An explanation

So I mentioned the job didn't work out, but I didn't go into it too much. I figured I have some time right now, so I might as well. But first, a little background...

I have a bachelor's degree in psychology and a master's degree in counseling. I have a little over 2 years experience working with seriously mentally ill adults. (I received that experience after receiving my bachelor's degree. I decided I wanted to do a little more than what my job description entailed, so I ended up going back to school for my master's degree.)

I was what was called a case manager. And after a year doing that, I got a "promotion" to a team where I'd work with acutely ill clients who needed more attention, so I had a smaller case load. I also had to be on call, and my job title was changed to mental health worker.

After receiving my counseling degree, I ended up moving from Arizona to Washington. The mental health field has been difficult for me to get into up here. Most jobs that require a master's degree are looking for one in social work (and although I have applied for some of those jobs, I haven't been interviewed for even one of them), or they also want you to be licensed (which you have to have post-master's experience to get). So I have been looking into jobs that don't necessarily require a master's degree. I'm "over-qualified" for some of these jobs, but I need to get my foot in the door. Some of them require certification as a Mental Health Professional (MHP). In order to get that certification (which doesn't exist in Arizona, by the way), you have to have 2 years experience working in mental health (got that) under someone who is a MHP (don't have that, because the certification doesn't exist in Arizona).

So when I was told about an administrative job (clearly not my ideal or anywhere near it, but I'm desperate!) with a company that provides mental health services, I looked into other jobs with that company on their website before the interview. Unfortunately, I didn't find any I would be qualified for. So I went to the interview for the administrative job anyway. And while there, they saw my experience and education and suggested I apply for a job title very similar to Mental Health Professional and told me that working in the job would help me get the MHP certification (at least a step in the right direction to finally open some doors after living here 3 1/2 years). I told them I either didn't see it on the website or realized I wasn't fully qualified for it. But the man interviewing me insisted I was qualified and suggested I apply. So I told him I would when I got home.

Looking at the qualifications for that position, I definitely didn't feel qualified. But I took their word for it and applied anyway. And they hired me. Why didn't I feel qualified? Well, they wanted someone with knowledge of basic nursing skills, including nursing interventions. And they said certification as a CNA or its equivalent was acceptable to indicate the nursing skills knowledge.

So when I showed up for my first day of on-the-job orientation, I wasn't feeling very confident about the job. And within the first 10 minutes, I knew I was not in the right place. The position is basically an orderly position. I finally got my hands on a position description and understood why the nursing skills part was important. In the job description there are lots of things I'm comfortable with or even would be okay with (although not ideal). However, the "collects stool, urine and other specimens, as requested, on assigned clients" was a HUGE red flag for me. Yeah. There's a reason I didn't go into nursing. And there was also the "assists clients with hygienic care" part I wasn't comfortable with. I'd been told that first day something about wiping adults' butts when they refused to after they used the facilities. I honestly don't think I could handle that. I also was offered a series of the Hep B vaccine, with a warning that I might be exposed to various diseases through contact with bodily fluids, etc (I'd been told people might fling bodily fluids at me). There's even a note on the job description that indicates I'd be working with bio-hazards such as blood borne pathogens, sewage, hospital waste, etc. Woah. SO out of my league.

I admire people who can do that sort of thing, but I know I'm not one of them. Besides, while the pay was decent, I don't think I should have to go to work and suffer doing things that make me want to vomit or otherwise repulse me (or even make me extremely uncomfortable) just for the sake of having a job.
Administrative work is sounding mighty appealing if this is the only kind of mental health job I can get.

Yeah... not so much

Well, the job was a bust. Today was my first day of on-the-floor orientation, and within 10 minutes, I realized I was in the completely wrong place. There's a reason I didn't go into nursing... so why the heck would I work a job that really belongs to someone interested in nursing or nursing type things? I didn't make it through the end of the day today. Oh well!

My Job

Yesterday I had a pre-employment physical. The physical itself seemed quite simple and even a bit silly. But with the paperwork I filled out before the appointment, I started to become really worried that I might not "pass" the physical. Joe tells me I shouldn't worry, and I'm trying not to. Unless I hear something to the contrary today or tomorrow, I'll be going in on Monday for my orientation. And then I'll be scheduled for my 3 day orientation on the floor. I'm hoping I can get time off to spend with my parents while they're in town and so I can still attend two of my cousins' weddings. And I also have some appointments scheduled in July. But the nurse who hired me made it sound like it wouldn't be difficult to get time off, so I'm glad to hear it. I guess now I just wait for Monday!

