not fiction, I'm not quite following the rules (which classifies me as a rebel but won't get me kicked out or anything). I'm really excited.

And in other news, I got an email from my ex-best friend. We haven't talked since before I was married and before she was married (I don't remember exactly when the last time was). I'm not one to carry a grudge, and I've found myself often wondering how she's doing. I haven't called her (she included her phone number with the email), but I did send her a short email back and haven't heard from her. Why did she contact me? She didn't really say in the email. So I'm wondering if it's something she wants to talk about only over the phone.