Sunday, November 9, 2008

Words and Frustration Beyond Words

I slacked on my writing a couple days this week. It's hard to spend a full 8 hours in front of a computer while working and then get back on the computer to write for an hour or two, especially when my husband tempts me with going out to eat or watching some TV and cuddling together or there's cleaning to do and I'm so worn out physically and mentally and emotionally. Because of my exhaustion, I've been sleeping 9 or more hours a night for several days. So add all that together, and it's been rough. Today I woke up quite early (after going to bed early again last night and getting 9+ hours of sleep), and I got over 3,000 words written during the course of the day. I'm about where I want to be right now in my word count, but I'm starting to wonder where the heck I'm going with this story.

Part of me wants to stop this nonsensical writing and pick back up with one of the books I have in progress. Those books are my babies. This book I'm writing now is like a doll. It's like my practice for something that matters more to me. But it'll sure be nice to have it written, and I believe it'll give me a sense of accomplishment.

I really dislike my church callings (Relief Society Enrichment Leader and Young Women Athletic Director). In fact, part of me wants to say I hate my callings. Yes, they're voluntary, but I was asked to do them for a reason (I'm still trying to figure out what that reason is, because I don't think God wants me to have a nervous breakdown, but that's where I'm headed), and I just feel like I NEED to accept callings when they are extended to me for my own good or something. So many things that I want and so many things I expect (in relation to how I want to fulfill those callings) just make it tough for me to really feel satisfied because of how things are turning out so far. I found out a week ago that I had until this Wednesday, the 12th, to prepare for our holiday dinner for the women at church. Geez, no pressure at all there. I am supposed to have a board/committee anyway, so I should get some support, right? Well, so far I'm really worried about how it'll turn out, because I'm not really getting enough support (at least I'm getting some, I guess). How can someone fulfill their calling if they won't even communicate with me? How can I tell them what they can do to help if they don't show up to meetings, return my phone calls or stay at church the entire time so I can get a chance to talk to them? I feel like asking to have the slackers released and get some people doing this who will actually DO their part.

I have been trying to get the word out for a book club. I have been instructed by the Relief Society President not to give up on it, even though I've been to two book club meetings since joining the ward, and I was one of 3 people at the first meeting and one of 2 people at the second meeting. (I was called to be Enrichment Leader before the second book meeting. The book had been picked out at the first book club meeting I attended. The only person who came to that second book club was someone who was not at the first book club meeting I'd been to.) So, I figured I had to do more to get the word out and get it organized. I had everything set up. Then last Sunday, due to some very large disconnect between me and the Relief Society Presidency (meaning, they plan things and schedule things and have opinions about when I should and shouldn't schedule activities, but then they don't communicate such decisions with me in a timely fashion, if at all), I find out that we can't have the book club on that night because it's now the same night as this dinner (which we'd had planned for a different night that I found out last Sunday was no longer a good night for the dinner). So, I tried to let everyone know that the book club would be postponed, only to learn that it appears about 2/3 of the women at church were never informed of the book club meeting anyway (I had given someone sign-up sheets that were supposed to go in each of the binders that are passed around in the different meetings, but when I went to pull out those sign-up sheets today, they weren't even in there).

I created a survey when I was first called to Enrichment Leader. The survey was for the women to take to help me in my calling so I could learn their talents and interests and create groups and activities accordingly. I even had the survey emailed out so those who wanted to complete it that way could do so easily. I've only received 4 back. FOUR! I've announced it several times and requested people to fill them out, but no one is doing it. If you raise your hand and say you are going to support someone in their calling, when they practically BEG you to fill out a survey, YOU TAKE THE FIVE MINUTES IT WOULD TAKE TO DO IT, AND YOU DO IT! If you don't, you're not supporting them!

I was told that my callings are all about delegating. I can't delegate when I have no one to delegate to. Then I was told last week I was supposed to be in one meeting I hadn't ever attended because I had never heard anything to that effect before. How can I be in two places at once? I also learned that the Young Women President's expectations of me included my being an athletic coach (volleyball, basketball, etc). I don't have those skills. I told the person who asked me if I would take on that second calling that I'm not athletic at all. He said it wouldn't be a problem, because that was not what the calling was about. Sounds like more disconnect, and I don't know what to do about all this. The frustration is overwhelming!

So today I decided I want to quit. I know I won't, but I want to. And I think that made Joe sad to hear from me. I'm so stressed over all this that it's breaking me.

Then, just like that, I started getting a teeny bit of support today. Here a little, there a little. Maybe there's some hope after all.

(I really don't know how to explain my frustration without long, drawn-out explanations other than to say that I feel completely unsupported by 98% of the people at church when I NEED their support. Perhaps my expectations are too high, but I don't think they are. And I will be GLAD in about 12 days when 2 different nights of activities I have to organize for one of my callings and a 3-day tournament I have to help out with for my other calling have all been taken care of. Five extra days of church in 2 weeks, not to mention a 6th extra day for a stake conference? And each of those nights will mean getting less than 8 hours of sleep for me- possibly even less than 7 hours of sleep. Yeah... I'm working WAY too hard!)


Crystalbell said...

I will do all of that for you, if you will ensure that I could get even 7 hours of sleep a night! 9 would be a dream come true.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time getting the support that you need now. I actually had that same calling years ago along with 2other callings and I had only been a member for about a year. I was definitely a fish out of water. I have faith in your ability and diplomacy that you will be able to get others to help, support and finally, truly sustain you in every sense of the word for your callings.

And I don't imagine anyone has told you, but thank you. Thank you for all that you're doing. Thank you for extending yourself even though it's hard. It is appreciated. Even if the people there don't appreciate it, I do. I appreciate all that you're doing and your intention of doing it and doing it well.

BeatlesDiva said...

I'm so sorry that you're not enjoying your callings right now. I've been there before, but something good will come out of it. You're a strong lady and you can make the best of it, I know you can!

Debra said...

Yeah, I'm pretty lucky to be able to get so much sleep, but it's not at a price. I wish I had more energy to be able to accomplish more of what I want to do.

I am hoping that things will start getting better. I recently found out that someone is on the board I was not aware of, and I think she used to be the Enrichment Leader, so I think I'm going to have a talk with her to get some ideas based on when she was in charge. She has been the most helpful person so far.

I know this will be in my best interest, which is why I'm not giving up.

Thanks for the encouragement!

Jahn said...

Whatever you do, don't try to force your writing. Let it flow naturally. It time, it'll come.

"Sitting quietly
doing no thing
Spring comes
and the grass grows of itself."