I accepted

So it's official. I have a job. And just today I had a really good second interview for another job. But it's only a part-time job, it's in Bellevue, and it pays about $4-5 an hour less. I have to have a physical and TB tests, and then I'll be scheduled for orientation and whatnot. Man, it'll be tough working opposite hours as my super-busy husband, but it's necessary. Hopefully I'll be able to switch shifts before too long.

A weird job offer

I was offered a temporary job at the same place I worked a while ago, doing basically the same thing. At first they wanted an answer by the 18th, but then they emailed back and said they wanted an answer by today. The job isn't until August, so I was a little ambivalent about accepting or declining. But I figured I might as well accept it, and if I got a permanent job offer between now and then, I could always tell them I was no longer available for the job (even though I hate to do that).

And sure enough, I got a call the day after I accepted the temporary job from a company I interviewed with a couple weeks ago. They wanted me to come back for a second interview. It's kind of a long story, but when I went in for the first interview, it was through a staffing agency for an administrative job. But I ended up applying for a non-administrative job with the company as well, and they seemed like they'd be more interested in me for the non-administrative job.

So when I arrived yesterday for my interview, I went to the office of the person who had done my first interview, as I was told by the staffing agency that I'd be interviewing with him and another woman. But he said he was on a conference call and directed me to the main entrance for visitors so I could meet with the other woman. She greeted me and walked me to a conference room. But then she started talking to me about the non-administrative job. I tried to stop her and tell her I was told this interview was a second interview for the administrative job, but she was insistent. She offered me the non-administrative job.

And then I had to go home and call the staffing agency to tell them how the interview went. I wanted to be honest, so I told them about how I'd applied for the other job (which they were NOT happy about) and I was interviewed for and offered that job and had told the company I was interested. Anyway, the woman from the staffing agency ended up calling the man who I interviewed with and confirmed that the interview was indeed supposed to be a second interview for the administrative position. So right now I'm not sure if I still have that job offer, but I'm supposed to go back in on Monday and meet with the woman again for a second interview for the administrative job, which seems ridiculous to me. But I can see how they want to keep the staffing agency happy, so maybe it's just a formality. I'd love to just talk to the woman I interviewed with yesterday (or even the man), but I don't know that they're supposed to talk to me. So I'm thinking that maybe I should call the staffing agency and tell them the second interview is pointless or something. I don't know. Ugh.

Financial challenges

My husband and I are getting a bit creative with our finances. We had a pretty good budgeting system in place, but then we lost a HUGE chunk of our income last month. With some divine intervention, I was able to find a temporary job that helped fill in that gap just a little bit. And this month, the challenge has again presented itself. We are so grateful despite these challenges we're facing that we're able to keep things like home phone and Internet service and our Netflix subscription. But there are definitely sacrifices we've both had to make so that we are still living within our means.

One of the sacrifices we are making is our vacations. We've never been the kind of people to regularly take trips or even be extravagant when we do take trips. We bargain shop and plan ahead for flights, hotels (the couple times we've stayed in one versus staying with family), entertainment, etc. But it's a luxury we're not going to be able to afford. This really bums me out, because I have a cousin I was pretty close to before moving away getting married. And I can't make the trip to see her at this milestone in her life. I also have many other cousins I don't know very well at all because of age differences and physical distances between us, and I'm missing an opportunity to get to spend some time with them because I just can't afford the trip. Plus it's looking like we won't even be able to travel for Thanksgiving or Christmas, even if we started saving for it now.

Instead, we have looked at some of our priorities. One of those has been to find out if we can have kids or should start the adoption process. This has meant spending well over what it would've cost us for two plane tickets to see family over the course of the last two months alone for tests. And we still have tests to come. In fact, I honestly don't think we're any closer to having an answer, but that doesn't mean I've lost hope. In fact, I have a lot of hope right now, and I think that will carry me through for a while at least.

I am so grateful for the tools that are all around us and the support we receive that tell us that financial decisions we are making and sacrifices we are making are what we are supposed to be doing at this point in time. We really have been blessed with so much, and during challenging times I have found that I am reminded just how much I have been blessed.

