Thursday, January 22, 2009

Reluctance to post

There are certain things I'm nervous about letting people know about for various reasons. One of those reasons is that I don't want it to sound like all I do is complain. Another of those reasons is because it's scary sometimes being so open and personal. So, what I do write is not always easy but is in a weird way therapeutic.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm still trying to find out what's wrong with me. Physically and mentally and emotionally I'm not feeling right. It's almost a regular thing for me to play this emotionally taxing game called Guess When Your Period Is Coming. It's not like a fun game where you win cool prizes. Rather, the prizes include cramps and mood swings. And while I'm waiting for the game to end, I stress. I usually give in about a week after my period "should" have come and get a pregnancy test. And maybe I schedule a doctor's appointment or contemplate scheduling one to find out what's going on. Or maybe I stress out about ways to reduce my stress levels, stressing that my stress may be causing this. But it is a guarantee that my mind will run wild with worst-case scenarios. Like, "I'll never be able to have kids. I have bad ovaries. Maybe I'm going through pre-menopause already. What if there's something horribly wrong and I'm going to die?"

So, that's part of what's going on with me. And then there's my expectations as to where I should be in life versus where I am. I'm making the same amount (or less)than I was in my last job in Arizona. And that was while I was still in school for my masters degree. I am not living up to my potential. I am grossly over-qualified for my job. And yet, because of this economy, I am unable to even get an interview for the jobs I'm applying for that I am qualified for. It's not like those pay very much, but at least it's a little more than what I'm making right now. And at least the jobs I'm applying for might be challenging and rewarding and fulfilling. Yeah, I'm unhappy with my job. That doesn't help matters.

And there are other things going on, but that's about all I'm comfortable talking about right now. I've realized just how hard it has been for me to move to this state where I really haven't fit in and haven't found the happiness and peace of mind I've been looking for. And everything is wearing on me so much. I don't know how much more I can handle. I'm hoping that one of these days I'll start getting the answers and help I need and job lead that'll take me in the right direction. And here's to hoping that comes before I lose all hope.


Crystalbell said...

Take heart, my friend, hope is not lost. I will include you in my prayers. I only see good things for you ... soon. I wish there was more I could do. And if there is something make sure you let me know.

Travers Family said...

I'm glad you have a doctors appt. tomorrow. You need to find out what's going on with your bod. As for mentally, i hear ya! I'm right there with ya! Call me and I'll come hang out in our pj's and watch a movie and order a pizza! Sounds fun! Seriously, I want to help if I can. Call me if you need anything! Love,

Debra said...

Thanks to you both! And Stacy, that does sound like a lot of fun! I just might have to take you up on that! :)