Monday, November 9, 2009

If you don't have something nice to say...

I know it's been a while since I've written, but I feel that I have a reasonable explanation for it. Someone said I always complain. I knew he wasn't correct, but it sure got me thinking. And so I decided to make a conscious effort not to complain so much. When there isn't a whole lot positive to write about, I've chosen not to write.

However, writing itself is very therapeutic to me. I've been writing more these days in my personal journal than I have on my blog. But I don't get the understanding, empathy, feedback, etc from private entries.

So, I've decided to write something in hopes that someone might be able to help me. And even if not, it's nice to get it out, put it out there, and hopefully be able to move on to my NaNoWriMo writing which has fallen quite behind.

I feel so left out and lonely. I'm a member of a church that puts quite an emphasis on family, which I think is great. I love my siblings, and my heart breaks when I hear of siblings not getting along. I'm quite an emotional person and have always been. I get overcome with emotion and cry, but not always because I'm sad. I heard some children singing at church a couple weeks ago, and my heart was full of God's love for them, and I cried like a baby.

I have a large family and large extended family, both by birth and by marriage. Plus, I feel like I also have a church family. But I don't feel like I fit in there. Sometimes, I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. The desire of my heart is to have a child. I cry about it and pray for it so strongly. I think I see something that is a sign of pregnancy and tell myself not to get my hopes up, because my heart will just break. But I can't help it. Sometimes I feel like I will never be complete until I am a mother. And, to be perfectly honest, it hurts to hear people gushing about their kids, pregnancies, etc. I am happy for them and want to be, but it also serves as painful reminders that I am not there myself. I wonder if I will ever be.

I have told Joe that if I'm not pregnant by the time I'm 30, I would see a fertility specialist and possibly start the adoption process. But I have decided not to wait until then, and I'm working up the nerve to see a fertility specialist now. And I'm terrified about it. It just doesn't seem fair to me that pregnancy seems to come so easy at times to people who may not even want it, when there are people out here like me who would LOVE to have children.
So I have tried to find ways to distract myself from my sadness and pain. I have been reading and watching TV and writing and sleeping and (of course) looking for a job. But they only work for short periods of time before I'm feeling restless, hopeless, frustrated, and/or alone again. Sometimes it's hard to be positive or look on the bright side of things.
Photo courtesy of David Smith


9 comments:

The Goodmans said...

i definitely can understand what you are feeling. i would so love to be a mother, too, and sometimes it is an overwhelmingly sad feeling. sometimes, i try to help people at church with their children, and sometimes that helps me fill the void inside that comes from the happiness and innocence of a child, but at other times, it just makes me even more sad. hang in there. try not to get so down on yourself. remember all of the kids you used to babysit? remember all the times you were there for me and your other siblings? those were also times when your great motherly qualities came through. i know that you have had an impact in helping young people's lives, and that is often the goal of parents, so i guess, in a sense, you have been a parent even if you have not physically carried any child yet. i love you!

Travers Family said...

I have a hard time calling people when I am feeling "poopy"....which unfortunately is too often. Anyways, my point is call me! I'd love to hang to keep my mind off of life. Derreck and I had to go to a specialist....It's hard but sometimes necessary. Talk to you soon! Love ya!

Travers Family said...

I re-read what I wrote after publishing it and it sounds stupid. What I wanted to say was I'm here if you need me. We should get together more and I'm sorry that I'm not an instigator but by now, you know me. Loves!

Jahn said...

I wish I knew what to tell you. I think that sometimes all that most of us can do is just "be there". I have a very keen awareness of what it is you're feeling, as I'm a bit past my "sell by" date.

One of the reasons we have this organization we call "the Church" is so that we can carry each other's burdens. Technology has made that a bit easier, in that we can reach out faster and farther.

Elizabeth Larson said...

Debra,
First of all, anyone who thinks you complain should just stop reading your blog...Dont feel bad about it! You have every right to speak your mind on your blog!
Anyhow, moving on...I am so sorry to hear about your heartbreak through your desire to be a mother. I have several close friends here who have tried for many years to get pregnant with no luck...some ended up getting pregnant eventually, some ended up adopting. Either way, I know the Lord has a plan for you...I know its just so hard until you know what that is. I also know it must be so hard with such a strong desire to be a mom, but not being fullfilled yet. I know your time will come! I am just so sorry its been so hard thus far. It will all work out...You are in my prayers!

Debra said...

Thanks, Liz. It actually wasn't said about my blog, but I know what you mean.

And thanks everyone for the uplifting words.

The Leithead Family said...

Debra,

I have no idea what what if feels like to be in your situation, but I will gladly listen to your complaints and hear your frustrations.

I have a lot of friends who have dealt/are dealing with infertility & related issues. Many of them have found relief in joining support groups for people dealing with infertility. I have some contacts if you're interested.

Erin.

Amber said...

Hang in there sweetie, I'm praying for you. Try and take comfort in the fact that we are on the Lord's timetable and not our own. I wanted to share a blog with you...

http://greenmandm.blogspot.com/

It's a friend of a friend who is LDS and works at UOP and is also struggling with infertility. I believe they are starting the adoption process. Anyway, I just wanted to share because I figured it'd help to read about someone else who is struggling with the same issue.

You are going to be a wonderful mother someday Debra, whether that is through having your own children or becoming a mother through adoption. I love you!!

The K Family said...

I think I have known about your pregnancy struggles through some other post of yours possibly. You both should definitely see a fertility specialist. I have several other friends going through the same issues and saw a fertility specialist. They were able to find out why they weren't able to get pregnant and were either placed on various medications or were given other options. I think it's worth a shot.

I know that one of these days you are going to be an amazing mother. Give it time and don't be in such a hurry to to do before that 30 year mark. It really doesn't matter.