Rearranging

My husband thinks it's amusing, but I enjoy rearranging furniture. Unfortunately for me, there's only so many ways my creativity sees that I can rearrange furniture. In some rooms, it seems like the task would be impossible. For example, our family room only has three walls, and the large windows on two walls prove obstacles. I wouldn't want to cover up one or more of the windows with an entertainment center, so there's really only one wall that can go on. Then with the couch and love seat size, there really aren't exactly options as to where those can be placed.

So I find my living room both nice because I can rearrange the furniture and yet challenging at the same time. I believe the arrangement we have in there right now is the fourth we've had since living in this house. But I begged my husband to "humor me" and help me rearrange the seating configurations the other day, despite his insistence that it just wouldn't look right. I don't love how it turned out, but I like it. And with some of the challenges our living room presents, each arrangement seems okay but a little off. This arrangement is fresh and new. It's almost like going somewhere I haven't been before. So I find myself more interested in grabbing a book and sitting in there now than I was when the old arrangement became a little bit stale.

But rearranging the living room (or any other rooms for that matter) isn't the only rearranging I've done. Honestly, since I started getting serious about my weight loss, I've noticed my thoughts and actions starting to rearrange themselves a bit. My habits are being altered as a result--and in positive ways. Sure, I have quite a long way to go before I'm where I want to be. Shoot, I even have a long way to go before I'm anywhere NEAR where I want to be. But instead of letting that frustrate me and keep me from acting, my rearranged thoughts have rearranged my attitudes and actions.

I have definitely made some positive progress in bettering myself, which is something I think I will be working on my entire life. But now I don't hate myself. I'm actually kind of starting to like the person I see inside and out. She's not as weak as I once believed. She's not as pathetic as I once believed. She's not a pushover. She's not worthless.

What can you rearrange in your environment to change things up a bit (or a lot) for the better?

Canning Party

I'm hosting a canning party next week. I'm excited about it, despite the fact that many people I've invited can't come or didn't RSVP (which I'm taking to mean that they're not coming). It's too bad that more people can't make it because I received party favors to give away to 15 people... more stuff for me, I guess.

I also now have canning equipment. I'm super excited about that. I know nothing about canning (but, luckily, some people who are coming do know a thing or two about it), but we're trying out a couple recipes that sound yummy and learning a new skill that I have wanted to learn for some time. Seriously, my family room is a mess right now with all the stuff I got spread everywhere. It's like Christmas!

If you haven't RSVP'd for it, please let me know if you're planning on coming or not. PLEASE. If I didn't invite you but you would like to come, let me know and I'll send an invite to you. I tried to garner interest on Facebook before closing my account, but at least one or two people who said they wanted to come ended up RSVPing no. Let me know. You get free goodies and a couple hours away from home!

Dealing with Infertility

I know there are people out there who think I am just being too over-sensitive about my fertility challenges. I have been told several times to just "relax" and then I'll get pregnant, or other such unhelpful and hurtful things. Is it easy to forget about a broken foot and just keep walking on it, thinking that if you don't focus on it, it'll go away? I know this is a struggle I must work through, and I am working through it, with the help of my doctor, my husband, and my Savior.

So when I read this article today, I was reminded that while I am vocal about my struggle, there are people out there who are struggling silently. There are probably people I know who are struggling with the same sorts of issues. I know I wouldn't be able to do much to help them through their challenges except to say that I'm going through it right now myself. I know people who have overcome fertility issues, but I know it is through VARIOUS different methods based on differing circumstances and needs and abilities that those issues are overcome.

I'm still in the stage where I don't know if I can have a child. The miscarriage I had a year ago gives me some hope, but I'm still looking for answers. All I want from others is non-judgment and maybe a little sympathy or understanding. It is SO hard for me to be around a group of my mom-friends to hear them go on and on about their children. It isn't like I don't expect friends with kids to talk about their kids or bring their kids around me. But those conversations don't include me. And they act as a reminder that I'm not a mom yet. So when it's complaints about kids misbehaving all the time as though a woman wishes she didn't have kids, it is especially tough for me to hear.

How to talk to someone trying to lose weight

Read the MSN article about things you shouldn't say to someone losing weight and things you should say instead. Luckily, I don't have to deal with most of these things on a regular basis, but as someone who is losing weight, I have to say I agree with them. I've found myself wishing several times that I could do things with friends not revolving around food (we do sometimes, but not nearly enough). I also feel that well-meaning family or friends are kind of insulting with some comments. What are your thoughts about the different points made in this article?

Bye, bye Facebook!

I deleted both of my Facebook accounts earlier this week. I had a good friend ask me why today. There were lots of reasons behind it. I was sick of having to reset my privacy settings every time they made a change. I was sick of sending messages and leaving comments on people's walls, trying to communicate with them, and having them ignore me. I was sick of feeling like I "should" friend certain people who don't even really talk to me in person. And I was sick of feeling left out when I kept reading about all the fun things people did with others that I wasn't invited to or was otherwise left out from. Well, this kind of over-simplifies my feelings.

I've always been a very sensitive and emotional person, and I know I sometimes overreact. I know that my overactive imagination doesn't help matters. I realized I wasn't happy with Facebook or on Facebook, and I didn't like the amount of time I spent on there looking for some kind of human connection. I guess I have gotten so used to the online human connections I've made over the years and have felt really close to many of my online friends, but I find that a lot of the online communication I have with my local friends and my family actually makes me feel more more distant from them unless it's used as a way to plan in-person events (which it sometimes was, but not always). Instead of having personal phone calls or email exchanges, it's like we all expect people to read about our lives on Facebook and/or blogs and think that is doing our duty as friends or family. It's sad, because it really takes away from the personalization and human connection that I really desire. So, I know that I'm going to reach out more to people in my life, and if they really want to be part of my life, they'll accept it when I reach out and do some reaching out as well.

A terrorist attack

I came home on Thursday and sat on the couch, so grateful I'd managed to get through the day at work. And then I heard tapping. It didn't go away, and I soon realized we had a woodpecker pecking at our house. I walked outside and it flew away. But after I came back inside and sat down again, the courageous woodpecker flew back and started rapping on the house. So after chasing it off again, I opened the blinds in our room, hoping it would see my cats moving around and stay away. Alas, it didn't. Increasingly frustrated, I chased it off a third time, opened the windows, and flipped on the TV, hoping that as long as there was sound on, it would stay away. So I parked myself in front of the TV for the rest of the night, which wasn't what I really wanted to do. But the woodpecker didn't come back


When I was talking to my husband about it, he said he had heard it in the morning before he went to work. So I figure it was basically on the house all day, pecking away. And it definitely left its mark! There are 3 holes on one piece of wood, and it even chipped the paint off a section about 18 inches long!

As I was getting ready for work yesterday, I heard it again. I knew I didn't want to call in to work and spend the day on the couch (tempting as that idea sounded), but I didn't want to come home to any more damage to the side of our house than there already was. So I opened a window and turned on the radio, very grateful we have an alarm I could set so I had some peace of mind. We haven't heard it since. I hope it found a new place to peck!

Convection ovens

I finally got a convection oven in the not-too-distant-past. Joe really just wanted a toaster, but I've wanted one of these bad boys for quite a while. So when we went shopping for a new toaster, I pointed out various convection ovens and we got one of them instead, for pretty close to the same price.

So far, I'm really enjoying it. We've used it to bake breakfast foods twice and just a handful of cookies (from a tub of cookie dough we got recently) multiple times. We're still getting used to it, but we love how quickly it preheats. And it cooks things faster too, which is nice.

I'm still finding that I'm having difficulty figuring out how to adjust the temperatures (if at all) and the recommended cooking/baking time on products, as well as trying to figure out which position to have the rack in. I haven't started doing searches for pages or blogs where people talk about their love for their convection ovens, but I'm just about there.

Instead, I thought I'd ask if any of you have ever used one and if you have any expertise to share with me. So, can anyone reading this help me out?

Looking on the bright side of things

"No change," the nurse informed me after jabbing at my girly parts with the ultrasound wand. Those two words weren't near as crushing as they were on Wednesday when I heard them at the second ultrasound of the week. Why? Because I figured if I hadn't ovulated or even shown any signs of pending ovulation by Wednesday (which was day 14 of my cycle), chances were that there would be nothing to see today either.

And I decided to look at what this means in a more positive light (I'm trying VERY hard here, okay?) instead of feeling down.

1. The later in the year I have a baby, the greater the tax benefit. I have heard the best time to have a baby is around the end of the year, because you get the same tax deduction whether you give birth on January 1st or December 31st.

2. I have more time to focus on jamming through my medical transcription program without having to worry about morning sickness or the like getting in the way.

3. I have more time to work on getting healthier before getting pregnant. Every pound I lose now will make it easier when I do get pregnant. This is the most important benefit to me.

4. I have more time to find a job, which is SUPER stressful. I understand being pregnant is stressful for your body. Really, anything that is stressful can take its toll on your body. So if I find a job and don't have to worry about that stress piled on top of the physical stress of carrying a baby, I'll be better off.

5. If I get a job, I may also get some better benefits than I have right now. I'm on my husband's health insurance (glad I have SOMETHING!), and it's not very good. I know he said it's changing sometime in the near future (hopefully to something better!), but maybe I could even get something like maternity leave with a job of my own!

6. I have a little longer to enjoy my husband and plan vacations without having to worry about a baby taking up our time and energy and making it difficult (or possibly impossible) to go on vacations.

7. I have more family members and friends realizing what a struggle this has been for us, so they can celebrate with us when we are able to finally conceive (or, if we find out we can't, when we adopt).

8. I know this one will sound weird, but there are some people I know (a lot more than I realized not too long ago) who I would like to have some success either before or (basically) at the same time we do. I know how easy it is to feel left out when it seems like everyone around you is expecting or done having kids, and I don't want people I care about to hurt any more. I want to be able to share their happiness with them and not feel guilty if I get pregnant and they're still not at that point in their lives. I know me, and I know I'd feel very bad sharing my excitement with them. I'd feel sorry for them, the way I sometimes feel for myself right now.

Yeah, I know it's kind of a stretch, seeing as it's just one month's ovulation I'm talking about here. And that's the point. It's not the end of the world. It's just one month that I'm not ovulating. And I'll be seeing the doctor on Tuesday so he can help figure out what we need to do to correct that. Then we'll be working on what we need to do to get me pregnant when I do ovulate (assuming that's possible, which I think it is because I have had a miscarriage before). I'm really trying to "let go and let God."

Another ultrasound, another $110 down the drain

When I saw my fertility specialist last week, he had me come back in on Sunday to have an ultrasound from the nurse on duty. The plan was to have my follicles measured so they would know approximately when I'd ovulate. Then, when I do ovulate, they can run some tests to make sure my lady parts are conducive to having kids. In fact, they'd also make sure my husband's manly parts were up to snuff for baby-making.

So I went in on Sunday and the nurse talked me through what she was looking at. She measured my follicles but said they were too small. She scheduled me to come back on Wednesday. I paid my $110 and left. I went back on Wednesday for the ultrasound performed by a different nurse. She didn't measure anything with the ultrasound machine but basically said there wasn't any change from Sunday. This is not good news. She had me scheduled for one last ultrasound (at least for now, anyway) on Saturday. She said that if there is no change by then, they will send me back to see the doctor for steps as to what to do next. And what the doctor will do, I don't know. I paid yet another $110 and left. But this time, I was very down. I have been feeling at least a little heartbroken since then, knowing that my body isn't ovulating the way it is supposed to be, even with me being on this medication now since January. Is adding Clomid the next step? Will I quit taking Metformin and start something else instead? Am I starting all over again?

I seriously don't know how much more of this I can emotionally (and financially) take. It's like I see a little progress and get my hopes up just to have them dashed to pieces again. I'm just about to the point where I want to throw in the towel and start the adoption process. Of course that's a huge chunk of change that we don't have right there, so I'm praying that I will find a job as well as answers to this infertility journey.

The "no" experiment: I said no!

I haven't had an opportunity to say no to a favor asked to me this month... until last night. But honestly, when I said no, I wasn't thinking about the "no" experiment I am doing. I was just thinking about how much I didn't want to do it and just felt unwilling to make that sacrifice.

Our phone rang just before 10 pm, which is no big deal when Joe works the late shift, but it is very frustrating and annoying when he has to get up around 3:30 am to go to work. He'd been sleeping for about an hour, and I was just starting to fall asleep when the phone rang. It woke him up and he was about to answer it when I told him to give it to me.

I answered the phone and it was someone who knows Joe better than me (we've only talked a couple times very briefly) but talks to me like we're best buds anyway. He asked for "two favors," one of which was to have Joe call him when he got home from work. I told him Joe was home and asked if he wanted to talk to him. He said he did but after he talked to me. Then he basically gave the phone to his sister, someone I don't know at all. Before she started talking to me, she asked me for a favor. I didn't agree. I asked instead, "What's up?" She started telling me about a job she just started and wanted to set up a demonstration of a product she is trying to sell. She said I didn't have to buy anything, but I turned her down for the demonstration. She tried to push it still, but I said no again and she finally said, "I understand" and hung up. So I have no idea what her brother ever wanted to say to Joe.

I don't like the social pressure of buying things from friends. It's like there's some unwritten rule stating, "If you are my friend and you really like me and want to see me succeed professionally, you will help me do so by buying what I'm selling." Even if I only had to give up an hour or so of my time to listen to a sales pitch to help someone get practice or feedback or an opportunity to sell me something, I'm buying something by just agreeing to that, because it's costing my time.

So, I didn't allow myself to feel guilty for saying no, but I can't help but wonder if it would've been harder if I would have been friends with the woman or man who asked for the favor. I was mad about them calling so late, and I felt as though they were trying to take advantage of an established relationship he has with my husband for their financial gain. If I ever work in a sales position, I will let my friends know what I'm selling, but I will never PUSH a product or service on them. I know how much it sucks when someone tries to do that to me!

Another appointment with the fertility specialist

Today I had a follow-up appointment with the fertility specialist. There was no examination or anything, but the doctor and I had a good talk. I am supposed to return on Sunday to have an ultrasound. The doctor may want to put me on Clomid, but that depends on the results of tests that he will be starting. Because I have been having more regular menstrual cycles since starting the Metformin, he said that is encouraging and might be enough to help increase my odds of getting pregnant. He is going to test the hormone levels in my egg when I ovulate again to make sure everything is okay there. And some other tests will be run. Depending on what the results are, I may need some additional tests. So the nurse I spoke to after my appointment today said to prepare for some appointments with little warning, as they will be scheduled depending on what goes on with my body. Fun stuff! But it gives me hope and helps me feel like I may be that much closer to getting pregnant.

I was reading 1 Samuel chapter 1 today and started crying, reading about Hannah being overcome with sorrow at not being able to have kids and pleading with God to open her womb. I know that God knows what I'm going through and will comfort me through my trials. I also have faith that I will be able to get pregnant if I am meant to get pregnant, in God's own time. So I prayed for comfort, patience, and strength as I wait for God's timeline for me and strive to understand his plan for me as well. I know he has not forgotten or abandoned me.

The "No" Experiment

I am sick of being a "yes" woman. I'm one of those people you call if you need something, because I'll rearrange my schedule and/or priorities and come running. I give and give and give until I have nothing left for myself. I run on fumes (and chocolate). Today, I gave so much of myself that I am exhausted. And yet I came home at 4:00 pm and signed myself up to give some more. So it goes from me doing things out of the goodness of my heart to doing things because I feel guilty saying no when I know that it's POSSIBLE for me to do something for others, even if it isn't in my best interests. I feel guilty letting friends, family, or ANYONE down.

I was at WalMart today with a legally blind woman I gave a ride to so she could "buy canned goods." She left spending over $200, and less than a fourth of that was on canned goods. I helped her haul her booty up to her apartment and reluctantly gave her my phone number when she asked for it. I have no idea why I did that. I shouldn't have and definitely didn't need to. I spent over 3 hours with her when her request was for something that shouldn't have taken more than 20-30 minutes.

So people call and ask if I can help with this or that. I only say no if I have prior obligations or plans with someone else. If it only effects me and requires some small or great sacrifice on my part, I oblige them. And, like I'm doing right now, I end up fuming and cursing myself for saying yes. I go into the "service" activity with a terrible attitude and feeling more negative toward the person for asking me when I "know" he or she could have called someone else. In fact, sometimes I encourage people to do just that but end up feeling so guilty I call back and say, "Okay. I can do it," when I mentally, physically, and/or emotionally just shouldn't do it.

What is wrong with me?

One of my friends wrote something on Facebook that got me to venting (which I desperately need to do). She responded that I need to just say no. I told her that sometimes when I actually do say no, I feel as though the person I'm saying no to is trying to give me a guilt trip, so I feel the need to justify my no with all the reasons why I mean it. She told me not to give excuses and just say no.

So, I'm challenging myself. I have reasons, but April is an especially good month for me to say no, and it's just around the corner. For the whole month of April, I'm going to say no to those extra "little" requests from people. I'm not going to give reasons or excuses. I'm just going to say no. Even saying I'm going to do this petrifies me, so that just shows me how much I need to do it!

Happy Endings

It didn't seem all that long ago that I worried I'd never get married. I had failed relationship after failed relationship. It was especially difficult at times when I met someone I seemed to mesh well with but things just didn't work out. Or I thought I was a good match for someone who didn't feel the same way about me. Still, in their own timeframe, things worked out. Despite the challenges we had early on in our marriage, we are strong and deeply in love. I ran across this story I wrote about Joe on MySpace back in August of 2006 (I have changed it very slightly). Joe and I were still friends, but we weren't dating at the time, but I knew he was special anyway.

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About 2 years ago, I started talking more one-on-one with someone. We'd met in an online community, and we found that we had a lot in common. Of course, he had interests that didn't really interest me, such as video games, Japanimation, and cars, but the way he talked about ANYTHING didn't bore me. He was an amazing listener, and I just always felt so at ease with him. I'd sit in my LoveSac with my webcam turned on and talk to him on the phone for hours. It'd feel like only minutes had gone by, and I gladly gave up a lot of sleep for that pleasure.

Before long, we arranged a meeting. I'd never been to Washington, so I decided I'd visit him and make it a nice excuse for a vacation, regardless of how things turned out (yes, I took precautions). My plane landed, and when I saw him at the airport, I wanted to puke on my shoes out of nervous anticipation.

The drive to his mother's house was nice, and she greeted me warmly with a delicious toasted turkey, avocado, and pesto sandwich (which I'd never had before but is now one of my favorites!). The three of us chatted, and then he showed me to the room where I would be sleeping (yes, I stayed at his mother's house).

The two of us continued to chat, and he pleasantly surprised me by telling me that he really wanted to kiss me. I believe "okay" was my delighted response, and so we did. It was magical. We kissed a bit and talked a bunch, and he eventually excused himself to make the drive to his place for the night as I settled in, already dreaming of him even though I was wide awake.

Over the course of my stay, we had the opportunity to kiss much more, fog up car windows, chat endlessly, enjoy the beauty of Washington, and enjoy each other's company. I met many of his family members. I mean siblings, nieces and nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, the whole nine yards. I felt like I'd found a place I could call home. I felt like I somehow belonged with the group of strangers who were not strange or intimidating at all to me (which is weird because I'm so shy at times that people just think I'm stuck up).

In thinking back over the course of that trip, there wasn't necessarily one favorite time we shared together. I mean, I really enjoyed exploring the science museum (geeky of me, but true), being held in his strong arms as I looked in awe at the view of Seattle's city lights below the Space Needle and then kissing him as we stood above the city, walking on the downtown city streets, driving through the parts of town where he grew up, hanging at a family birthday celebration, dancing to horrible music together, making out, dining at his favorite Teriyaki restaurant, listening to his mixed CDs in the car as we ventured from place to place, attending church together, and enjoying the sight, smell, and feel of Snoqualmie Falls together. I enjoyed every minute of my trip and still cherish those memories made during that time. As he dropped me off at the airport, he gave me a small "gift." Although it may be weird to many, it was and still is very cherished to me.

As I waited in the airport to board the plane back home, I wrote in my journal about our time together. I wrote about my feelings, my dreams, and the peace and joy I felt. I will never forget that weekend. Or that wonderful man. We still talk. I still adore him.

I guess this explains why I'm so optimistic about everything, despite all that I've experienced (or maybe because of it). I do believe in happy endings. I do believe that I can feel this way again in my life and build a wonderful life with a fabulous partner by my side every step of the way. I don't care if it's considered too "Hollywood" or unrealistic for some. It's out there. He's out there. We'll find each other, or I'll die trying. And I will NEVER, EVER feel the need to "settle."

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I'm glad Joe finally came to his senses! I never did find anyone who compared to him or who made me feel the way I felt being around him or even talking to him from afar. Shortly after writing this, we reignited our relationship and it continued to grow and grow. He made a trip to Arizona to meet my family and to see me after all that time (it had been about 2 years since my trip to Washington) and proposed on the last day of his trip. And so when I left Arizona to move to Washington, I was a happily engaged woman and soon afterward married the love of my life. I love our story. And I love being in love with my best friend.

Does anyone still read my blog?

Sometimes I'm not sure if I should keep blogging here. I try to remember to update my online personal journal on a regular basis and sometimes struggle with that. A few weeks ago, I joined a http://www.sparkpeople.com/ and have been entering daily blogs there (mostly about my weight loss journey), so I have been neglecting this blog. But I looked back at some of my previous and admittedly kind of lame entries and noticed it doesn't appear that anyone has read them. Or maybe you did but thought they were so lame that you didn't comment.

I know I have some issues. This isn't a new realization on my part. But back when I was in grad school, I was quite active on the Love and Relationship chat boards on MySpace. I would leave for work around 5:30 in the morning and get home after 8:00 at night during my internship year. I lived alone. I was just a face in a sea of single adults at church. I didn't have any close friends outside of work, and the friends I was closest to at work ended up moving on to different positions anyway. Joe and I eventually reconnected during that year (I'd decided I was going to move to Washington after school ended and told him that), but I didn't have much of a social life. Sure, I'd try to squeeze in some time with friends on Saturdays when I wasn't busy with my internship and errands and wanting to relax, but I felt like I needed more social interaction than that. So MySpace kind of filled in the gaps, even if the friends I made on there are people I may very well never meet face to face. But I realized eventually that I was spending way too much time in my online reality and still missing out on human interaction. I eventually quit.

Then I realized I had done this before. Joe and I met on a networking site, after all. But when I left that site, most of the people I had met forgot about me. Some even hated me (because I attempted long distance relationships that didn't work out and flirted shamelessly and acted self-absorbed and childish) and slandered me.

Joe told me about a free online gaming site. A lot of the games appealed to me at first, but I found myself enjoying chatting with people more and spending a lot of time on there. Yet I want to interact more with people closer to my age (a lot of my "friends" on the site were several years younger than me, and some were in their early teens) and face-to-face. I closed out that account. SparkPeople has message boards, but I don't think I will have to worry too much about getting hooked on those and spending all day posting in there. At least, I hope I don't get hooked on those.

I have enjoyed the website so far. I've lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks. I am exercising more and eating less junk food (and smaller portions sometimes too). I am a visual learner, so having the numbers and graphs right in my face on there helps tremendously. Plus, I'm very competitive, and so I find myself pushing myself to get as many points as I can each day (you get little "trophies" for your profile with different levels of points). I'm really enjoying making this lifestyle change that for me is sustainable. Sometimes people have thrown me ideas that don't appeal at all, because I know it's not something I would stick with. But this doesn't seem so hard. And it's so organized! I LOVE being organized! I LOVE having everything in one place... support, an online food journal, a place to track measurements and workouts, and people like me! I belong to an infertility group where I can vent about how people around me are getting pregnant and having kids and somehow surrounding me (I swear I saw no less than 5 pregnant people in a recent trip to Target), reminding me of how inadequate, heartbroken, etc I feel.

So, I've been a little bit wrapped up in that the past few weeks. But I think that's okay. I'm thinking my obsessiveness about it will slowly die down a little bit and I remember that life isn't all about how much I weigh or how much I want to weigh.

For something else: Joe and I are celebrating our anniversary this week. We're going to be taking a mini vacation, for which I am very excited (especially since we're doing it on the cheap). For our anniversary gift, we picked up a blu-ray player yesterday. We love it so far. I'd purchased Discovery Channel's Planet Earth on blu-ray a while back because it was an AWESOME deal (and I've heard such great things about it), so we checked out the quality of that on our player for a few minutes yesterday after Joe set it up. He's been asking if we can watch more of that ever since. And we headed back to Best Buy (where he bought the player) and picked up a couple more blu-ray discs, which I know he wants to watch as soon as possible.